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The Sewers of Bikini Bottom

(open at the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, crew! I have an announcement! Bikini Bottom's new sports stadium will officially be named after this restaurant!
SpongeBob: "The Krusty Krab Stadium". Wow!
Mr. Krabs: Soon we'll have all the consessions in the stadium. Paying for the naming rights will make me millions!
SpongeBob: (holding a pennant and wearing a foam hand) Opening day is today! Tailgate party! (starts to run out)
Mr. Krabs: (pulls SpongeBob back in) Not for you. Your tails have to stay here and pay me back some of that money I spent.
SpongeBob: (with a green hat) Hurray for Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: While I'm gone, Squidward mans the helm. (leaves)
SpongeBob: (goes to Squidward, who is sleeping) Pssst! Hey, Squidward.
Squidward: (talking in his sleep, hugging SpongeBob) Oh, Teddy. You're my favorite snuggle buddy. (wakes up, sees SpongeBob, and freaks out)
SpongeBob: Okay, boss. Give me a job to do, please?
Squidward: Well, why don't you clean the, uh... (the entire restaurant is clean) Why don't you clean your own, uh... (SpongeBob shows Squidward his clean shoe. It twirls and kisses Squidward's nose) Alright, alright. Clean everything one more time.
SpongeBob: Got it! (goes off-screen and back in less than a second) Done! More please!
Squidward: Two more times.
SpongeBob: Done! Done!
Squidward: Ah, but did you clean down to the subatomic particles?
SpongeBob: (laughs) I knew I missed something (goes off-screen and back, wearing a lab coat and goggles) Done! Even the theoretical particles are clean, theoretically. (laughs)
Squidward: I don't know. Why don't you just, I don't know, see how many things you can flush down the toilet?
SpongeBob: Umm... are you sure about that, boss?
Squidward: Are you questioning my orders?
SpongeBob: I hear and obey my liege. (bows and goes into the restrooms)
Squidward: (goes back to sleep, then panickedly wakes up) WHAT HAVE I DONE?! (runs into the restroom)
SpongeBob: (a mop is in the toilet) How am I doing, boss? (flushes it)
Squidward: This is a completely irresponsible thing to do! But I must admit, it looks amazing!
(SpongeBob and Squidward playfully start flushing various objects down the toilet)
SpongeBob: How about this?
Squidward: And try this! Here they go! (the objects get flushed. SpongeBob and Squidward laugh)
SpongeBob: This will go down good! (they almost flush Old Man Jenkins) Oops. (they put him back and resume flushing. One of the objects is a giant safe, which gets flushed down the toilet)
Squidward: That was funny. It almost looked like Mr. Krabs' safe. You know. The one with the secret Krabby Patty formula inside?
SpongeBob: (laughs) What's really funny is that it was Mr. Krabs' safe. The one with the...
Both: (freaking out) Secret Krabby Patty formula inside!!
Squidward: How could you?!
SpongeBob: You ordered me to!
Squidward: I didn't say the safe!
SpongeBob: You didn't say "not the safe"!
Squidward: Well, I order you to go get it.
SpongeBob: One second. (washes hands) Employees must wash hands before leaving. (SpongeBob flushes himself down the toilet)
Squidward: What have I done? I flushed SpongeBob down the toilet. Why that's despicable, even for me. (goes to the dining room) Alright, as soon as I get the fry cook out of the toilet, you can all have your Krabby Patties! (the customers scream and run out of the restaurant. Squidward tries to step his foot in the toilet and retracts it in disgust) Yuck! It's so unsanitary. Can't believe I'm doing this. (flushes himself down the toilet)
(cut to the Krusty Krab Stadium)
Crupski: (punches Krabs' arm) Krabs, you old bag of shells. You're not gonna regret paying that money to have your name on this stadium for you.
Mr. Krabs: I sure hope you're right.
Crupski: Krabs, I'd like you to meet Charlton Hawkfish, the famous sewer architect.
Charlton: I designed every pipe, gasket, and cesspit beneath this stadium.
Mr. Krabs: (laughing nervously) Uh... hi.
Fish #1: You know, that was weird. I had to flush the toilet twice.
Fish #2: And they call this place a modern marble.
Charlton: Crupski! You told me you wouldn't cut corners on my plans! (shows the blueprint for the plumbing system) What's this? You've added the reducer into a 5-foot mainline!
Crupski: Your point being?
Charlton: That pipe's too small. It'll never hold!
Crupski: Relax, Charlton. Building it cheap saved a lot of money.
Mr. Krabs: (delighted) Ooh, I like that!
Charlton: And what's this? The pipe is made out of cardboard?!
Crupski: In corrugated cardboard.
Mr. Krabs: Relax. That's what my grandma's dentures are made of. (shows the picture)
(cut to the sewers)
Squidward: (screams while sliding down the sewer pipes until he reaches the bottom) SpongeBob! Are you down here?
SpongeBob: (emerges from a wall covered in sewage and walks up to him) Hi, Squidward.
Squidward: Aaahh! Do not touch me! I am way out of my comfort zone! (they navigate through the tunnels and reach a split pathway) Alright. You've been down here longer than me. Which way?
SpongeBob: (wraps his arm around himself) Pull my finger. (Squidward does. SpongeBob spins and stops, pointing to the filthy pathway) That way!
