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Pull Up A Barrel

(opens with Mr. Krabs sniffing around the outside the Krusty Krab)
Mr. Krabs: Nope, nothing. (closes the front door) I can't smell a cent or a dollar or any money in a 5-miles radius. We might as well settle down early (Squidward happily shrieks) Just as soon as that guy finished his meal.
Squidward: You mean the guy who's been nursing a single fry for the last hour?
Mr. Krabs: He goes, you can go. (walks away. Squidward bashes his head on the register and growls. Squidward walks to the costumer that is sucking his fry)
Squidward: Excuse me sir, but you seem to be having trouble masticating. Here let me help ya. (makes the costumer chew the fry. The costumer swallows it and then leaves the restaurant) What? No tip? Finally, yes! Leaving early! I can't believe this is finally happening! (suddenly a storm starts and Squidward gets struck by lightning) Cause it's not.
Mr. Krabs: Oh my! That's quite a storm! You know, a storm like this puts me in the mind of me old navy days.
SpongeBob: (from the kitchen window) Old navy days? Ooh!
Mr. Krabs: That gives me a fine idea SpongeBob! Since it looks like we're gonna be stuck here for a while, why don't you pull up a barrel, me ladies? While I rekey you with a thrillin' tale of my mysterious salty past! (Squidward turns into dust. Cut to Mr. Krabs setting up a table before telling the story) There now. The lights are properly dimmed. Feast yourself on these slightly expired soda crackies (drops a block of crackers on a bowl and the block shutters the bowl) as I explain ya the yarn that puts hair on your chest.
Squidward: I don't want any hair on my chest.
SpongeBob: Oh, I do! (takes the block of crackers and eats it)
Mr. Krabs: It was a day just like this one. The wind was howling! (a ship sailing during a storm) And me ship was being tossed about like a rag doll on a trampoline! I was in the galley! Cooking up grub for me crew to keep their mind off this horrible squall! (Past Mr. Krabs chops vegetables, makes a salad. And adds some sauces. He then adds food in a soup, peels a potato which falls into the pot and he adds a petal from a flower and a condiment) It was just then that he bursts into the galley!
SpongeBob: Who he?
Mr. Krabs: The man whose mission was to make my life a livin' nightmare! (SpongeBob eats another block of crackers and also eats the box) The roughest, toughest, scaliest old barnacle that ever roamed the briny deep! He was me commandin' officer. And he loathe me with a wide, hot hatred of a psychotic madman! They called him (a starfish that looks like Patrick opens the galley door) Captain Scarfish!
Captain Scarfish: Hello!
SpongeBob: Ahhh! (Past Krabs is frosting on a cake but the cake melts when he notices Captain Scarfish)
Captain Scarfish: Stand in attention Mr. Krabs! I want you to tell me the meaning of this! (shows a sandwich on a plate)
Past Krabs: Oh, that sir? Well sir, that's a sea cucumber sandwich, sir, with the crusts cut off, sir. A little booshie-amusie for the boys, sir.
Captain Scarfish: (throws the plate away) This is the navy son! We don't cut the crusts off! We eat the crusts and throw the rest away! (opens a trunk full of moldy crusts and start to eat the crusts)
Past Krabs: But that's… that's madness! (taps on Captain Scarfish's shoulder who turns around and is eating crusts)
Captain Scarfish: I'm telling you for the last time. You're gonna have to stop making your food so delicious!
Past Krabs: But I don't know how!
Captain Scarfish: Well, you better figure it out! I need my men wide-eyed and hungry Krabs! We've got a cargo-hold full of suntan lotion, and… (Squidward interrupts the story)
Squidward: Wait! You were transporting suntan lotion? (laughs) What SPF? (laughs)
Mr. Krabs: I don't see what's so amusing about that, Mr. Squidward. We were a cargo ship, Heading straight into pirate territory! With a fresh supply of suntan lotion for shipwreck sailors whose skin was chafed. (Squidward yawns) Chafed, Mr. Squidward!
SpongeBob: Chafed! (back to the story)
Captain Scarfish: Chafed!
