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The Play's The Thing

(Mail fish enters the Krusty Krab, whistling)
Mail fish: Delivery for Mr. Squidward Tentacles. Hello? Anybody here?
(In the kitchen)
SpongeBob: (Stops mopping and gasps) Squidward's not at his post! (Inflates balloons and ties them together to make a Squidward model) Hmm. There's something missing. Ah! (Puts his hat on the model and laughs)
Mail fish: Hello? Yoo hoo! Mail delivery!
SpongeBob: (Using balloon model as a puppet) Hello, I'm Squidward. Welcome to the Krusty Krab, where we never leave our post. (Laughs) And how may I help you on this fine day? (Nose deflates)
Mail fish: Right. (Puts letter on models head and runs away, screaming)
(Balloon pops. The real Squidward wakes up.)
Squidward: Hey! It's hard to get my beauty sleep when people keep dropping junk on my head. (Sees letter) Hooray! Yahoo! Whoopee! Whoopee! Whoo-
SpongeBob: Peeee!
Squidward: Whoo-
SpongeBob: Peee.
Squidward: Whoop-
SpongeBob: Peeeee!
Mr. Krabs: (Comes out of office) Avast, there. What are you all happy about?
SpongeBob: I'm on my happy break, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You I'm used to. Why is he so happy? (Gestures toward Squidward)
Squidward: I'm holding a package from famous producer Buddy Baracuda. I sent him my play and now he's gonna produce it! I quit. So long, losers! (Walks away, reading the letter) Let's see here. Oh yeah. "Thank you for submitting your play entitled Squidward, Strokes of Genius. Your work speaks volumes about you as an artist, a person and a member of society. So it is with great pleasure that we announce we will not be doing your play." (Turns around and walks back inside)
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! You're back from your amazing success as a play writer.
Squidward: Uhh …
SpongeBob: (Feels Squidward's shirt) And your shirt, is that a cotton poly blend? Fancy! (Gasp) And just look at your stylish new hairdo! (Picks up play) Say, is that a copy of your play? Oh my goodness! Are you going to put on your amazing play at our little old Krusty Krab? Oh, you are a true patron of the arts, Squidward.
Squidward: Well, I suppose that could work. If people see my play, they'll recognise my genius and I'll become famous and-
Mr. Krabs: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Me customers come here for greasy food at high prices, not for singing and dancing.
Squidward: But my play doesn't have singing and-
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, p eople pay to eat, right?
Mr. Krabs: Of course.
SpongeBob: And they would pay to watch a play, right?
Mr. Krabs: Um, I suppose.
SpongeBob: Well, if they eat and watch a play, you can charge twice as much!
Mr. Krabs: Really? How about four times as much?
SpongeBob: Well I don't see why not.
Mr. Krabs: Well … OK. But only on one condition – that you both keep working. 'Cause if just one Krabby Patty is late, I'm shutting you down.
SpongeBob: Hmm. Now what would we call this eating dinner and watching theater?
Squidward: Dinner theater?
(SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs laugh)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, sure.
SpongeBob: No. Come on, let's get serious. We need a title that sounds dramatic. Got it! We'll call it "Singy Eaty Time".
Squidward: But SpongeBob, there's no singing in my-
Mr. Krabs: I love it!
(Cut to auditions at the Krusty Krab. A crowd of anchovies are meeping inside and in a queue outside.)
Squidward: Wow! Look at all these aspiring actors wanting to take part in my genius!
Mr. Krabs: And all of them willing to work for no pay!
(Anchovies leave the restaurant, leaving just SpongeBob)
SpongeBob: Did I get the part?
Squidward: You've got all the parts.
SpongeBob: YEAH! YEEEAH! (Runs excitedly)
Squidward: And we let him handle our food?
(Cut to opening night)
Fish #1: Huh. Singy Eaty Time with Squidward Tentacles. (Goes into Krusty Krab) Hello? Can I order? Hello?
Squidward: It's time! Places, people, places!
Mr. Krabs: (Into microphone) Please take your seats.
Squidward: Dim the house lights. (Krabs turns lights off. A fish falls over. SpongeBob sets a Krabby Patty on fire.) Bring up the stage lights! (Lights come back on. A fish notices he is chewing on another fish's arm. He adds salt.) Raise the curtain!
Mr. Krabs: (Pulls rope) How much am I getting for this?
(Curtains raise, showing a set of the serving area on stage)
Squidward: Unto this world, an octopus was born. A cephalopod with promise and potential.
Fish #2: Um, I'd like a double Krabby Meal with extra kelp.
Squidward: (Shoos him away) Go away, go away, shoo.
Mr. Krabs: (From order window) What did I tell you? You do your job or I'm shutting you down!
Squidward: Fine. (Takes order to table) He had promise until he had to work here at the Krusty Krab, serving local morons heart-stopping, artery-clogging garbage masquerading as food.
