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Patrick! the Game

(Screen zooms between Patrick's and Squidward's homes, we see SpongeBob and Patrick playing a game while Squidward relaxes)
Patrick: I don't get it! (holds play dollar) What's an au-dit?
SpongeBob: I dunno, lemme' check the rules… (turns around to grab heavy rule book, groans and slams it on floor, opens it and sighs) Playing certified public accountant isn't as much fun as I thought. (gets up happier) Maybe it'd be funner if we play louder!
Patrick: (eagerly grabs and rolls dice, shouting sharply, goofy faced) I AM ROLLING THE DICE! (rolls dice) NOW I AM MOVING! (moves piece and takes card, questionably) RUN… spread… sheets?
SpongeBob: (yelling) WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?
(pans to Squidward)
Squidward: (angrily) Grrrrrrrr!!! (turns up volume on mp3 player to max)
Patrick: (yelling) MAYBE I'M SUPPOSED TO RUN AROUND WITH THIS SHEET WE SPREAD ON THE GROUND!
SpongeBob: (yelling) YEAH! THAT SOUNDS RIGHT TO ME!
Patrick: (runs around goofily in circles with picnic blanket, laughs)
Squidward: (has game pieces fall on head, turns around angrily) GRRRRR!!!!!
SpongeBob: (faces Squidward) Hey Squidward, wanna play Certified Public Accountant with us?
Squidward: (sarcastic, thinking pose) Oh, let me think, that sounds so—(screaming) NOOOOOOOO!!!
(pans to Patrick)
Patrick: (trips and falls, stops laughing) I don't think this game is ripe.
SpongeBob: (faces Patrick) Yeah, maybe it got picked too soon.
Squidward: Psst, what, do you think games grow on trees? (laughs nasally)
Patrick: Doesn't everything grow on trees?
Squidward: No, you nimmy, (folds arms) somebody makes them.
Patrick: (confused) Makes them?
Squidward: Yeah… (points at skull) Somebody thinks up a game, then they make the game.
Patrick: (childishly) Then I could make a game!?
Squidward: No, you couldn't. You would be incapable.
SpongeBob: (enthusiastically) Well I think Patrick could make up a game!
Squidward: (to himself) The operative word there is think.
Patrick: (enthusiastically) Yeah! The (questioning) opuh-nive word is THINK! (raises arms, laughing) Thanks Squidward, I'll do it! (walks away)
SpongeBob: (enthusiastically) Go get ‘em, Patrick!
Squidward: (rubs head, tiredly sighs) …double morons.
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see Squidward lounging at the Krusty Krab register, reading a book)
Patrick: (barges in yelling) I INVENTED A GAME! (bounces) I INVENTED A GAME!
Squidward: (sarcastically) Whoopee, do tell.
Patrick: (confidently and stupidly) Well, you know how hard Tic-Tac-Toe is? And how it always takes so long to play?
Squidward: Uh-huh.
Patrick: (excited) Yeah! Well, I made it easier, and faster.
Squidward: (sigh) I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, (gets up) but… whadda you got?
Patrick: It's called… (picks up notepad) Tic-Tac! (confidently and stupidly) You start with two lines and a cross (draws a line and cross), and then the first person puts an "X" (draws X), and then the next person puts an—uh… (thinks and breathes heavily) uh…
Squidward: (bored) "O"?
Patrick: Oh yeah, an O (draws O), and then, the first person to get two in a row (draws X) draws a line through them (draws line), and says (victorious) TIC-TAC! (tears paper, screams happily) YOU START! (passes pad to Squidward)
Squidward: (draws X, passes pad)
Patrick: (draws O, passes pad)
Squidward: (draws X and a line, picks up pad bored) Tic-Tac.
Patrick: (loses confidence, embarrassed) Uh… best two out of four?
(Time Card w/ "Many Tic-Tacs later")
French Narrator: Many Tic-Tacs later…
Patrick: (nervously hands pad to Squidward, shivers, sweats and bites nails in suspense)
Squidward: Tic… and… Tac!
Patrick: (sadly) I should've gone with my first idea… (shrugs) "Tic."
