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Blackjack

(an envelope is dropped through the door slot of Spongebob's house)
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: Thank you, Mr. Postman. Thanks, Gary. (grabs some popcorn and throws it at Gary, who jumps up and eats it) Hm, can't read the return address. (opens the envelope) Maybe this will shed some light. (reads the letter) Hey, Spongebob, it's your cousin BlackJack. Guess what? I'm out of prison and decided to pay your parents a visit. If you want to see them again, meet me for a wrestling match at their house. Try it little man. Blackjack. (letters end) Cousin Blackjack's out of prison?!
Gary: Meow?
Spongebob: That's right, Gary. The cousin Blackjack. The same cousin Blackjack that used to beat me up all the time when we were kids. (flashback to Spongebob, wearing a bowtie and a blue hat, thrown into a brick wall)
Blackjack: (laughing) Come on, little man. Let's go a couple of rounds, if you think you're tough.
Spongebob: Why should we?
Blackjack: Because it'll show what a little man you are. (spins Spongebob around really fast then uses him as a jump rope. End of flashback)
Spongebob: Oh, no. That was years ago, Gary.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: My sentiments exactly. Just imagine what he must look like now. (imagines Blackjack as a giant)
Blackjack: Hi, Spongebob. It's been a while. Good to see that you're still a little man. (laughs. Picks up Spongebob and tears his body in half. Laughs more. Spongebob screams)
Spongebob: That brute has my parents. I gotta get over there. (puts his clothes in a suitcase) Gary, I don't know how long I'll be gone. I don't know if I'll ever come back.
Gary: Meow.
Spongebob: I may get beaten to a quivering pulp but I must do it, for the sake of my parents. (wipes the tears in his eyes with a pair of underwear)
(Cut to his parents house where it has been wrapped with police tape and clear plastic wrap) Oh, my gosh, what happened to my parents' house? What's this? "Do not cross?" Is that police tape? There's only one reason for the police being here: a crime has been committed. No-o! Get it together, SquarePants. To face Blackjack, you've got to be as tough as nails. (while yelling karate noises, he tears his legs off and uses them to get inside the house) Huh? What?! All the furniture is covered in plastic. The police must have covered everything to preserve the crime scene. What could have happened here?(walks forward until he notices a frame on the floor) What's this? Blackjack smashed my family portrait. Oh, no. What has he done with my parents? (imagines parents watching TV)
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you; what with you in the office all hours of the day. (Mr. SquarePants snorts. Blackjack busts down the door and laughs. Parents are scared) I got a new outfit for ya. (both parents are shaking in fear)
Spongebob: That fiend. Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. (reads note) Spongebob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm gonna do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. (end note) He's gonna get Grandma, too. I have to stop him. (cut to Grandma's house) Grandma! Where are you? Are you ok? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? (notices a gingerbread man cookie on a plate) Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp. Oh, that animal. (cries)
Grandma: Spongebob?
Spongebob: Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?
Grandma: Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of gingerbread men.
Spongebob: But where's Blackjack?
Grandma: Oh, Blackjack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.
Spongebob: Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?
Grandma: And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. (Spongebob imagines his parents being hovered over a boiler with some rope by Blackjack. Spongebob screams) And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.
Spongebob: Cleaning up the mess? (face deflates) I got to get help. I'll go to Uncle Cap'N Blue's. He'll know what to do. (runs through town to Cap'N Blue's house where he is mowing the yard. Spongebob jumps on the lawn mower) Uncle Cap'N Blue, I need your help.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Well, if it isn't little Spongebob. Plant a firm one on me, Bobby. (shakes Spongebob's hand but tears his arm off in the process)
Spongebob: I need you to help me rescue my parents.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Sure, Little Bobby. I could use some help with the lawn, but you're gonna need this to do the job right. (hands back his arm. Spongebob begins to mow the lawn)
Narrator: 346 minutes later.
Spongebob: (running back to his Uncle) Uncle Cap'N Blue, I need to help my parents. They're in danger.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: (turns off the mixer) What? You want to build a fence? (laughs) The boy came to work.
Spongebob: Actually, I came to try to find my... (Uncle shoves some wooden boards, nails, and a hammer into his face)
Uncle Cap'N Blue: And when you're done, I've made a tomato and clam juice smoothie to refresh you. (drinks the smoothie right out of the mixer) Ah. (Spongebob builds a fence around Uncle Cap'N Blue's house really fast) And how many candles you burning out there? Over. (static over the radio) Do you copy? Over? (tries turning a knob) Copy? Do you copy?
