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The Krabby Kronicle

(at Krusty Krab kitchen)
SpongeBob: Order up! (Plays ding 3 times)
Mr. Krabs: How's it looking out there, boy?
SpongeBob: Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. K.
Mr. Krabs: I ain't interested in same old regulars, SpongeBob! So I took out an ad in the Bikini Bottom Examinor to bring in some new customers! Twas a bargain too. (SpongeBob uses a magnifying glass to read the print) Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, boy. How many new customers we got out there so far?
SpongeBob: Ooh, let me see. There was...None.
Mr. Krabs: What?! What do you mean none? Don't these people read the paper? (walks outside and blows a lot of dust off the newspaper stand) Ooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. (notices another stand where there is a long line for it) Well that paper's selling like Krabby Patties. Uh, pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?
Fish #1: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts. The Bottomfeeder's where it's at. It's got like interesting stories and stuff.
Mr. Krabs: 'Fishboy Strikes Again'? Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?
Fish #1: I don't know. But they're selling!
Mr. Krabs: Yes, they certainly are. (Lady puts in coin to get a newspaper) Please, allow me.
Fish #2: Thank you!
Mr. Krabs: No, thank you. Now, let's see how much they charge for advertising. (screams) 25 cents per word! The newspaper business sure is easy money! (Mr. Krab's shell cracks revealing a money body underneath) That gives me an idea. (body of money breaks. Cut to Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Squiddy?
Squidward: Yep, what another wonderful humdrum day slinging burgers. (SpongeBob walks into the kitchen but hits his face on something.)
Mr. Krabs: Off of your duff, boy. You think I spent all last night assembling this printing press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear two hats cause along with your usual fry cooking duties, you're my new lead reporter for the new Krabby Kronicle! (a card with SpongeBob's picture is pinned on him)
SpongeBob: Oh, my very own press badge!
Mr. Krabs: That's right boy! And here's your very own camera. So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waiting for, boy? (cut to SpongeBob walking down the streets of Bikini Bottom)
SpongeBob: They all have the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kind of story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. (a bank robbery, two giant fish trashing a boat, and a baby monster is happening in front of him) No news to report here. Stop the presses! It's Patrick! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for. (takes a picture of Patrick) Patrick Star, I'm Scoop SquarePants from the Krabby Kronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?
Patrick: Oh, I'm not taking a bus SpongeBob. I am watching this pole so the next time it moves, I will see it!
SpongeBob: Whoa, this story is juicy! (cut to the Krusty Krab where it is now called "The Krabby Kronicle." SpongeBob is typing up the story and puts it in the printing press. Cut to Mr. Krabs walking into the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: What a money-tastical day! Eh, Mr. Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.
Mr. Krabs: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too.
Squidward: We haven't sold any papers today.
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers? Certainly this gentlemen would like a copy of the Krabby Kronicle.
Fish #3: Looks boring. Can I just have a Krabby Patty?
Mr. Krabs: Too boring? (looks at newspaper) SpongeBob?! What's the meaning of this?
SpongeBob: Meaning of what, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: Local resident watches pole? No one's gonna pay to read this malarky. When you write these stories, you've gotta use a little imagination, boy.
SpongeBob: Imagination...
Mr. Krabs: Yeah. Maybe instead of man watches pole, you could say something like, oh, man marries pole. Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and, see? (Mr. Krabs drew marriage attire on Patrick and pole picture) Now that's a juicy story!
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, isn't that lying?
Mr. Krabs: Don't think of it as lying, boy. Think of it as... uh... a practical joke. You know. Something everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want you to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! (cuts to an intersection, and SpongeBob is hiding behind a trash can. Mrs. Puff pulls up, and then a policeman pulls up behind here. SpongeBob takes a picture, and both of them look around)
SpongeBob: (laughs) Mrs. Puff is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! (cuts to a newspaper that says "Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase")
Mr. Krabs: Boating Teacher in High Speed Chase! I think you finally done it, boy! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! (everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Squidward hands Harold a copy)
SpongeBob: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.
Mr. Krabs: That's called editorial privilege, son. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story, possibly affect Mrs. Puff in any way? (cuts to Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mrs. Puff: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruin my business! (cuts to SpongeBob hiding in a chimney)
SpongeBob: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Larry the Lobster. Hmm, wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles. (goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster) Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. (Larry walks up to a fish in an overcoat)
Fish #4: Larry, hey, tough guy? Can I punch you in the gut?
Larry: Sure. Everbody does. It won't hurt me a bit. (fish punches him and SpongeBob takes a picture) Told you it wouldn't hurt.
Fish #4: Thanks big guy.
Larry: See ya around.
SpongeBob: Very interesting. (cut to a gym)
Gym Owner: Out! Out! Out!
Larry: Hey, what's the big idea?
Gym Owner: This! (shows him newspaper)
Larry: 'Larry the Loser gets Beaten up by Pipsqueak'? But, but, but...
