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Salsa Imbecilicus

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Amphitrite

(open at the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: (opens the front doors, holding Plankton) You'll never get me secret Krabby Patty formula, Plankton! Adios! (kicks Plankton away. Plankton lands at Sandy's feet)
Sandy: Hm? Plankton, you look like the cheese that fell off the cracker. I bet you tried to get that formula again.
Plankton: I don't get it. A crab's brain is smaller than the point of a pencil, but he keeps outsmarting me!
(Patrick scoots past Sandy and Plankton on an upside down skateboard as they both watch)
Sandy: You should give up that formula. Mr. Krabs would have to be as dumb as Patrick.
Plankton: (gets an idea) Yes. Yes he would! As dumb as Patrick! (laughs evilly)
(cut to Plankton riding a river of Patrick's saliva and into his mouth)
Plankton: (takes out a cotton swab) One swab from the inside of his cheek should do it. (Plankton uses the cotton swab to get a sample of Patrick's saliva. Patrick tongue begins attacking him) Nagging Neptune! (fights the tongue with the cotton swab) Back you twisted tongue! You will not lick me! (Patrick's tongue turns Plankton around and licks Plankton's butt, causing him to scream in disgust. Patrick burps) Sweet gaseous molasses! (the gases propels Plankton's canoe, which turns into an airplane, and he flies out in it)
(cut to the Chum Bucket. Plankton is processing the sauce)
Karen: Oh, P.U.! What's that awful stench? You're not boiling your underpants again, are you? (an audience is heard laughing)
Plankton: I told you to turn off that laugh track. And if you must know, I made sauce. But when I add Patrick's DNA to it, it'll become Salsa Imbecilicus! Idiot sauce! (laughs) I'll serve it to Krabs and it'll make him so dumb, he'll just give me the secret formula! Huh? Huh?
Karen: I think I'd prefer the boiling underpants. (laugh track plays again) Let me do it. You always make a mess.
Plankton: Leave me be, woman!
Karen: Don't tell me-- (Plankton mutes Karen)
Plankton: (dips the cotton swab into the sauce. A bubble in the idiot sauce pops, splattering some of the sauce on Plankton) Oh no. (Plankton turns dumb and starts flapping his lips with his finger. The steam from the idiot sauce rises through the chimney, and condenses inside a cloud, which then hovers over Bikini Bottom and rains the sauce all over the town. Cut to Sandy's treedome. Sandy exits her house and sees the Bikini Bottomites acting dumber than usual. Many of them start crowding her, and she climbs out of them. She then goes to Squidward's house, which is dressed to look like a clown)
Squidward: (laughing foolishly) I've got the best taste in town! Duh! (goes inside his house)
Sandy: I never thought that folks around here were particularly bright, but this morning everyone seems as dumb as traffic cones. (a fish runs by wearing a traffic cone on his head)
(cut to the Krusty Krab. Sandy sees SpongeBob playing in the dirt with his spatula)
Sandy: What happened to your head, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Me make Krabby Patties.
Sandy: Uh, that's mud.
(SpongeBob stuff the mud inside himself and squeezes it out through his holes. He laughs and runs to a stop sign the other residents are crowding. Patrick scoots by Sandy on his upside down skateboard while holding a balloon)
Sandy: Hey, Patrick. Have you noticed that everyone's acting a lot like you today?
Patrick: (stuffs the balloon in his mouth and it pops, causing his head to deflate) I don't understand the question. (resumes scooting away)
Sandy: (sees Mr. Krabs sitting on top of the Krusty Krab throwing his money everywhere. He takes out his secret formula, opens the bottle, eats the formula, and burps it into many pieces) What in Sam Hill? (Mrs. Puff is shown "driving" her boat upside down, which is being pushed by a little kid. Fred is wearing a shower certain while scrubbing himself with a brush. Nat is riding his bike in the dirt. Many citizens chase a jellyfish, poking it and getting stung by it) Hey! Don't do that! (they stop chasing it and line up at the Chum Bucket) Lining up for the Chum Bucket? Now I know everyone's got a hole in their screen door. This place is ground zero for zero. (Sandals knocks on Sandy's helmet and puts his mouth on it) Zero as being everyone's collected by goo.
(cut to the Chum Bucket interior)
Karen: And that's how the idiot sauce spread throughout Bikini Bottom. I guess you weren't affected because you were protected by your treedome.
Sandy: And you weren't affected because you're a computer. Looks like it's up to us to find a cure for the town's idiocy.
Plankton: (banging his head against the mirror. Yelling at his reflection) You not Plankton! ME Plankton!
Karen: We need to snap him out of this. What's the opposite of dim?
Sandy: Bright. (shines a flashlight on Plankton)
Karen: It's not working. Maybe we can feed him something for brain food. You're smart. What do you eat?
Sandy: Nuts? (stuffs Plankton with nuts) Oh, it doesn't seem to be working. You know him. How do you get him to change?
Karen: I usually just yell at him.
(Karen and Sandy start yelling at Plankton)
Karen: Get smart, dummy!
Sandy: Wise up!
Karen: Be clever, idiot!
Sandy: Know things!
(Plankton just laughs and claps his hands)
Karen: It's no use. Being smart takes work.
