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What's Eating Patrick?

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Amphitrite

SpongeBob: (hanging up a banner. Singing) Founder's Day is here today. (speech) Squidward, is this even?
Squidward: A little higher. (SpongeBob leans further) A little to the left. A little more to the left. (SpongeBob falls off the ladder. Squidward laughs) Perfect! (a barrel SpongeBob knocked over rolls and hits the ladder, knocking it over on a table, which flips and smashes Squidward's head) Ow.
SpongeBob: (Mr. Krabs comes out of his office dancing and playing the accordion) Wow! Mr. Krabs really loves Founder's Day!
Squidward: No he doesn't.
SpongeBob: But just look at him go!
Squidward: This is the day he gets the patty orders for the big Founder's Day Eating Contest. It's the most money Krabs makes all year.
SpongeBob: Well, it's not just that. Mr. Krabs has a lot of love in his heart for this town.
Mr. Krabs: Nope, it's good as that. Not only do I supply the eating contest, but I get to sell my profilerating patties to all the hungry spectators! I had to grease a few wheels, but it was worth it.
Commissioner: Thanks, Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Sure thing, Mr. Commissioner! See you at Founder's Day!
(end of flashback)
Mr. Krabs: (singing) Oh... I wonder, wonder, wonder how many Krabby Patties must we make!
Squidward: Wonder no longer. You only need one.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps and reverses) Ekam ew tsum seittap ybbark ynam woh rednow, rednow, rednow I ho. (to Squidward) What do you mean one?!
Squidward: (shows the newspaper) Didn't you see today's newspaper?
Mr. Krabs: (reading the headline) "No Takers for McNulty Challenge". What's that supposed to mean?
Squidward: He's the current champion. He only needs to eat one patty to win.
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) I'm ruined! No one wants to see a one Krabby Patty Eating Contest, least of all me wallet. (sobs)
SpongeBob: Hey, at least we have Founder's Day.
Mr. Krabs: I couldn't give a seafit for Founder's Day. I need sales, boy. Sales is what I need! Oh, if only there was someone dumb and hungry enough to take on ol' Oswald McNulty.
Patrick: (talking to a mop) I'll just have 47 Krabby Patties, please. I had a big breakfast so I'm not that hungry. Squidward, did you get a new haircut?
Mr. Krabs: Ah, "dumb and hungry"! Well, if it isn't Patrick!
Patrick: I isn't Patrick?
Mr. Krabs: No, no. Of course you are. How would you like to eat as many Krabby Patties as you can handle and restore the honor of your home town?
Patrick: I like the first part, but I don't understand the second part.
Mr. Krabs: I'm talking about Oswald McNulty! He comes here every year with his big city ways and his extremely relaxed throat muscles and he shows us up a bunch of rubes. Rubes! And on Founder's Day, no less! We need a hometown hero to make me lots of mon- I mean, return the belt to Bikini Bottom! (laughs)
(cut to next scene)
Mr. Krabs: You're going up against the best, so you have to beat the best! We're gonna light a fire under you, boy-o!
Patrick: (screams) Oh, no! That's gonna hurt!
Mr. Krabs: Listen up, mister. No more fooling around. You're here to eat and eat, and then eat some more.
Patrick: I like to eat!
Mr. Krabs: Well, let's see how your tummy handles these patties, Mr. Likes to Eat.
Patrick: (laughing) You said "tummy".
SpongeBob: "Tummies". (laughs. Krabs blows the whistle)
Patrick: I like whistles!
Mr. Krabs: Eat! (starts timer)
Patrick: (sniffs a Krabby Patty and takes a small bite out of it)
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing? You're wasting time!
Patrick: Gotta warm up my taste buds, first. (Patrick's taste buds cheer as he eats the patty)
Mr. Krabs: Son, can you eat... faster?
Patrick: Oh, faster? (finishes the patty and eats a couple more)
Mr. Krabs: (stop timer) Four and a half patties in one minute. Well, McNulty can eat a hundred in a minute. But, you know I think your teeth might be getting in the way a little bit.
Patrick: Oh, why didn't you say so? (removes teeth)
Mr. Krabs: I didn't know you had false teeth.
Patrick: (laughs) I don't.
Mr. Krabs: Nah, that can't be it. McNulty has teeth. SpongeBob, let's go to the film. (SpongeBob turns on the film projector. It shows McNulty eating Krabby Patties) Look at that devious face. A face without pity. Cold, dead eyes like a shark's eyes. What is Oswald McNulty doing that Patrick Star is not?
Patrick: His homework?
Mr. Krabs: (gasps) Or maybe, we should be asking what Oswald McNulty is NOT doing.
SpongeBob: His taxes?
Mr. Krabs: You're both wrong! Or possibly right. I mean, I don't know much about his personal life. (points to McNulty's tongue, which isn't touching the Krabby Patty) The point is he's not tasting, boys. That's where Oswald McNulty has the edge! Those extra seconds you take to taste a patty, Patrick, are slowing you down! From now on, you must put them in your mouth, then swallow!
Patrick: I don't get to taste?
SpongeBob: This feels wrong, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Don't act bad bucket, boy. We're gonna need a hundred more patties.
SpongeBob: Okay, I'll get right on it.
