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Sand Castles in the Sand

(SpongeBob comes out of his pineapple and knocks on Patrick's rock, which opens, waking Patrick up.)
SpongeBob: Get up Patrick! It's time!
Patrick: (Drowsy) Time for what?
SpongeBob: The big shindig, remember?
Patrick: No. Besides, I don't really think my shins should be involved. They're a bit flabby today.
(He shows him his fatty legs.)
SpongeBob: That's shindig, buddy. We're spending the day at the beach in the honor of our best friendship!
Patrick: (Suddenly excited) The beach! Just you and me!?!
(SpongeBob rips off his clothes to reveal his red swimming trunks underneath, and Patrick rips off his skin to reveal muscle tissue underneath.)
Patrick: So am I ready for the beach SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Uhh... Sure! A little sunscreen and I'm sure you'll be fine!
(Cut to the two loading the bus.)
SpongeBob: (To Bus Driver) I'm spending the whole day at the beach with my best friend.
(SpongeBob and Patrick cram themselves and their luggage into a seat with another fish, squishing him.)
Fish #1: You're hurting me!
(SpongeBob taps a fish on the shoulder.)
SpongeBob: (Quietly) Guess what?
Fish #2: What?
SpongeBob: I'M GOING TO THE BEACH WITH MY BEST FRIEND!!!
(He now taps the bus driver on the shoulder.)
SpongeBob: Oh, bus driver...?
Bus Driver: (Irate) What!?!
SpongeBob: OK, out of everybody on this bus, guess which one is my best friend?
Bus Driver: I don't care.
SpongeBob: You know what this situation calls for, Patrick!
(They pull out instruments.)
SpongeBob: A few verses of the "Best Friend Tune"!
(The two begin to play.)
SpongeBob: (Starting to sing) Oh, friends ar-
(They are cut off by the bus screeching to a halt, and the two are thrown out.)
SpongeBob: Hey! Wait! This is not our stop!
(The bus drives off.)
SpongeBob: Aw, how are we going to get to the beach now, Patrick? We don't even know where we are.
Patrick: I knew it! We've been abandoned!
(He starts to cry.)
SpongeBob: No, no, Patrick! No one is ever going to find us out here!
(A volleyball hits him on the head.)
Fish #3 (Scooter): A little help, bra?
SpongeBob: Look, Patrick! We made it! Hey, best friend, check this out!
(SpongeBob reaches into theback of his pants and pulls out a Frisbee, which apparantly cannot be called as such in this episode due to licensing issues.)
SpongeBob: It's a small plastic disc that you throw!
Patrick: Small plastic disc that you throw!?!
(He claps his hands joyfully.)
Patrick: I love playing small plastic disc that you throw!
SpongeBob: I do too, buddy. If only small plastic disc that you throw had a shorter, catchier name.
Patrick: Oh. Hmm... How about, "small plastic disc that you toss"!?!
SpongeBob: Perfect! Now run along, Patrick, and I'll toss it to ya!
(SpongeBob winks, and Patrick runs off laughing.)
SpongeBob: Ready?
(He tosses the disc to Patrick, who chases it. In doing so, he runs over two people who are sunbathing and inadvertantly kicks sand onto a fish's sandwich, who is having a picnic. His friend, who is sitting with him, laughs at him.)
Fish #4: That's why they call it a sandwich!
(Patrick then runs by again, getting sand in the fish's mouth. He comes close to running into a pane of glass two construction fish are carrying, but manages to miss it and instead destroy an ice cream cart and lifeguard tower instead. His hand sticks up from the rubble of the tower, and he catches the Frisbee.)
Patrick: I caught it!
(He goes to SpongeBob, out of breath and panting.)
Patrick: Wasn't that cool, SpongeBob!?!
(The lifeguard comes out from the wreakage.)
Lifeguard: I can assure you, that that was not cool! Just look at what you've done! Your buffoonery has destroyed the lifeguard tower! Why don't you find something to do that's less obnoxious?
Patrick: Like what?
Lifeguard: I don't know, go play in the sand or something!
Patrick: Well, I don't know. Playing with the sand sounds pretty boring.
SpongeBob: Nonsense, Patrick! There are plenty of fun things to do in the sand. We can draw, or practice our cursive writing, or...
Patrick: Boring, SpongeBob, Boring!
SpongeBob: I know! We can make sandcastles!
Patrick: That sounds un-boring!
(He nudges SpongeBob.)