Sandy: That gives me an idea
(cut to the Bikini Bottom University)
Sandy: Come one, come all to Bikini Bottom University! A free education for all! There's no more excuse for for being a dope! Step right up all you morons! Classes are now beginning! (none of the dumb Bikini Bottomites come) Oh, this isn't working!
Karen: Try jiggling the keys. (Sandy does so, which attracts the dumb citizens to the university. Cut to inside the classroom)
Sandy: Good morning, students. (the citizens act dumb in their seats) A whole school full of Patricks? Looks like we've got our work cut out for us.
(Sandy teaches a fish how to put on pants. The fish gnaws his pants at first, then he puts them on backwards. Sandy shrugs and gives him a thumbs up. Karen teaches three fish how to eat. The first one flings his food behind him on Tom, the second puts her face in her food bowl, while the last one eats his food properly, biting off some of the spoon. In Home Economics class, Mr. Krabs makes a Krabby Patty with a milk carton in the buns and the patty on top and eats it. Karen gives him a thumbs up anyway. The citizens' pointy heads get smaller as time goes by)
Narrator: One semester later...
Sandy: (the Bikini Bottomites are back to normal and leave the classroom) And don't forget your last homework assignment!
Karen: Looks like we were able to educate the whole town in one semester!
Sandy: Yep! Day after tomorrow is graduation! And everybody learned so well.
Karen: Everybody but one.
(cut to the hallways. Plankton, still dumb, laughs while writing "SKOL IZ DUM" on his locker)
Plankton: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: "School is dumb"? You've misspelled every word.
Plankton: Shut up, dweeb! (Plankton's yelling causes Krabs to drop his recipe and cook books) Cook books, eh? You holdin' out on me, Krabs?
Mr: Krabs: (picks up his books) I don't know what you're talking about, Plankton! Leave me alone! (runs off sobbing)
Plankton: I know you're cookin' up something special in Home EC, Eugene! I want that formula!
SpongeBob: (from inside Plankton's locker) Um... Plankton, can I come out now?
Plankton: Did you finish my homework for me, nerd?
SpongeBob: Yeah. (slips the homework out through one of the holes in the locker. Plankton opens the locker letting SpongeBob out) You know, you really ought to do your own homework. It's the only way you'll learn.
Plankton: I'll never learn! (Patrick sweeps an upside down skateboard across the floor, which crushes Plankton) Not again!
Narrator: Ahh... Graduation Day.
(cut to the graduation ceremony)
Sandy: This is a proud day for everyone in Bikini Bottom! And as a treat, Squidward will play "Pomp and Circumstance" on the clarinet. (Squidward starts playing on his clarinet, and the crowd can't stand it)
(in Home EC, Mr. Krabs is making a Krabby Patty)
SpongeBob: Hurry up, Mr. Krabs. They're handing out the diplomas!
Mr. Krabs: Just a minute. I think I've perfected the Krabby Patty formula! (takes a bite of it) Yes! That's it!
SpongeBob: Great! Well, see you out there. (leaves)
Plankton: (enters the room) Somethin' smells good!
Mr. Krabs: (hides his formula) Oh! P-P-Plankton? What are you doing here?
Plankton: It's the last day of school, baby. No need to be formal. Call me Sheldon. (takes a bite of the Krabby Patty) Great Neptune! That's perfection! Well, with this recipe, I could own the most popular fast food restaurant in Bikini Bottom!
Mr. Krabs: (scared) No, please! Not that! Anything but that!
Plankton: Hand over that secret formula, Krabs!
(at the graduation ceremony, the Bikini Bottomites celebrate throw theirs caps in the air in celebration of becoming graduates)
Karen: Congratulations, SpongeBob! You're smart now! It's funny that Mr. Krabs never showed up to get his diploma.
SpongeBob: Yeah. The only two people who didn't show up are Mr. Krabs and Plankton. (gasps) Let me have that diploma! (grabs the diploma and runs through the hallways to get to Home EC)
Patrick: Uh, hey. No running in the halls! (SpongeBob race walks)
Mr. Krabs: (about to hand the formula to Plankton) Here you go, Plankton.
SpongeBob: (bursts inside) Mr. Krabs, your diploma! (throws the diploma to Krabs, and he catches it)
Mr. Krabs: Thanks to this here diploma, I'm suddenly smart enough to never give you me secret formula!
Plankton: What?! If I knew education worked like that, I would have bought a diploma years ago!
Mr. Krabs: Of course it doesn't work like that, you microscopic meathead! I took accelerated classes and graduated months ago! This diploma is just a formality!
Plankton: But--but you were just about to give me the formula! Y--You were scared of me!
Sandy: (from behind a one-way chalkboard) Excellent, Mr. Krabs! Here's your final grade for acting class: A+. I've really felt the fear.
Plankton: Wait, what? Acting class?! (gets picked up by Mr. Krabs) No!
Mr. Krabs: You've finally been schooled, drop-out! (puts Plankton inside his diploma and blows him out the window. Plankton lands on Karen's monitor. The laugh track plays)
Karen: Come on, evil genius. Time to start your post-college years. (Plankton moans as Karen carries him off into the sunset)