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Tutor Sauce

(Opening at the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: And how is everything for you today sir?
Costumer: Oh, it's great! Just great!
Mr. Krabs: Fine! Fine!
Costumer: I just love this Krabby Patty!
Mr. Krabs: Okay, always nice to hear. (Starts to walk away)
Costumer: My Krabby Patty is a Krabby Patty, and both buns are also Krabby Patties! So luxurious!
Mr. Krabs: (Runs back to the costumer) You must've paid five times a price of a regular patty for that!
Costumer: No extra! It's the same low price as a regular Krabby Patty. (Mr. Krabs faints. Squidward sprinkles salt on Mr. Krabs' eyes)
Mr. Krabs: Me eyes! What're ya doing Mr. Squidward? (Squidward continues to sprinkle salt on his eyes.) Ah!
Squidward: I couldn't find the smelling salts so I just used table salt.
Costumer #1: Hey, my Krabby Patty is just a bun! And the two buns are also buns. Stale buns.
Costumer #2: (Crying) My patty tastes like sadness.
Mr. Krabs: Alright, that's enough! Patties with emotional flavors? (Gets up) It's two bits extra. Now pay to the register. (The two costumers walk to the register) What in Davy Jones' locker is going on in here Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: What do you think? SpongeBob is in one of his moods. He failed his boating exam, again.
Mr. Krabs: Well, we can't have that! He's me best employee! Well, no offense.
Squidward: None taken.
Mr. Krabs: Melancholy and self-doubt are bad for business. Make a note of it (Walks to the kitchen)
Squidward: Let me grab a pen. Ha, it's funny because I mean the opposite.
(SpongeBob is lying on the kitchen floor crying)
Mr. Krabs: Avast there, lad! (Stands SpongeBob up) You're wasting your valuable tears, salting me patties with grief!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry Mr. Krabs. I can't even cry right! (Continues to cry)
Mr. Krabs: There, there. Failing your driver test is nothing to cry over.
SpongeBob: I've been in driving school as long as I can remember, and I still don't have my license!
Mr. Krabs: How much do they charge you at this driving school of yours?
SpongeBob: Oh, about $100 a semester.
Mr. Krabs: $100 a semester? Well I can do it for double of the price in half the time!
SpongeBob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: Sure! I taught me old daughter Pearl how to drive like a little angel.
(Pearl drives through the kitchen while putting make-up)
Pearl: Hi Daddy! I need money for shoes.
Mr. Krabs: Sure! Anything for me little angel Pearl. (Gives money to Pearl)
Pearl: Thanks Daddy! (Drives through the wall. Cut to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs on a boat on outside of the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Are you sure about this Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) Well I couldn't be surer lad. You don't need a "professional" to teach you how to drive.
Spongebob: You know Mr. Krabs, at boating school Mrs. Puff...
Mr. Krabs: (interrupts SpongeBob) Wipe that school malarkey out of your mind son! It's all a racket.
SpongeBob: (gasps) It is?
Mr. Krabs: And that goes for every kind of schooling! Why there ain't nothing truly important, you ain't learn on the streets with half a jigger of common sense and your own two claws. Now, put'er in gear!
SpongeBob: Okay! (Starts the boat, but reverses it and hits the Krusty Krab sign. Mr. Krabs nervously chuckles)
Mr. Krabs: Well, rookie mistake boy. Happens all the time.
SpongeBob: It does?
Mr. Krabs: No, but you got the right fire in your belly.
SpongeBob: I do?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Well you know, what we need is a change of venue. (Cut to Mr. Krabs driving into an empty parking lot) This empty parking lot is just the ticket. Like every young person, a novice boater needs plenty of open obstacle-free space, and the freedom to make mistakes.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you're so wise!
Mr. Krabs: Can't disagree with you there. Alright, put'er in gear!
(SpongeBob reverses the boat, crashing into the Krusty Krab) Hmm...
SpongeBob: Rookie mistake, right?
Mr. Krabs: I suppose so. Now slowly inch forward and we'll check out the damage.
(SpongeBob tries to inch forward, but the boat's anchor is stuck on the wall, causing the whole front wall to be destroyed. Mr. Krabs checks out the damage on the rearview mirror) Oh, broken wall, that's about $15,000 (Moves the mirror) Oh! Kitchen fire! Oh, that will 6 grand (Moves the mirror again. Squidward is beating a costumer with a spatula) Oh, lawsuit! Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! (Thinking) Alright Krabs, get a hold of yourself. You've been in worse fixes than this. Why, you've started down the cannon's mouth, haven't ya? Look at that face. (SpongeBob smiles to him) Ugh. Is this the face of your final defeat? Is it Krabs? (Close-up on SpongeBob's face while he's heavily breathing. Cut to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs in front of SpongeBob's house)
Mr. Krabs: Now here's a place you should be comfortable with.
SpongeBob: Oh I'll say!
Mr. Krabs: Just take a look around boy-o. Home sweet home, nothing to make you twitchy and jumpy, just the opposite in fact. A place so soothing and sweet, like a mother's gentle lullaby on a soft summer's night. (SpongeBbob falls asleep. Honks to awake him) Oh, brother. Let's start with something simple. A little trip down the street to Patrick's house.
SpongeBob: Patrick's house! (Drive and crashes into Patrick's house, causing Mr. Krabs to be thrown off the boat and to land into the Krusty Krab. A costumer walks to the register)
Costumer: I'll have one Krabby Patty please.
Squidward: Okay.