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see Squidward on his bicycle)
Patrick: (runs to Squidward excitedly) Squidward I got a new game! (puts hand out to do rock, paper, scissors) It's called Rock! Paper! Butter! (show butter in hand melting)
Squdward: (rudely) Butter invent a different game! (laughs nasally and rides away)
Patrick: (eats butter sadly)
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see Squidward watering his garden)
Patrick: (runs to Squidward excitedly) Squidward I got it! (throws two ropes on the ground) Whose rope is longer? You—
Squidward: (picks up longer rope)
Patrick: (stressed) Aw… you played this before! (walks away)
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, we see Sandy's Treedome)
Patrick: (hopelessly) Sandy, I've been trying to invent a game (zooms in), but every game I invent is a failure.
Sandy: (while making an smoothie out of acorns, chemicals, a grad cap, and an encyclopedia, speaks cheerfully) If you wanna invent a game, you should study all the games you like, and figure out what it is you like best out of them. (blends and pours glass) Then you can use those elements in the game you invent! (gulps smoothie)
Patrick: (miniature Patrick pokes Patrick's right eye out from the inside and pushes a lightbulb, which floats to the top of water helmet, Patrick pulls a string above him to turn in on, inspirational music plays, gasps, speaks confidently) I know what to DO!
(bubble transition, cuts to next scene, we see inside Patrick's Rock where we pan on a tall stack of board games)
Patrick: (holding glue and scissors) And so it begins! (In a montage, we see Patrick snipping scissors, sculpting a piece in his likeness out of glue, chopping a game board (and himself) in half, to then glue and tape a variety of boards in a big, awkward configuration, and after time passes, he picks up a die with tweezers and then activates a menacing switch, lights dim, reactors cause lightning nearby, Patrick is shown with an bizarre face to shock the board (shaped like himself), to then yell in a frankenstein-esque way) It's a game! IT'S A GAME!!!! (yells dramatically) Now I know what it's like to be a GAME-MAKER!!!!!!!!
(bubble transition, cut to next scene, it is night, we see Sandy, Squidward and SpongeBob walking towards Patrick's house)
Squidward: (exacerbated) I don't see the point of this game night. Every game that Patrick has (air quotes) "Invented" is more pointless and boring than the last.
Sandy: (enthusiastically) This time, he did research! (points to Squidward)
Squidward: We haven't started and I'm already bored.
Sandy: (excitedly) Well I'm excited! We're gonna be the first people to test out Patrick's game! (rubs hands)
SpongeBob: (excitedly) This is gonna be written about in the history books someday!
Squidward: (bored) Yeah… in crayon.
(pans to Patrick's rock)
Patrick: (opens rock from inside, wearing lab coat suspiciously) Good evening. Please step into my game-a-torium. (everyone enters rock)
Squidward: More like a lame-a-torium. Heh
Patrick: (jumps on rock to close it, pans to inside with gameboard, couch and snackbowl, lands on chair confidently) Welcome Gamers! (faces him) BEHOLD! (lightning and thunder) My game… (pans over game)
SpongeBob: (pearly-eyed) It's beautiful!
Squidward: (yawns, sarcastically) Are we finished? (shrugs) Who won?
Sandy: (shoves Squidward with elbow)
Patrick: Ha ha hah! No, my friend, we have only just begun.
Sandy: (excitedly) What's it called, Patrick?
Squidward: (sarcastically) Might I suggest… Garbage?
Sandy: (angrily groans and threatens Squidward with fist)
Squidward: (jokingly) What?
SpongeBob: Yeah Patrick, what's it called?
Patrick: (thinks, mini patrick pushes lightbulb out of ear for him to get an idea) It's called… (confidently) PATRICK! THE GAME! (thunder and lightning)
SpongeBob: (starstruck) Wow!
Squidward: (bored) Can we just get started already (looks at watch), I'm late for my coma.