Fish #2: Yey! (Eats)
Squidward: (Returns to stage) At the Krusty Krab, his talent was wasted.
Fish #3: Excuse me, can I get a refill?
Squidward: No, you ca-
Mr. Krabs: Squidward!
Squidward: (Sighs) Yes, you can. (Takes bucket of soda to customer) But who will refill the empty chasm in my soul? (Throws soda on customer)
Fish #3: I don't know, man. I don't know. (Scared)
Squidward: (Returns to stage) His life shattered, is there any task too demeaning for our hero?
Fish #4: Hey, my Krabby Patty doesn't have ketchup.
Squidward: It would appear not. No ketchup? That's terrible! Here, let me help you with that. (Squirts ketchup at customer) Would any of you want this job? (Customers shake heads)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you get that customer a fresh patty with ketchup, now! And don't forget to charge him again!
Squidward: And then there's my skinflint boss. (Gestures to Mr. Krabs)
Mr. Krabs: (Annoyed) What's that, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Um, Mr. Krabs, I'm acting.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, well, that's OK then. But get him a Krabby Patty!
Squidward: Fine. SpongeBob! One Krabby Patty with ketchup! And now we come to the worst part of my job … working with him.
(Stage rotates, revealing SpongeBob in the kitchen)
SpongeBob: Huh? (Clears throat) Uh … uh … I forgot my line!
Squidward: You don't have any lines!
SpongeBob: I don't?
Squidward: Just stand there and act like yourself.
SpongeBob: Oh, I can do that! (Clears throat) One Krabby Patty, coming up! (Puts patties on grill. Notices wrapper on floor.) What is this? A stray wrapper in my kitchen? (Picks it up and takes it to garbage can) Oh, the trash is full. I had better call the garbage truck. (Dances across kitchen and imitates garbage truck, reversing to the trash can and beeping)
Squidward: Talent. (Gets hit by trash) Outstanding. Thank you, that'll do. (Clears throat) But lo and behold-
Fish #1: Hey man, where's my Krabby Patty?
Squidward: His genius was unrecognised.
Fish #1: Come on, man. I just want my patty!
Fish #4: Yeah, me too.
Squidward: Taken for granted! Uncredited, overlooked, ignored. Disrespected, unappreciated, unloved, but worst of all … underpaid.
Mr. Krabs: (Laughs) It's funny … 'cause it's true.
Fish #4: (Looks at watch and taps shoulder of Fish #1) He's done. Order.
Fish #1: Uh.
Squidward: And furthermore!
Fish #4: (Sighs) There's furthermore.
Squidward: Unfulfilled. In a word, his myriad of talents were wasted.
Fish #1: Oh, come on!
Crowd: (Chants) We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties! We want Krabby Patties!
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, you still haven't given me customers their Krabby Patties!
Squidward: All right! SpongeBob, where's that patty?
SpongeBob: (Still pretending to be a garbage truck) Beep, beep, beep, beep. (Notices burning patties and screams) What have I done? Have I let the lure of theater production get between me and my patties? (Leans through order window with batch of burned patties) Squidward, forgive me. I let the glamor of the stage distract me from my true calling – making sure that every Krabby Patty I prepare is the best it can be.
Squidward: (Takes tray) Uh huh.
SpongeBob: No, Squidward, no. Those patties aren't fit for public consumption.
Squidward: Here, enjoy! (Throws patties into crowd; SpongeBob screams)
Fish #1: (Bashes burned patty on the stage) Oh, come on! All that waiting for this?
Squidward: Oh, pur-lease. You wouldn't know quality if it hit you in the face. (Customer throws patty at Squidward) I said if it hit YOU in the face!
Fish #1: Whoa! That was worth the wait. (Gets money out) I'll take two more.
Fish #2: I'll take five!
Fish #4: I want to throw something at him!
SpongeBob: Wait! Gentle patrons, Krabby Patties are meant to be eaten, not flung. Think of all the joy these greasy, juicy patties and their attendant condiments have given you.
Fish #5: Gosh, he's right.
Fish #2: We shouldn't be so disrespectful of our favorite meal.
SpongeBob: (Wipes tear) Bless you all.
Patrick: I like throwing food. (Throws patty and SpongeBob and knocks him over)
Crowd: Food fight! (They throw food at SpongeBob and Squidward)
Mr. Krabs: (Selling burned patties) And for you?
Fish #2: I'll take 20.
Fish #3: Do you have anything heavier?
Mr. Krabs: Certainly. (Gives him an anchor)
(Patrick throws an anchor and Squidward screams)
Squidward: Oh boy. (Knocked out by anchor)
Mr. Krabs: Squidward, Squidward! Good news! The play is such a success, I've added two more shows and a matinee! Break a leg tomorrow.
(SpongeBob and Squidward laugh psychotically. Squidward gets knocked out again.)
End