SpongeBob: No one's ever been annoyed by a sand castle.
(He laughs. Cut two him sculpting a sandcastle.)
SpongeBob: Nothing quite like the joy of sand castling, ey, buddy? How ya doing over there?
Patrick: Everything's dandy in Patrick's Kingdom.
(Shows Patrick randomly patting the sand.)
SpongeBob: Oh, a structure like that can't protect a king and his subjects! Here, let me help you. First, you should start all over.
(Pats down Patrick's sand mound.)
Patrick: Whoa! What are you doing!?! You destroyed my castle!
SpongeBob: I'm just trying to help, buddy!
Patrick: Well, I don't need any help.
(An architect fish comes over with blueprints.)
Architect: Here are those architectural plans you requested.
Patrick: Why, thank you! Here's a little something for you.
(Gives architect sand money which crumbles in his hand.)
SpongeBob: Well, I suppose I should just tend to the affairs of my own realm.
(He turns to a mini sand-king.)
SpongeBob: I'll start by making a queen to rule by your side.
(Patrick throws something at SpongeBob's castle, destroying it.)
Patrick: Now we're even!
SpongeBob: All right, Patrick. Have it your way.
(He draws a line in the sand separating two workspaces.)
SpongeBob: You keep to your territory and I'll keep to mine!
(He makes a bigger sandcastle with a spiral staircase leading to the top of a large turret with a flag on top, and bricks on top of the walls. Meanwhile, Patrick is looking at his plans.)
Patrick: Now this'll show SpongeBob that he's not the only one who can build a castle! Let's see SpongeBob destroy this castle!
(He forms the sand into a dungeon, with a skull-and-crossbones on the gate, two windows, and massive arrows coming out the top.)
SpongeBob: I'd better build a wall just in case King Pinky gets any funny ideas.
(He works on his walls until he notices that Patrick's castle is partially over the border.)
SpongeBob: Oh, sir? You've built onto my side.
Patrick: So?
SpongeBob: (Furious) SO, YOU DON'T DO THAT!!!
(SpongeBob karate-chops the castle at the mark made by the border. The overcrossing part falls to powder.)
SpongeBob: There! That restores the integrity of our shared border.
Patrick: You tyrant! You've done it again! I'll show you what for!
(He creates a sand hammer and runs to SpongeBob's castle.)
SpongeBob: But what for what!?" (Patrick pounds SpongeBob's castle back into the ground.)
Patrick: Now we're even again!
SpongeBob: OK, Patrick. I can accept that. No more destruction from this point forward, OK?
(Walks back over to his building area.)
SpongeBob: Okay, back to square one again.
(SpongeBob creates a huge "brick" sandcastle, the size of a real castle. He makes spires and cuts out holes for windows with his fingers. From inside, he watches Patrick hard at work through a sand telescope. Patrick makes the same castle as before, only life-size as well, and it now has the characteristics of metal, with more spikes coming from the sides.)
Patrick: Aha!
(Later, SpongeBob comes to Patrick with a sand clipboard. He blows into a medevial-style trumpet with a banner reading "SB" hanging down from it.)
SpongeBob: I hereby propose a non-aggression treaty to end hostilities between our two kingdoms.
(Patrick signs the clipboard with a sand feather pen.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, by signing this historic armistice you have brought peace to our lands. May your kingdom prosper!
(SpongeBob walks back to his castle, and over his drawbridge.)
SpongeBob: Well, that went well!
(Patrick shoots a sand arrow at SpongeBob's castle.)
SpongeBob: What are you doing!?! What about the treaty!?!
Patrick: This treaty isn't worth the sand it's printed on!
(The treaty turns to dust.)
SpongeBob: Oh, is that so? Well if you think you can take down this castle, my answer is, "Bring it on."!
(Patrick laughs while SpongeBob works on a sand gargoyle on his castle wall while sitting on a pulley. Pat then builds an army of evil sand knights holding spears on unicorns, who also have spears for horns. SpongeBob coughs, then turns to Patrick.)
SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm trying to be the nice guy here, OK? Let's call this silly business off.
Patrick: No way! You started it.
SpongeBob: Fine! Have it your way!
(Patrick lets out an evil laugh.)
Patrick: Whatever.
(He looks over and sees SpongeBob next to a sand catapult, filled with sand rocks, held back by a rope. SpongeBob threatens him by holding a sand axe over the rope.)
Patrick: No, no, no, no, no...