Mr. Krabs: Upsell!
Squidward: (sighs) Would you like fries with that?
Costumer: Yeah, sounds good.
Mr. Krabs: Better. (Back to SpongeBob's house) Okay, that was just fine. But next time, wait until I say "put'er into gear".
(SpongeBob suddenly starts to drive, crashing into the Krusty Krab)
Squidward: (points a table) You missed one.
(The boat's motor lands on the table, smashing it. Back to SpongeBob's house)
Mr. Krabs: (sighs) A simple trip to Patrick's house. A line… so straight… and true.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, let's just leave the boat here and walk.
Mr. Krabs: Well, you know, we could do that. But you can't learn to drive without a boat. (Gets an idea) Or can he. (Cut to Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob in an arcade) You'll certainly learn the way pf the road with this here top of the road, state of the art technological simulator. Now hand me one of them tokens. (Inserts a token in the arcade machine). You'll need your protective headgear!
(SpongeBob starts up the game. He's driving a boat)
SpongeBob: I'm doing it Mr. Krabs! I'm driving the boat (Drives into the Krusty Krab) Uh-Oh (Finds himself on the real-life Krusty Krab's roof. Cut to SpongeBob starting the boat. He hits the Krusty Krabs sign which breaks the restaurant's roof a worker just fixed. He tries to drive again)
SpongeBob: Hey look Mr. Krabs, I'm actually driving!
Mr. Krabs: Great job boy
(SpongeBob drives through a ramp, the boat bounces off the Krusty Krab sign and hits the roof the worker was fixing. He tries to drive one more time. He goes through a pipe on the Krusty Krabs' roof and exits from the front door, but then they randomly reappear above Krusty Krab, hitting the roof and the worker. Cut to SpongeBob driving in a one way road. The other boats and a gasoline truck try to avoid him)
SpongeBob: Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time (Nervously laughs. All the boats crash into the Krusty Krab, including the gasoline truck, causing an explosion. Cut to the worker giving Mr. Krabs a bill while SpongeBob crashes into the Krusty Krab again. The worker comes back and raises the bill)
Mr. Krabs: Saw that coming
(Cut to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs on the boat)
SpongeBob: I'm sorry Mr. Krabs. The fire in my belly is gone (imitates an explosion)
Mr. Krabs: Oh no, it's my fault. We've been going about this all wrong boy. It's not a pampering you'd be needing. It's a bold and reckless display of confidence!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah!
Mr. Krabs: You think when I was your age I tip-toed around like a tadpole on a petunia?
SpongeBob: You never!
Mr. Krabs: That's right! My style was to dive in with both feet, claws snappin'!
SpongeBob: Snappin'! (Cut to a very busy roundabout) Oh my gosh!
Mr. Krabs: Thar she blows. The dreaded double roundabout, the most treacherous stretch of road in all of Bikini Bottom. To your starboard, you yield. To your port, they yield to you. And when you're in the middle, it's every man for himself and the devil take the rest!
SpongeBob: I don't think I'm ready for this Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Nonsense boy-o! All it takes is some confidence and a little coordination. Why, your little pet snail could do it (Puts Gary on the wheel)
Gary: Meow
SpongeBob: I thought you was just using Gary as a colorful example Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: He's colorful alright! He's also gonna teach you how to drive! Now go!
(Gary drives through the roundabout) Atta boy! (SpongeBob closes his eyes, terrified. They safely come out the road) There you go SpongeBob! Did you see how Gary did that?
SpongeBob: (Opens his eyes) Yes, some of it.
Mr. Krabs: Buck up, me boy-o! It's your turn next!
SpongeBob: My turn? Gee Mr. Krabs! You must really believe in me. (Both jump off the boat)
Mr. Krabs: Not really.
(A police officer approaches)
Police officer: Sir, is this your vehicle?
Mr. Krabs: Yes, yes officer it is.
Police officer: And did I just see you let a snail negotiate this vehicle through a dangerous intersection?
Mr. Krabs: You sure did… (Becomes sweaty) I mean you didn't… I mean, well no… I mean, well yes, I mean… look, it was just a friendly, little example, a colorful example; I was teaching the lad to drive
Police officer: By putting a snail behind the wheel?
Mr. Krabs: Well, I mean really he was more on top of the wheel
Gary: Meow
SpongeBob: Sir, I don't have a boating handbook with me, but…
Mr. Krabs: (Interrupts SpongeBob) Quiet boy! Let me handle this!
Police officer: Are you a licensed driving instructor sir?
Mr. Krabs: Well, no but, I taught me own little girl Pearl to drive, you see? And you understand. Do you have any kids of your own at home?
Police officer: (Writing on a paper) No, I'm married to my job.
Mr. Krabs: Oh. Well, um, you two seem very happy together.
Police officer: Well, we've had our ups and downs, but after some couple of counseling, we think we've worked out our issues. (Continues to write. Mr. Krabs looks at SpongeBob, who winks to him)
Mr. Krabs: This ticket's coming outta your paycheck, boy.
SpongeBob: Whoa! My first real traffic ticket!
Police officer: Oh, this is gonna require something more than money, sir.
Mr. Krabs: What could be worse than spending money? (Gasps after seeing the ticket. Cut to Mrs. Puff's boating school)
Mrs. Puff: Alright class! Please say hello to your newest classmate: Mr. Krabs! (Shows Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob at boating school together)
Class: Hello Mr. Krabs!
SpongeBob: Don't worry Mr. K, I'll show you the ropes.
End