Mr. Krabs: We're gonna teach this sea star a new way to eat... without tasting. (Patrick's taste buds sob)
(cut to a training montage of Patrick getting ready for the eating contest. The crowd cheers for him)
Fred: There he goes!
Man #1: Our champion!
Sadie: He's so dreamy!
Mr. Krabs: Come one, come all! This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! It's a Founder's Day extravaganza! Watch our hometown hero, Patrick Star, take on the beloved champion from towns over, Oswald McNulty, and see who takes the patty belt!
Dad: (to Patrick) Say, can my little boy ask you something?
Boy with broken foot: Are you the brave man that's gonna bring the belt back to Bikini Bottom?
Patrick: (speaks incoherently with his mouth full)
Dad: Inspiring words!
Boy with broken foot: I hurted my foot on the playground.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, yeah, that's wonderful. Move back. Be sure to bring your friends!
(cut back to the Krusty Krabs. A huge crowd is cheering. Oswald McNulty arrives and the crowd starts booing him)
Boy with broken foot: Dad, is that the bad man who took the belt away from Bikini Bottom?
Dad: Yes, it is son. (they start booing him)
Perch Perkins: Looks like this crowd is hungry! For excitement that is, and also possibly food. Any moment now these doors will open on what promises to be the most dynamic patty eating contest in Founder's Day history!
Mr. Krabs: (as a vendor) Krabby Patties, t-shirts, conical hats, and Patrick's chompers!
Perch Perkins: Today, our local hero, Patrick Star, the courageous underdog, is going against five-time belt winner, Oswald McNulty, from three towns over. One can only imagine the seeding tension pulling over right now between these two titans of the sport as they prepare for ultimate battle.
Patrick: (to Oswald) Hey.
Oswald: How's it going?
Perch Perkins: Five short minutes to consume as many patties as they can.
SpongeBob: Who's ready?!
Patrick: SpongeBob, I don't wanna do this.
SpongeBob: Well, then don't do it. I'm sure Mr. Krabs will understand.
Mr. Krabs: I smell mutiny. What's going on here?
Patrick: I don't want to eat in the contest. It hurts my taste buds' feelings. (his taste buds sob)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, no problem. (takes out a bill)
Patrick: What's that?
Mr. Krabs: That is a bill, for all those Krabby Patties you ate during training. (the bill rolls out a long distance)
Patrick: I didn't know I had to pay!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I didn't know either until you decided you weren't doing the contest, and that means all your training patties just became plain, eating patties. Now, if you was to do the contest, I might be inclined to tear up this here little bill, and of course, there are all the people counting on you, son. (the crowd cheers)
Boy with broken foot: Ow, my foot.
Patrick: Okay. I'll do it for the little boy with the hurt foot.
Mr. Krabs: You made the right choice, kid! (tears up the bill and laughs)
(the bell rings)
Perch Perkins: There's the bell! And we're off and eating! (McNulty starts eating Krabby Patties) McNulty taking an early lead and really going to work with those patties. What a dynamo! A little skull from three towns over eating at a terrific pace! (Patrick is struggling to eat a Krabby Patty) But what's this? Patrick Star not is moving! He seems stuck in the gate!
Mr. Krabs: What are you doing, Patrick? Don't make me charge you for those patties, too!
Perch Perkins: McNulty is pressing forward. Looks like this is gonna be a blowout!
Boy with broken foot: Patrick! I believe in you, Patrick!
Patrick: (smiles at him. He gets a determined look and starts quickly gobbling down the Krabby Patties)
Perch Perkins: But, wait! Patrick Star is on the move! Patties are starting to disappear! Look at that little sea star eat! He's inching closer to McNulty, and it looks like McNulty can feel the heat! Never has there been a more pretentious display of competitive eating! The amount of patties being consumed is astounding! And now. Yes, yes! Patrick Star has matched McNulty! And they are tied as they come into the home stretch! Both eaters are going to hit the patty wall at some point. And, and... (Oswald and Patrick become too full to finish) Both eaters have stopped! With only seconds left, we are tied in patties eaten, and neither seems to have the room to go on! What's this? (McNulty faints) And down goes McNulty! It looks like we could have a tie!
Patrick: It's over, SpongeBob. I can't go on.
SpongeBob: The taste, Patrick! (grabs Patrick's tongue) Remember the taste! (slaps it)
Patrick: The taste. (stands up and points to the air)
Perch Perkins: What's this? Patrick Star has risen from his seat and is pointing to center field. (Patrick points to the boy with a broken foot) No, wait! He's pointing to a little boy with a hurt foot. (Patrick points to his mouth) Ladies and gentlemen, he's pointing to his mouth, as if to indicate something.
Boy with broken foot: (holding a Krabby Patty) Here you go, champ. You can have mine! (Patrick sticks his tongue out. His taste buds carry the Krabby Patty into his mouth and he eats it)
Perch Perkins: And, he's eating! He's eating! The Great Starbino is eating! Patrick Star wins! (the crowd cheers) The belt is back in Bikini Bottom!
Commissioner: Here you go, son. You've earned it fat and square. (Patrick puts the belt on)
Perch Perkins: Congratulations, Starbino. So, are you gonna defend the belt next year?
Patrick: No. This thing doesn't even fit. (the belt breaks off and flies off)
Boy with broken foot: (off-screen) Ow! My other foot!