Gym Owner: No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever. (throws him out as SpongeBob walks up to him)
SpongeBob: Hello, Larry.
Larry: Not now, SpongeBob. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined.
SpongeBob: Ruined? What are you talking about?
Larry: These lies someone wrote about me. (shows him the headline about him. SpongeBob gasps. Cut to Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Thanks for your business, and here's your paper.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, can I have a word with you?
Mr. Krabs: Make it quick boy. These papers are selling faster then we can print 'em!
SpongeBob: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.
Mr. Krabs: Well, they're certainly doing me some good. (goes into his office where there is money everywhere) Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! (lays on a pile of money)
SpongeBob: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, you just don't get it, do you boy? We're not hurting anyone. We're just making their lives interesting, for everybody else. Now get out there, and fetch another story! (cuts to the Chum Bucket, and Plankton walks out of the kitchen with a Chum Stick)
Plankton: Oh Karen, I think this is it! The Chum Stick that's finally gonna drive Krabs out of business.
Health Inspector: I think not. I'm Health Inspector Yellowtail. I'm officially closing down your restaurant.
Plankton: Why? I haven't done anything.
Health Inspector: That's not what this says. (shows him newspaper headline)
Plankton: 'Plankton's Chum made of your chums'? 'The Chum Bucket serves your friends in more ways then one'? What? (the health inspector padlocks the Chum Bucket doors) Who's to blame for this? Who?! (SpongeBob walks away sad. Cut to Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: You're reaching new levels of imagination, boyo!
SpongeBob: Yeah I-I know.
Mr. Krabs: What's wrong boy? You sick or something?
SpongeBob: Yes, Mr. Krabs, you could say that.
Mr. Krabs: Don't be silly, boy. We're a success.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, we're hurting people.
Mr. Krabs: Oh, baloney. You better start feeling right, cause if you don't, you can just kiss your spatular goodbye.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you wouldn't!
Mr. Krabs: Oh, darn tootin' I would! Now get out there and bring me a juicy one.
SpongeBob: Aye-aye, captain. (cuts to Sandy taking an acorn off her tree when two fish come out of her tree and carrying a box of Sandy's things)
Sandy: Sorry, fellers, this is a private treedome.
Fish #5: I had no idea it talked. Don't worry, we're from the Neptunian Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? (holds up newspaper)
Fish #6: It can't even read. Why are we...
Sandy: Oh, give me that! 'Sandy Cheeks or Sandy Chump'? 'Bushy tailed brainiac really a slow-witted squirrel. By SpongeBob SquarePants'? That yellow sidewinder thinks he can do that to me?!
Fish #5: Oh boy, we better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent. (two fish run away as Sandy growls. Cut to Krusty Krab with an even bigger line out the door)
Mr. Krabs: (laughs) You've really outdone yourself this time! (his eyes shoot out water which SpongeBob absorbs. Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob, spraying the water out, and sits him on his lap)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I can't write these stories anymore.
Mr. Krabs: Come on, that's a bunch of hooey.
SpongeBob: I've seen people's lives ruined with my own eyes.
Mr. Krabs: People want wild juicy stories. That's what sells. Now I want your little yellow noggin, to come up with the wildest story ever. One that'll top all the others.
SpongeBob: Gee, Mr. Krabs, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?
Mr. Krabs: Surprise me. Give me a shocker. (tosses him in a chair with a typewriter) Good night boy. I'll check on you tomorrow morning. And remember, the wildest story ever! (exits)
SpongeBob: Oh, the wildest story ever, huh? (starts typing. Cut to next morning)
Mr. Krabs: How's it going, lad? (SpongeBob turns around and has a 5 o'clock shadow and red eyes)
SpongeBob: Uh-uh-uh, it's a surprise.
Mr. Krabs: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time. We'll have to do another printing. (there is an angry mob outside the kitchen with pitchforks and torches) Huh?
Fish #7: Task master!
Mr. Krabs: What's going on?
Fish #7: You should know! (shows him the headlines)
Mr. Krabs: 'Krabs overworks employees'? 'Reaps reward'? 'Krabby Kronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, under-age reporter pennies while he rakes in the dough'?!
Fish #7: How could you do that to such an innocent child?! That is sick and inhumane!
Sandy: Not to mention, the fact that he's written lies about us.
Plankton: I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil.
Larry: All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money. (cries)
Mrs. Puff: And I've had to go back to watching daytime television! (sobs)
Fish #7: Oh that's it! We're taking our money back! (everyone runs in and runs back out with a bag of money)
Mr. Krabs: No! (yells and cries)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you okay?
Mr. Krabs: How can I be okay when me money's gone?! All gone! (cries then sighs) It just goes to show, trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. (notices the printing press) Or does it? (puts his dollar in the printing press and it prints pages of money) Get me some scissors, boyo! It's time to use my imagination!
Patrick: Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Krabby Patties? (his wife is the pole he was watching earlier)
End