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Snooze You Lose

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Season 4-11

Squidward: Oh, why I can't I get to sleep? Let's try it again. (Squidward, sitting on his bed, pulls out a glass of milk) Warm milk. (Squidward drinks from the glass, his nose wobbles) White noise machine. (he reaches for the switch on a machine by his bed, and bubbles come out from the top, he closes his eyes, his eyelids read "10 Grit", then he reopens them and grabs a remote) Dim lights. (pushes button which turns the lights off, he slowly closes and reopens his eyes again) (singing) Sleep little Squid wid, catch some wings... (lays down) everything and everybody (closes eyelids and stretches them under his upper lip) clearly stinks...
Patrick: *burp*
Squidward: Ahhh! (jumps from his bed to the ceiling, which he sticks to with his suction cups, shaking, then pan through the window into SpongeBob's room where SpongeBob & Patrick are laughing, SpongeBob is holding a bottle of soda, he starts chugging it and the bubbles move to his stomach which inflates from the inside)
SpongeBob: Oh yeah! Fizz Bomb Cola!
Patrick: (covering ears) Fire in the hole! (the bubbles travel to SpongeBob's head, which inflates, before inflating his whole body like a balloon)
SpongeBob: *burp* (bubbles come out each of his pores, he deflates and starts laughing again with Patrick)
Squidward: Hey! Will you two psychopaths keep it down!?
SpongeBob: (out window) Oh, hi Squidward, how you doing?
Squidward: Horrible! I haven't slept for three days! (Patrick slides out the window and reaches for Squidward's arm and gives a handshake)
Patrick: Hey, that's great!
Squidward: It is not great! (his arm flies back into his face, his hand sticks to his eyelids which stretch as he releases his hand, h sticks out his clarinet) I've got an audition with the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic Orchestra tomorrow morning, and I'm a nervous wreck!
SpongeBob: (now in Squidward's house) Why don't you try taking a walk? (Squidward slowly turns around) Works for me!
Squidward: You know, normally I would jump up and scream when you appear like that. But I'm so tired I'm just gonna take your stupid advice! (Squidward walks away, Patrick is making noises outside and SpongeBob looks out the window to see Patrick chugging the entire bottle of soda)
SpongeBob: No Patrick, no! (SpongeBob jumps from Squidward's window into his own and tackles Patrick, dropping the soda) We've gotta keep it quiet! (bubbles begin to form in Patrick's stomach)
Patrick: Tell my parents I love them. (SpongeBob jumps up and shoves a pillow in Patrick's mouth, then breathes in and shoots orange cones around them from the pores in the top of his head, then pulls ears from his sides and puts on headphones)
SpongeBob: Hit the dirt! (slides down, Patrick practically explodes and his eyes pop out, releasing bubbles and sending SpongeBob into the wall)
Patrick: *burp* (pulls eyes back in and swallows pillow) Ahh, that was sheer beauty.
Squidward: (leaving house) Taking a walk... Walkk... Waaaallllllkkk... (looks at a billboard for beds and sighs, side wipe to him passing a man sleeping on a bench, then side wipe to him passing a pet store with sleeping worms in the window, side wipe to him passing a TV shop playing sheep jumping a fence) Oh. (side wipe to SpongeBob's door) Home. (walks into the door and opens it, SpongeBob and Patrick are on the couch watching a movie and eating popcorn from Gary's food bowl, which is on his shell, Patrick is upside down as SpongeBob feeds him and Gary is on the floor, Squidward just stares at the two of them, who stare back)
Patrick: SpongeBob? What's happening?
SpongeBob: I don't know. (Squidward closes his eyes and starts snoring, before falling over) Oh! (slides underneath him in the shape of a mattress, getting there just in time, Squid fluffs his eyes like a pillow and sleeps on him)
Squidward: (in sleep) Oh, (mumbled nonsense)
SpongeBob: Aww, poor guy was just sleepy. Looks like we're gonna be here awhile. See ya in the morning Patrick!
Patrick: Oh, yeah, I should probably... (dives onto SpongeBob) Ah... (snores, Gary slides over and onto Squidward's head)
Gary: Meow.(starts sleeping)
SpongeBob: Aww. (Squid drools through SpongeBob and it comes out a different pore) Aww! (SpongeBob sleeps, cut to the pineapple at night as the scene changes to daytime the next morning)
Clam: (Chirping like a bird, cut to inside where everyone wakes up except for Squidward)
Gary: Meowww. (slithers off)
Patrick: (scratches and yawns, then looks at rug) Ah! THIS ISN'T MY RUG! Where- Where am I!? Who am I!? (starts spinning in circles then stops) Who am I!? (spins in circles and stops again) Who am I!?
SpongeBob: (still on ground, taps Patrick) Patrick! Patrick calm down you're at my house! Oh, and that is your rug.
Patrick: Oh yeah. (starts rolling around in the rug) Ruggy, ruggy ruggy... Ruggy ruggy ruggy... (rolls into the kitchen)
SpongeBob: (still as the mattress, starts shaking himself) Squidward, time to wake up! Wake up little Squidward! (slams down) Patrick, Squidward won't wake up.