(SpongeBob chops the rope, and Patrick screams. The "rocks" pulverize Patrick's army, and bubbles rise up from their sand "ashes". SpongeBob laughs and blows another horn. From inside the castle, SpongeBob's army emerges, consisting of a sand knight with a morning star and "SB" on his outfit, a Rambo-style guy with a spikey uniform, war paint and a mohawk, a sand cowboy, a sand rockstar and a sand bull. Patrick cowers inside his castle and then makes something out of sand. When the army breaks in, they see Patrick with a sand cannon.)
Patrick: Oh, hello! ...And good-bye.
(He pulls the cannon string. SpongeBob's army screams and flees towards the castle.)
SpongeBob: Come on!
(The cannonball freezes and "looks" around for the army.)
SpongeBob: How do you like them apples?
(Cannonball goes over the wall and bowls over the army and then returns to Patrick's castle, where Patrick laughs.)
Patrick: You'll never win! Do you hear me!?!
(SpongeBob uses a sand thumbprint idenification panel to enter his sandcastle's war room, with high-tech neon green blueprints on a giant computer screen that surrounds the room. There is a sand conference table in the middle, with sand chairs all around it.)
SpongeBob: Uh-huh... Mmm-hmm... Well put, general!
(We see a sand human general.)
SpongeBob: We'll create a surprise military diversion and break through enemy lines. What say you?
(A piece of his head slides off.)
SpongeBob: Yes! We'll ready ourselves immediately!
(SpongeBob builds a sand tank that bursts through his castle and rolls towards Patrick's.)
SpongeBob: How do you like me now?
(Patrick punches through his castle with a robot resembling Optimis Prime from Transformers.)
Patrick: I like you this much!
(Patrick's bot picks up SpongeBob's tank, SpongeBob screaming inside.)
Patrick: Feel me!
(SpongeBob clasps his thumb on a button that blows up Patrick's android. It falls into pieces on the ground. He sees Patrick with his mouth open and his tongue hanging out from inside the droid's head.)
SpongeBob: Patrick! Patrick, are you okay!?!
Patrick: The question is... Will you be!?!
(Patrick pounds his fist on a button which causes the head to rocket into the sky, SpongeBob hanging on. But he lets go and pulls a sand parachute.)
Patrick: No fair!
SpongeBob: All's fair in love and war, my friend/enemy, or should I say, my "frenenemy"!?!
(He calls in a jet with his remote and drops into it, flying after Patrick's bot head.)
SpongeBob: Now let's have some real fun!
(He launchers sand missles at Patrick.)
Fish #3 (Scooter): What was that!?! Come on, we got to get out of here!
(He grabs his girlfriend and runs off, and more people do the same.)
Patrick: Oh, yeah? Two can play at this game!
(With a press of a button, sand Patriot missles come from a compartment in the ground and shoot towards SpongeBob's jet.)
SpongeBob: Jumping jellyfish!
(He turns the plane around and does a figure-8, causing the missles to land on Patrick's castle.)
Patrick: I wasn't going to do this, but you've left me no choice.
(Patrick drops atomic bomb above SpongeBob's castle. The sand griffins come to life and look up.)
Sand Griffin: Ah! Let's beat it, dude!
(They fly off and the castle explodes. Patrick laughs, but then the two scream as their aircraft crash into each other. The two sit up on the ground, battered and bruised, moaning in pain.)
Patrick: What happened?
SpongeBob: I'll tell you what happened, Patrick... I got carried away.
Patrick: Me, too... Was it worth it?
SpongeBob: No. No, it wasn't. What started out as a fun dream turned into a horrible, brutal, nightmare. As the winds of time changed the silvery sands of these dunes to a new landscape, so let us hope that our own winds of change will change our spiritual dunes, to a landscape of peace. Oh, buddy, let's never forget this lesson.
(They hug.)
Lifeguard: Let's also not forget who's going to clean this place up!
(We see the entire beach in ruins-- chunks of sand everywhere, the lifeguard tower is now rubble, tattered towels, battered remains of the castles, twisted frayed volleyball nets, etc.)
Lifeguard: Better get started!
(Hands them a broom and dustpan.)
Lifeguard: You've got a lot of work to do.
Patrick: I bet I can clean up faster than you!
SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? I bet you can't!
Patrick: Yes, I can!
SpongeBob: No, I can!
Patrick: No, me!
SpongeBob: Me! Me!
End