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Karen 2.0

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: Amphitrite

Karen: Another bag of chum. (dumps chum on a plate) Eugh! Now to this into his Highness' dinner request. (Karen's monitor shows a drink, a slice of pizza, a hamburger, and a pie. Zaps the chum with laser, turning it into food)
Plankton: (using a welding tool to rearrange a circuitboard) Almost done.
Karen: Here you go. Eat up.
Plankton: What's this supposed to be?
Karen: Chum seaweed, chum pot pie, chum con coral, and chum tea. Also known as "dinner".
Plankton: Karen, your memory banks are bumped up, again. I did not request chum pot pie, I requested chum stir fry.
Karen: Well, I told you months ago that my memory was full, but you've been busy with your latest project. So tell me, Plankton. How do you plan on failing to steal the Krabby Patty formula this time?
Plankton: Computer wife, don't start with me. This plan is foolproof, I tell you. Foolproof! Not only will I soon grasp the formula, but I'll get rid of your bad memory as well. (puts the circuitboard inside the robot. Presses button. It turns to reveal its screen) Karen, I want you to meet my new computer wife: (the robot's screen flashes, and turns on) Karen 2!
Karen: (gasps) Karen 2? I've been... replaced?
Plankton: I'm afraid so. But, can you blame me? She's got triple the processing, all the latest software, and a sleek space-age design. (chuckles) The whole package.
Karen: I can't believe this. After all I've done for you! You dumped me for this cheap pile of plastic?
Plankton: Well, I had to cut the cost somewhere.
Karen 2: Who are you calling cheap? At least I don't rust.
Karen: You know, you're going to wish that you deleted that comment.
Plankton: Hey, come on, Babe. Don't take it so hard. You'll find love, again. Maybe you'll meet a nice... adding machine.
Karen: Oh, that does it! (Karen's monitor shows the words "Loading: Jealousy Scheduler. A bar fills up on the bottom)
Plankton: Oh, why did I program her with a jealousy scheduler? (Karen unleashes a laser) And why did I outfit her with a molecular rearranger ray?!
Karen: (monitor changes from a pie to stir fry) Here's your stir fry, little man!
(Karen tries to zap Plankton. He screams and dodges the laser)
Plankton: Uh... let's not do something we might regret. (runs off. Karen appears right in front of him)
Karen: You should know, regret is the one thing you left out of my operating system. (Karen prepares to zap Plankton, but shuts off)
Plankton: Huh? What happened?
Karen 2: I accessed the Chum Bucket's power grid, remotely cutting off Karen's power at the source.
Plankton: Ha! Karen 2, I knew you were special the moment I laid eye on your motherboard. Good bye, Karen Classic. Hello Karen 2! (laughs evilly)
(cut to the Krusty Krab closing time at night)
Mr. Krabs: Ah... the end of another lucrative workday, SpongeBob. (locks the Krusty Krab)
SpongeBob: Yes... the end. (saddened) Quitting time is almost too much to bear.
Mr. Krabs: Seriously, son. You gotta lighten up. Well, good night, kiddo! (proceeds to walk away)
SpongeBob: (following him) Good night, sir. See ya, tomorrow.
Mr. Krabs: Yessir. As sure as the sea's wet.
SpongeBob: Catch ya later. So long. Bye, bye! Tooda- (trips over something)
Mr. Krabs: Phew... wouldn't be the first time I've been saved by a pile of trash. (walks away)
SpongeBob: (looking at a box with Karen inside) This isn't a pile of trash. It's a free computer system.
Mr. Krabs: (runs back) Free?! Now what kind of barnacle would throw out a perfectly good computer?
SpongeBob: Judging from our location, I'd say Plankton.
Mr. Krabs: Heh. He always has been a knucklehead.
SpongeBob: Could this be one of Plankton's elaborate ruses?
Mr. Krabs: Perhaps. But, who could pass up a free computer? Let's plug her in and see what she can do.
(cut to Mr. Krabs' office)
Mr. Krabs: (turns on Karen. "Loading" appears on her monitor) She's loading up. Now, let's see what this dial-up thingy works. (puts a telephone receiver on top of her screen. A loading hourglass appears on the monitor) This thing does text mails, right?
SpongeBob: Yeah. I think so.
(Karen's monitor shows the words "Karen Classic" on it. Karen's picture is next to it)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, that sounds promising. (Karen's screen suddenly changes to her face, crying, scaring SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs) Our computer's supposed to emote? No need to cry, little lady.
Karen: Don't tell mw not to cry! (resumes crying, scaring them, again)
Mr. Krabs: She's malfunctioning.
SpongeBob: Must be the dial-up thingy.