Patrick: (rolls back in) Ruggy, ruggy, ruggy ruggy... (throws rug and starts banging Squidward) WAKE UP LITTLE SQUIDWARD WAKE UP!!!
SpongeBob: (slides out from underneath Squidward and reforms into himself) Maybe we should get him up. (SpongeBob and Patrick pick him up and walk around)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Squidward: *grunts* (shot of coffee pot, Patrick opens Squidward's mouth by holding his nose and SpongeBob pours the coffee into it, Squidward's lips swell and steam comes up)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Wake up!!!!
Squidward: *snores* (shot of SpongeBob & Patrick playing guitars)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Wake up!!!!!!
Squidward: *snores again*
SpongeBob: Patrick, this is bad! Squidward won't make his audition with the philharmonic orchestra! What can we do?
Patrick: Ooh! We'll have to create another Squidward in a lab!
SpongeBob: Patrick, you are a genius!
(bubble transition to a Squidward monster in a tub of green liquid, a claw grabs him by the head and lifts him as we see Patrick controlling it with a level, liquid hits SpongeBob's eye)
SpongeBob: Gah! Eye-eyoy.
Squidward Monster: Grrrr! (SpongeBob hands him a clarinet held by a hand claw) Eh? *hiss*! Ah-r-ah! (makes fists) *elephant screaming noise* (he bursts through the wall and runs away, then hits a house and it catches fire and a car is thrown and another house catches fire)
Patrick: Eureka!
SpongeBob: No Patrick, it didn't work!
Patrick: Oh, we've tried everything under the ocean and we failed! If only we could just crawl up inside Squidward and play him like a puppet.
SpongeBob: (snaps fingers) That's it! We could crawl up inside Squidward and play him like a puppet!
Patrick: Oh whose dumb idea was that?
SpongeBob: Yours.
Patrick: Well sounds good to me!
Narrator: Later...
SpongeBob: (holding Squidward's mouth open at his house) Okay Patrick. You go in first, and control his arms and legs. Then I'll go in and control the brain!
Patrick: Okay! (climbs in the mouth but gets stuck in his throat)
Squidward: *sleep choking*
Patrick: Uh hmm. (spins around Squid's head to fit inside than pulls it over him, his head sticks out) Ooohhhh... Uh. *laughing* It tickles. E-ah.
SpongeBob: How does that feel, buddy?
Patrick: Not bad. Okay. Get on my shoulders. (SpongeBob jumps over his back and onto Patrick inside the mouth, then pulls his face over the two of them making his head a square shape, then he pulls out a marker and draws eyes on Squidward's eyelids)
SpongeBob: Okay Patrick (hands on Squidward's brain) I'm gonna see if I can make Squidward talk. (twisting mouth to form words)
SpongeBob as Squidward: My name is Squidward, (SpongeBob's nose pokes through Squidward's nose) and I think SpongeBob is a lame brain. Aha, aha.
Patrick: Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha, wow! *panting* You sound more like him than, than Squidward! Ha ha ha!
SpongeBob: Alright Patrick! We got a date at the Bikini Bottom Philharmonic! let's get goin'! (they start walking but keep tripping) Woah. Whoops. (They stumble out of SpongeBob's house as Squidward) Watch out. Take it easy. (They bump a construction worker into a ditch)
Construction Worker: Hey!
SpongeBob: Left foot, right foot... (they place Squidward's right foot on his left and trip)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Woah! Doy! Woahhh... Uh. (SpongeBob spins the head around)
SpongeBob: Woah, woouh.
Patrick: (running) *grunts* (SpongeBob is stretching Squidward's brain around)
SpongeBob: Woah, oh! (they trip again and hit a fish)
Fish #1: Eh!
SpongeBob: 'xcuse me! Sorry! (they get up and hit another fish who is on the phone and sends her flying)
Fish #2: Yeah, yeah? Woaah!!! Uh. (thuds on the ground and explodes, a car hits Squidward who is now in the road like a ramp and flies)
Driver: Ahhh! (SpongeBob & Patrick, still as Squidward, stumble over and stick his tentacle on the face of a cop)
SpongeBob: Pardon me.
Cop: Hey twinkle toes, you're in a no-dancing zone! (points at sign) Now beat it! (pulls Squidward's nose, revealing Patrick, SpongeBob pulls Squidward's face back over the top of them and they run off, SpongeBob, inside the head, looks around)
SpongeBob: Patrick, I just realized I don't know where the concert hall is! (reaches through a pore and grabs a pilot mask and puts it on, then sticks a controller through Squidward's brain) Let's ask someone. (they walk over to an older fish)
SpongeBob as Squidward: Excuse me, ma'am. I am looking for the concert hall. (fish takes off glasses and sees SpongeBob re-adjusting himself inside Squidward)
Old Lady: Young man, you don't need a concert hall, you need a hospital! (Circus fish walks up)
Circus Fish: Great Neptune you're hideous! (pulls off hat to reveal a second head, which speaks) I manage a freak show, and your exactly the kind of act I need!
Little Boy: Mommy look! It's Frankenstein! (people start gathering)
Fish #3: What is that?