Spongebob: Uncle Cap'N Blue, Uncle Cap'N Blue? Please help me.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Well, of course you can. (Spongebob cuts down some coral trees. Then runs into the garage and back out with a paint can. He paints the house with himself as a brush then fixes a boat)
Narrator: Much, much, much later.
Spongebob: (uses his tongue to crawl to his Uncle) I am desperately searching for mommy and daddy!
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Landscaping? Isn't it a little dark out for landscaping? (Spongebob grabs the music player and yanks it out of the wall)
Spongebob: Listen, Uncle Cap'N Blue. We don't have much time. Cousin Blackjack has my parents help captive at his house.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: They let that dangerous miscreant out of prison? Sounds like your parents are in trouble, kid.
Spongebob: That's why we have to rescue them now!
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Whoa there, Little Bobby. No can do.
Spongebob: But Uncle Cap'N Blue, I need the help of a crime fighter like you.
Uncle Cap'N Blue: No, no, I don't chase criminals these days. I'm retired, and if I were you, I'd consider turning around and going home. You're not cut out for this kind of work, boy. An innocent kid like you doesn't stand a chance against a criminal mind. Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you?
Spongebob: You mean they won't give me a push on the swing set?
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Well, let's just say, I hope you've practiced walking without legs, or arms, or a body. But since you insist, I'll drive you all the way over to Blackjack's right now. (drags Spongebob who uses his fingers to dig into the concrete in the garage) Just try to relax until we get there. (drives to the next door house and stops) There it is. We're here. (Spongebob gets out) Uh, lock the door behind you, kid. (Spongebob pushes down the lock on his passenger door. Uncle Cap'N Blue drives back into his house. Spongebob walks up the steps. He steps on one that creaks causing a guard worm to bark at Spongebob)
Spongebob: (screams) Nice wormy, nice wormy. Nice wormy. (grabs the door handle but is tapped on the shoulder by his Uncle in a thought cloud)
Uncle Cap'N Blue: Do you have any idea what people like that do to people like you?
Spongebob: (imagines himself knocking on the door with the handle. Blackjack grabs him through the door and using him as dental floss. He screams) Uncle Cap'n Blue is right. I'm not cut out for this. I should just turn around and go home. (Mrs. SquarePants screams) Mother! (runs through the door) Mom?
Mrs. SquarePants: Help me!
Spongebob: They're trapped in the basement. (runs down into the basement) Mom, dad, quick! Let's get out of here. (picks up his mother)
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, but if we leave now, we'll miss the party.
Spongebob: (sets his mother down) Party?
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, why yes. We're celebrating your Cousin Blackjack's release from prison.
Mr. SquarePants: Now if your klutzy mother can stop dropping her punch glass like she dropped that picture frame...
Mrs. SquarePants: I told you, Harold, that was the fumigator's fault.
Spongebob: The fumigator's? So that wasn't a crime scene I saw at your house.
Mr. SquarePants: The only crime that ever happened at our house was the infestation of those worthless Krill but they should be gone by now.
Spongebob: So you two aren't being tortured by Cousin Blackjack?
Mr. SquarePants: No, Spongebob, your Cousin Blackjack has paid his debt to society and renounced his criminal ways. Never again will he litter.
Blackjack: That's right, little man.
Mrs. SquarePants: Oh, well here comes the man of the hour. He's been talking all day about playing with his little cousin again. He mentioned something about jumping rope with you like the old days. (Spongebob's eyes break)
Blackjack: Did you come here to quiver like a jellyfish, or did you come to wrestle?
Spongebob: (shaking) To quiver. (hides his eyes and nose and mouth inside his face)
Blackjack: I always knew you were a little man. Prepare to live your past in the present. (laughs)
Spongebob: (still shaking) Come on, Little Bobby. Don't let him beat you. You've got to stand up for yourself this time. That's it! I am not gonna take this anymore. I am putting my foot down. You wanna tussle? Well, let's tussle it up! (Cousin Blackjack runs at Spongebob, both screaming like tough guys, and jumps onto his leg. Turns out he is the size of Spongebob's feet) Cousin Blackjack?
Blackjack: In the living flesh. (takes off Spongebob's sock and shoe on his right foot and punches his big toe)
Spongebob: That tickles.
Blackjack: Just like the old days, eh, cousin?
Spongebob: Yeah, Blackjack, you haven't changed a bit. (everyone laughs)
End