Squidward: Figures. (they walk through it)
SpongeBob: ♪Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha! Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha! Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha!♪ (they come across Egyptian-style art drawing of snakes on the wall) Look at these strange etchings, Squidward!
Squidward: Looks like snakes
SpongeBob: I hope we don't run into anything like that down here. (they spot the safe flowing through a pipe) Hey! Over there! (the safe gets stuck in a pipe) It's stuck on the pipe.
Squidward: We need to get up there! (climbs up to get to it, and bumps his head beneath the pipe, freeing the safe, which falls our and lands in another pipe taking flowing in the opposite direction. Squidward uses SpongeBob as a boat to go after it)
SpongeBob: ♪Sewer, sewer! Cha-cha-cha!♪
Squidward: There it is! (leaps off SpongeBob to get the safe and misses) Darn it! I missed again! (pulls his arms out and reveals lampreys biting his hands. Screams) Leaping lampreys! They're biting me!
SpongeBob: Well, bite 'em back!
Squidward: (tries to bite them and they start biting his eyes, causing him to scream again) My eyes!
SpongeBob: (sees the safe) Hey, look! There's the safe!
Squidward: Where? Where?
SpongeBob: (pulls the lampreys off Squidward's face, also pulling his eyes out) There it is! (chasing the safe while riding a gondola) ♪O Sole Mio!♪
Squidward: ♪Silencio.♪
SpongeBob: (they ride in a barrel) Yay! Whoo-hoo! (SpongeBob lassos the safe. The two, along with the safe, fall into a pipe leading to a huge tunnel. A giant sewer snake emerges from beneath the surface, lifting them and the safe)
Squidward: What the...? (the snake roars)
Both: Sewer snake! (they swim away from the snake as it pursues them through many pipes)
(cut to the Krusty Krab Stadium)
Charlton: It's 5 minutes 'til half-time! Do you know what that means?
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Sure do! The Bikini Bottom Mets!
Charlton: The half-time wave, man. When every toilet flushe at once! The sewers can't take it! It's madness!
Mr. Krabs: Okay, but you're gonna miss the cheerleaders.
(back at the sewers, the snake is still chasing SpongeBob and Squidward)
Squidward: In here! (they both go inside a tunnel, which is actually the sewer snakes mouth)
SpongeBob: (spots a map) Oh, look. "You are here".
Squidward: Why is the diagram shaped like a giant sewer snake with an arrow pointing to its stomach? (SpongeBob holding a piece of paper) What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, crossing "Disgested by a giant sewer snake" off of my To-Do list.
Squidward: Oh. That makes sense. (freaks out and starts running and screaming all over the place) Snake food! (the sewer snake starts to feel a tickle in its stomach)
SpongeBob: Good going, Squidward! You're tickling him! I'll help you! (runs around as well. He finds the safe) Squidward! The safe! Squidward! Safe!
Squidward: Don't bother me while I'm hysterical! (the snake finally vomits SpongeBob, Squidward, and the safe out) I'm alive? I'm alive!
SpongeBob: I guess we're just lucky. (the safe lands on Squidward) Oh, look! You found the safe!
Squidward: Just my luck.
(cut to the Krusty Krab Stadium. It is half-time. The spectators run to the restrooms)
Charlton: Egads! (the toilets are all flushed at once. A siren sounds) Too much flushing! She's gonna blow! (runs to the control center) How's she holding up?
Nat: Sir, every tunnel is flooded except for the reducer pipe!
Charlton: The pinch point!
Mr. Krabs: Is that bad?
(the reducer pipe bursts. Back at the sewers, SpongeBob and Squidward are carrying the safe. They hear a rumble)
SpongeBob and Squidward: Huh? (a huge wave of sewer water rushes in and carries them away)
(back at the stadium)
Charlton: Gaskets blown, manifold mangled, backflow everywhere!
Crupski: Oh, you're overreacting.
Charlton: You flushed it all away, Crupski! You two better hope that fail safe I installed works! (exits the control center. Water explodes out of the field and the stadium begins to flood as everyone panics)
Vendor: Hot dogs! Popcorn! Snorkels?
Charlton: (sees an axe) Good thing today was "Free Axe Day" at the stadium. (Charlton grabs it, rips his shirt off, and dives into the water. He uses the axe to break the safe and pull a lever. A giant, robotic hand uses a giant plunger to unclog the stadium of water. Charlton pops out of the big hole in the center) This is what you get when so-called fish-kind and all its humorous and ignorance stooped so low, as to cut corners and its plumbing system! Extinction is the result of being cheap!
Mr. Krabs: What a bunch of malarkey!
Charlton: At least we didn't waken the gret sewer snake. (the sewer snake appears from behind him) Check that? (the spectators evacuate the stadium while Charlton takes on the snake. He flicks his nose)
Sewer Snake: Uh-oh...
(Charlton pokes the snake with his nose, popping it and causing it to deflate like a balloon and fall back into the hole. Cut back to the Krusty Krab. In the restroom, water bursts from the toilet and rushes into the dining room, along with Squidward, SpongeBob, and the safe)
Squidward: Hey, everybody. The cook's back from the toilet.
SpongeBob: Who's hungry?
(the customers scream and run out of the restaurant, again)
End