Fish #4: Interesting... (shot of a bus that reads 'Philharmonic')
SpongeBob: Oh! Patrick, that bus is going to the concert hall! (shot of SpongeBob's arm pointing through Squidward's nose, then Squidward runs to the bus where his head gets caught in the door before sliding inside, SpongeBob grabs a coin with Squidward's arm and fumbles it around trying to hand it to the bus driver) Oh, uh! (coin hits the ground and rolls out) Patrick do you have any change?
Patrick: One second. (pulls coin from belly button)
SpongeBob: Oi... (hands out coin through Squidward's nose into the bin)
Bus Driver: Hey, I wasn't born yesterday. That'll be three fares! (two more coins are dropped in, then Squidward runs off) Hmmm. What some people won't do to cheat the system. (door closes)
Narrator: Moments later... (bus pulls up to Philharmonic, Squidward runs out and stumbles up the stairs)
Conductor: AND DON'T COME BACK! (Fish walks out with trombone wrapped around his head)
Fish #5: Oh man, that conductor's brutal! (Squidward stumbles in and falls down the stars of the auditorium)
SpongeBob as Squidward: Oh, oh... (they hit a step and SpongeBob & Patrick fly out, before landing on top of each other on the stage)
Patrick: Oh! (Squidward's body falls on them and they go inside his mouth and stand up)
SpongeBob as Squidward: I was just, (knocks over chairs and a music stand) oh, uh, (grabs another music stand) thing, not on the thing, (dismantles the top of the stand and throws it over the conductor and the side judge) oh, uh.
Conductor: Who is that imbecile?
Side Judge: (checking clipboard) Squidward Tentacles. Apparently he's a clarinet player.
Conductor: Alright. (toaster hits side judge in the face) Whenever you're ready.
SpongeBob: The clarinet! Where's his clarinet?
Patrick: I got it! (Shot of clarinet in Squidward's butt)
SpongeBob: Eww why'd ya put it there?
Patrick: Well I guess I never actually thought of the moment where we'd have to play it.
SpongeBob: Let's see. (literally digging through Squidward's brain) The ability to play clarinet has got to be in his brain somewhere! It's just a matter of squeezing (literally squeezing brain) it out. (SpongeBob & Patrick put the clarinet into Squidward's eye, then take it out and play a really bad note with it) Oh! (SpongeBob punches Squidward's brain, conductor bends a trumpet and throws it)
Conductor: Yah! Alright thank you, next! (SpongeBob & Patrick take the clarinet and actually start playing it well) Grrrr...
Conductor & Side Judge: Huh? (Squidward starts running around the stage and ballerina dancing, SpongeBob is inside with a conducting stick)
Conductor: He's magnificent. (Squidward wakes up)
Squidward: Huh? What's going on here? Where am I? I'm at the audition! I'm playing but I'm not in control! I-I-I feel like I've been taken over by some-(moves head side to side)thing.
Patrick: What's goin' on?
SpongeBob: I don't know what's happening! I'm losing control! (Squidward starts bouncing as he dances)
Squidward: Must... Gain... Control! (stretches body, launching it off stage left)
Conductor: That's an unusual playing style but still, he sounds magnificent.
SpongeBob: Patrick I don't think I can command his brain much longer! (Squidward's brain is smashing into SpongeBob)
Patrick: Me neither SpongeBob! (Squidward turns his eyes into his head)
Squidward: What was that- SpongeBob? Patrick!? You're inside me!? How, how did this happen!? (starts punching SpongeBob with his eyes) Get out of my mind! (Squidward is jumping around on stage again) Get out of my body! G-G-Get out! (Squidward keeps playing while his body stretches around, SpongeBob grabs his nose and bites his brain, Patrick starts punching)
Patrick: Guh! Guh! (Squidward stops playing, breathes in, and spits out SpongeBob & Patrick)
SpongeBob & Patrick: Ta-da!
Squidward: Oh, I am going to lambast you!
Conductor: You're a wizard! A magical, musical wizard!
Squidward: I'd- Huh? Oh. (starts brushing off his shirt) *breathes in to start playing*
Conductor: Yes! Yes!!! Oh, bring us to ecstasy maestro!
Squidward: I envy you, common people, for you are about to have the glorious honor of hearing me (puts hand on shirt) play Gustave Mollusk Symphony No. 5 in C sharp minor. For I (lifts clarinet), am in complete control! (starts playing terribly as the conductor and side judge cover their ears)
Conductor & Side Judge: Aye! (stages lights shatter, then the eyes of SpongeBob & Patrick shatter, then we see live action shots of birds flying away, icebergs breaking, and buildings falling over)
Narrator: Later... (we see the three of them on an empty bus, SpongeBob & Patrick are sleeping on Squidward who has a clarinet wrapped around his forehead)
Squidward: *sigh*... Huh? (nice clarinet playing is heard from outside, he looks out the window to see a now-giant Monster Squidward playing a building over a burning city while people cheer)
Fish #6: Aaaahhhh!
Monster Squidward: *Roar!* (takes a bow as people clap) Hrrrr!