Sandy: (silences Squidward by zipping his mouth)
Patrick: Uh, alright. (eats mixed snacks happily) I'll explain the rules. (swallows) Okay! Each player picks a piece to move around the board. The way you decide which player picks which piece is by rolling the dice! (rolls dice, SpongeBob eager, Sandy curious, Squidward bored) To decide who gets to roll the dice first to see who gets the first choice of player, (squidward angrily growls, steaming) you have to be—
Squidward: (angrily) Look! Patrick! (points) YOU go, then Sandy, then SpongeBob, then me, OKAY!?!? (sits and pauses)
Patrick: (questioning) You mean for picking out player, or for starting the game?
Squidward: (extremely agitated) BOTH!!!
Patrick: Okay. Now, onto rules on how to play the game—
Squidward: (agitated) I've got a great idea, why don't we just start rolling, and you can explain the game, as we play!
Patrick: (thinks for a few seconds) Okay! (rolls dice with goofy grin, moves three spaces, throws play money all over the air and yells excitedly) MONEY!!!
Sandy: (rolls dice, moves to Goo Lagoon and yells excitedly) Yee-haw! (moves house on space) Beach hut property!
SpongeBob: (rolls dice, land on treasure chest and picks up card, yells excitedly) Driver's License! (turns around card to show a literal driver's license) Driver's License! What does that mean?
Patrick: On your next turn, you roll, and can move down the board, OR, (picks up toy race car) you can go around the race track as many times as you rolled!
SpongeBob: (nervous) Oh, what should I do, what should I do!?
Squidward: (takes dice, agitated) You should gimme the dice, gimme the dice, because it's my turn. (rolls dice, lands piece on "Go to Jail") Uh-huh.
Patrick: You go to jail. (slams cardboard box with jail-like cutouts on Squidward, Sandy chuckles)
Prisoner: (shows up in box, angrily scares Squidward) What are you in for, pal?
Patrick: My turn! (spits out dice from mouth, cheats and moves additional spaces forward to land on "Snacks," snacks fly out of the space into his mouth)
Squidward: (sarcastically) Oh, good thing you landed on snacks. You must be famished.
Sandy: (amused, rolls dice, lands on "Coral Avenue") Hmmm… Coral Avenue. I'll buy it! (puts down play money)
SpongeBob: (eagerly rolls dice) Uh, twelve. I'll… (excitedly grabs remote) drive the car! (runs car around race track on board)
Squidward: (attempts to roll dice)
Patrick: Oh, you don't get to roll when you're in jail.
Squidward: (agitated) Well, what do I have to do to get out of jail?
Patrick: (suspiciously) You have to roll a "Six"
Squidward: (attempts to roll dice before interrupted)
Patrick: (angrily screaming at Squidward, threatening him) HEY! YOU CAN'T ROLL THE DICE WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL!!!
SpongeBob: Yeah, play by the rules.
Squidward: (desperately and quickly) Well if the only way to get out of jail is to roll a six, (angrily screaming) and I can't roll when I'm in jail, (insanely) THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OUT OF JAIL!!!!! GRRRR!
Patrick: (writes new rule on index card) Ah, here it is! (stupidly writing) The guy that is in jail has to stay there, unless he rolls a six, OR, someone says his name.
Squidward: Fine, someone say my name.
Everyone Else: (giggles loudly)
Sandy: (rolls dice, lands on "Surgery")
Patrick: (excitedly) Oh boy! You landed on "Do a Surgery!" (while wearing medical mask and holding cards) Now, pick a surgery card.
Sandy: (picks a card) Huh… (loudly and excitedly, grinning) Remove fin bone from the player to your left! (Squidward scared)
Patrick: (picks up Squidward and throws him on the board)
Squidward: (scared and desperate) Oh, wait! OWWW!!!! (Sandy picks up tweezers, Squidward is sweating) But I don't have a fin bone. I'm an octopus.
Sandy: (creepily approaches Squidward with tweezers) Hush now. This won't hurt a bit. (uses tweezers slightly away from Squidward to pick up plastic fin bone from Operation fish) Got it.
Patrick: (angrily) Now sit back down, you criminal!
Squidward: Oh, this game doesn't make any sense! (sits down)
SpongeBob: (worried) Sounds like someone's mad because he hasn't moved.
Squidward: (agitated) Well, neither have you!