Past Krabs: Aye sir, I understand sir. Chafed.
Captain Scarfish: So, tonight's meal is gonna be terrible, you understand me?
Past Krabs: Aye sir.
Captain Scarfish: The worst you've ever made!
Past Krabs: Aye-aye sir.
Captain Scarfish: The kind of slop that will put steel in their spines!
Past Krabs: Aye-aye sir.
Captain Scarfish: Either that or I'll throw you in the brig!
Past Krabs: Yes, sir. (cut to the captain's crew waiting for their food and Mr. Krabs walks in the dining room)
Crew: Huzzah!
Past Krabs: Oh, don't huzzah yet boys.
Sailor: What's on the menu tonight, eh?
Past Krabs: Slop. (the crew laughs)
Sailor: Oh! Slop, eh? Good one! And why don't you put some of that delicious slop right here on my… (Mr. Krabs puts some slop on his plate) Oh. I bet it's one of those things that looks bad, but it tastes really… (tastes the slop and swallows it in disgust) …bad.
Past Krabs: Sorry boys. (puts slop on every plate) Captain's order. (everyone is disgusted by it. The crew angrily looks at Mr. Krabs) Oh, I can't stand it! I don't care what the captain says! (hits the service cart and the slop turns into a pizza dough. Mr. Krabs flips the dough and chops it with a spatula. The dough turns into delicious food)
Crew: Huzzah! Huzzah for Mr. Krabs! Huzzah!
Captain Scarfish: What's all this huzzahing about?
Past Krabs: Oh, nothing sir! Uh, they just really enjoy eating slop, don't you boys? (everyone mushes his food into slop to hide it from the captain)
Captain Scarfish: Attention! (the crew salutes while he examines the food) Looks like slop alright. (shows a bowl of ice cream) And what's this?
Past Krabs: Cherries jubilee.
Crew: Cherries jubilee!
Captain Scarfish: Cherries jubilee!?
Past Krabs: Well, flaming cherries jubilee.
Captain Scarfish: Flaming!? Who are you trying to pull, you lubber? This looks like regular cherries jubilee!
Past Krabs: Well, you see sir, I was just gonna take this here match and… (takes a match and blows it on the cherries jubilee, but he accidentally burns the captain's head. Cut to Mr. Krabs locked in a prison cell)
Mr. Krabs: And so I found meself in the brig. With two guards watching me every move. (a shadow is approaching to the cell) The one was as brutal and ugly a bounder, as you ever wish to see in your darkest nightmare! (the guard looks like Squidward and is playing clarinet)
Guard: Grr, what are you looking at? (walks away playing clarinet)
Mr. Krabs: But I thought I could dupe the other one sure than need a rise. (the second guard looks like SpongeBob and his name is Ensign. He puts a boat toy in his head and the boat slides out from his tongue and he laughs while SpongeBob is laughing)
SpongeBob: Gee, Mr. Krabs. That second guard sounds like a real goofball.
Mr. Krabs: I managed to worm some useful information out of him right away. You see, he was an aspiring cook and I talked him into seeking some things down into the brig for me. The tools of me trade you might say. (back to the story where Ensign making a cathedral with cotton candy) I set him to work on a sponge-sugared cathedral that took up most of his attention. (Mr. Krabs uses some cotton candy to make a key) He never suspected that I was using the scraps to fashion a candy-key.
Past Krabs: Where's your sourpuss friend tonight?
Ensign: Sick in bed like all the men. The captain has been feeding them nothing but moldy, old sandwich crusts. They've all got terrible bellyaches. Not me though, I cook for myself.
Past Krabs: Wise lad. (finishes to make the candy-key. Ensign eats some cotton candy and he goes on a sugar rush)
Mr. Krabs: And so, after a few hours of bouncing off the walls, the sugar finally wore off (Ensign stop bouncing around and falls asleep) And soon, he was napping like a baby. This was me chance to use me sweet key to freedom. But did I dare take it? (looks at a picture of Captain Scarfish) I'd be in violation of the naval code. Then something happened that made me mind up for me. (a cannonball hits the wall) Pirates! We were under attack! (Mr. Krabs frees himself from his cell) I had to act fast.