SpongeBob: (puts on racing helmet and hops onto toy race car to spin around the track)
Squidward: (agitated) That's it! (takes off and throws cardboard jail) I've had enough!
Everyone Else: (desperate) Come on, don't go, Squidward!
SpongeBob: (glum) Squidward…
Patrick: (confused) Wait… how'd he get out of jail?
SpongeBob: (happily) Squidward made us say his name.
Sandy: (excitedly) That was a smart move, Squidward!
Squidward: (surprised, blinks and turns around) Huh? (gets an ego boost and goes back to play the game)
SpongeBob: Now you roll after me. (rolls dice to move around a loop and land on "Driver's License" again, nervous) Hmm… I think I'll…
Squidward: Race the car!
SpongeBob: I think I'll…
Squidward: Race the car!
SpongeBob: I'll… RACE THE CAR! (races the car)
Squidward: (rolls the dice happily, lands on "Snacks", excitedly) Oh boy! Snacks! (SpongeBob races the car to vibrate Squidward's piece back in jail) No!
Patrick: (excitedly) Jail for Squidward!
Squidward: (desperately) But I was on snacks!
Patrick: (excitedly throws cardboard jail back onto Squidward's head) Tell it to the judge!
Squidward: (agitated) Can someone please tell me what we are supposed to be doing. What's the point!? This entire game is completely random! It jumps from (moving arms side to side) one thing to another—I don't know how you're supposed to win—(angrily) and Patrick seems to be making up the rules (insanely) AS HE GOES ALONG!
Patrick: (puts head in the middle hole of the board like Mr. Mouth excitedly and goofily) Starving! Starving! Sea Star!
SpongeBob and Sandy: (throws mixed snacks in Patrick's mouth rigorously) Starving! Starving! Sea Star! (SpongeBob holds bowl of snacks)
Squidward: (tired) Okay, I'm going outside.
Patrick: (angrily writes a new rule) If a person declares outsidesies, then everyone must go outside!
Squidward: (angrily) But I didn't say outsidesies! I said—(everyone pushes him outside)
Patrick: (rolls die) Four… (excitedly) We are in a giggle zone! Everyone laugh!
Everyone Else: (laughs extremely loudly and happily)
Sandy: (threatens Squidward and continues laughing)
Squidward: (makes a fake, lame "Ha")
SpongeBob: (rolls die) Two! (grabs card, silly) Silly face! Silly face!
(Sandy sticks her tongue out all over her helmet while SpongeBob spins face around like a toilet, and patrick makes his head blow up before his eyes land on him)
Squidward: (angry and insane) GRRRRRRRRRR
Sandy: Now THAT'S a silly face!
SpongeBob: Hey, Squidward! You finally understand the rules!
Squidward: (angrily screaming) Oh, I get the rules alright! The RULES are that it doesn't matter what anybody ROLLS! (paces, agitated) YOU CAN JUST MAKE UP WHATEVER IT MEANS!!!!! So I can just ROLL THE DIE (rolls die) and say AUTOMATIC WINNER!
SpongeBob: (happily) Good job, Squidward! You won!
Sandy: (happily) Nice play, Squidward!
Squidward: (confused) Huh, oh, (satisfied) you know what, you're right, that was a good play.
Patrick: (suspiciously) Not so fast… (writes a new rule) No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner."
Squidward: (surprised) You did it again. (agitated) You made up another rule! (angrily insane) THIS GAME IS THE WORST!!! STUPID GAME!!! (picks up Patrick and slams him on the ground repeatedly, to then throw him in the air and destroy the game rabidly)
(Police quickly arrive)
Police Officer: (stern) Destruction of private property! (Patrick writes a note) Oh, and I see here, you're a repeat offender! (walks and throws Squidward in the trunk of the police car) You're going to real jail! (slams car door)
Squidward: (gleefully) Anything to get out of this game! Thanks officers!
Prisoner: (angrily) Welcome back!
Squidward: (desperately reaches and shouts as driven to jail) Somebody say my name!
(cuts to end, where we see a game box with Patrick in the middle)
Patrick: (screaming) GAME OVER!
End