Past Krabs: (shakes Ensign to wake him up) Wake up lad! Wake up! Man, your battle stations! (runs to the sickbay and sees everyone is too sick to do anything)
Mr. Krabs: I was on me own! (Mr. Krabs takes a telescope and sees a pirate ship) I could see it all. A pirate ship! (he sees an island with some sailors on it) And on that island, a crew of five naval men! Our only hope, marooned on a beach by those same scurvy pirates! And suffered from the effects of chafe! Sunburn! (a boat with pirate on it is rowing toward the cargo ship. The captain of the pirates looks like Sandy) The pirated had already launched a boat and were preparing to board our vessel.
Pirate Captain: Row, you worthless dogs!
Captain Scarfish: Stand down Krabs! I'll have you on irons! (holds up two irons and steam comes out from the bottoms)
Past Krabs: Listen to me captain! This is gonna get real ugly real fast! We've got to get to the cannons!
Captain Scarfish: We're not outfitted for battle Krabs! There is no ammunition. The cannons are ornamental at best. (shows a gold cannon with a candlestick holder on it) Ornamental at best!
Past Krabs: Then listen carefully! We'll have to go down to the cargo-hold and poke holes in the barrels of suntan lotion and scuttle the ship!
Captain Scarfish: What you're suggesting is mutiny! (Ensign flings something on Captain's hat)
Ensign: Do as he says, captain.
Past Krabs: What are you using for ammo there, Ensign?
Ensign: Oh, I rolled up an old moldy sandwich crust into a hard little ball.
Past Krabs: That's it! Come with me, lad! (him and Ensign take some moldy sandwich crusts and fill the cannon with it. They fire the crusts cannonball and it hits the pirate ship, which breaks in half and sinks) Direct hit! (with Ensign) Huzzah! (the pirates invade the ship)
Pirate Captain: You'll pay for that! Get ‘em boys! (the pirates begin to attack)
Ensign: Uh, what do I do?
Past Krabs: Get down to the cargo-hold and check on the captain! (uses his telescope as a sword) Charge! (Ensign goes to the cargo-hold while Mr. Krabs fights the pirate crew. Pirate Captain is sitting on a barrel holding a cup of root beer)
Pirate Captain: Aw, he's kinda handsome for a crusty old cuss. (Ensign finds Captain Scarfish crying in the cargo-hold)
Captain Scarfish: I can't do it. I'm weak.
Ensign: Snap out of it, man! (slaps Captain Scarfish, but Captain's scar stays on his hand) Eeww!
Captain Scarfish: My personality! (cries)
Ensign: Oops, uh, let me put that back. (slaps him again and the scar his back on Captain Scarfish's face. He takes a sword and pokes a hole on a barrel, releasing a torrent of suntan lotion. He then makes an opening for the lotion, which reaches the island the cures the naval fish from their sunburns. The naval fish swin to the cargo ship while Mr. Krabs is still fighting the pirates until he loses his telescope)
Past Krabs: Uh-oh! Uh, anyone, cherries jubilee?
Pirate Captain: Finish him off!
Naval Fish: Huzzah for Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Ha-ha! The sunburn brigade! (the naval fish trap the pirates in a net) Ha-ha! Me plan worked! He-he-he-he!
Pirate Captain: Handsome and clever I see (repeatedly blinks at Mr. Krabs. Cut to her in a prison cell) Join me Krabs! We'll rule the seven seas together!
Past Krabs: I can't let you go, lass. I'd be in violation of the naval code. Enjoy your last meal. I hope you like sponge-sugar! (gives her a pie)
Pirate Captain: (starts to eat the pie) Huh? (finds the candy-key in it) Oh! (giggles. She and Mr. Krabs wink at Ensign, who made a cotton candy sculpture similar to the Statue of Liberty. Back to the Krusty Krab where SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are winking at each other)
Squidward: What are we all winking about?
SpongeBob: I don't know! (they continue to wink and Squidward gets annoyed by it)
End