Mr. Krabs: You're right. It must be interfering with her circuitry. (throws the telephone off her)
Karen: Oh, it's not the dial-up thingy. It's Plankton. He dumped me for a another piece of hardware. (continues crying)
Mr. Krabs: Help me out here, buddy.
SpongeBob: Hey there. Dry those computer tears. I'm sure you two will get back together. Plankton just needs some time to realize how much he needs you. I mean, you guys were made for each other. Well, you were made more for him, and more specifically by him, and now he's built someone with more modern features in every way. There's no need- wait, what was my point, again?
Karen: You men are all alike! (leaps on to her body, and rolls away)
Mr. Krabs: Wait, where are ya going? Smooth, SpongeBob. Real smooth.
(they both exit the office. They see Karen looking out the window at the Chum Bucket)
Mr. Krabs: Let's talk this out.
SpongeBob: Careful, Mr. Krabs. This still could be a ruse. Karen's loyalty may still be with Plankton.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what part of "free computer" are you not understanding?
(through the window, we see silhouettes of Plankton and Karen 2 having dinner in the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: Tonight we celebrate, and tomorrow, the secret formula! (they both laugh)
Karen: (angry) I don't ever wanna see that low life, again. Good bye, you miserable little bug! (on Karen's monitor. A mouse picks up a picture of Plankton and places it in the recycling bin icon)
Mr. Krabs: Well, in that case, (puts a Krusty Krab hat on Karen's head) welcome aboard.
SpongeBob: Alright!
Mr. Krabs: Yee-haw!
(cut to morning)
Squidward: Huh?
Karen: (at cash register) Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order?
Squidward: My order?
Mr. Krabs: I see Squidward must not have gotten the last company text mail. Karen will be taking over your duties from now on, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: So, I'm fired? No more taking orders? No more interacting with customers? No more SpongeBob? I'm free! (laughs) I'm free! Whoo!
Mr. Krabs: Not so fast, Mr. Squidward.
(cut to Squidward in the bathroom holding a mop. Squidward sighs)
Customer #1: Hi, there. Can I get a Krabby Patty and a side of coral bits, please?
Karen: You'll get your Krabby Patty when I'm good and ready! Sorry, I'm just going through a lot emotionally, right now.
SpongeBob: Well, you know what cheers me up when I'm feeling down?
Karen: You defragment your hard drive?
SpongeBob: No. Putting in a hard day's work at the greatest job in the world: the Krusty Krab.
(thumping noises are heard from outside the restaurant. Karen 2 is banging on the doors, but they won't open)
Plankton: Hey, what's the hold up Karen 2? The secret formula is not going to steal itself, you know.
Karen 2: I'm trying to open the door. You didn't exactly design me with arm, you know.
Plankton: Yes, suppose that's true. Alright, I got this. (sees Karen in the Krusty Krab and gasps) What she doing here?! Karen, working at the Krusty Krab? What the...
(some customers run inside, pushing Karen 2 in front of Karen as they do so)
Karen: Well, if it isn't Little Miss Homewrecker.
Karen 2: And if it isn't the washed-up, analog has-been.
Karen: Analog? Who you callin' analog?
Karen 2: I see you've taken your proper role as a cash machine.
Karen: At least I don't look like I was designed to look like a glorified vacuum cleaner!
Karen 2: Well, at least I can say that I WAS designed.
Karen: Why I oughta...
Karen 2: You rusty bucket of bolts.
Karen: You glorified toaster oven.
Karen 2: You poor excuse for a house wife.
(the customers gasp)
Customer #2: What's going on?
Customer #3: I don't know, but my money's on the one with the chrome backside.
Mr. Krabs: Seriously? Did you just say "money"? (grabs a microphone) Welcome to the fight of century! Where, for only $5.99, and the purchase of two Krabby Patties, you will plead the answer to the age-old question: which is superior? High-speed integrated circuits...?
Karen 2: Prepare to have your motherboard ruffled.
Mr. Krabs: ...or old- school vacuum tubes and diodes?
Karen: You're about to have your cookies crumbled.
Karen 2: Bring it.
(the two Karens start fighting each other)
Plankton: Wait. This isn't getting me any closer to the formula.
(Karen 2 kicks Karen's screen. Karen punches Karen 2. Karen 2 headbutts Karen)
Karen 2: That will defrag your algorithms.
Plankton: Ow!
Karen 2: Plankton?
(the customers gasp)
Karen: Stop! He's hurt.
Karen 2: You're throwing in the towel.
Karen: You heartless homepage-wrecking hussy! (rapidly spins arms, and knocks down Karen 2, causing her to break. The customers cheer)
Karen: No one runs down my man. Planky. Say something.
Plankton: Take me home, baby.
Karen: Even though you're just a tiny green loser, I could never stay... (starts going static) mad... at... you. (shuts off and falls to the ground)
Plankton: (screams) Karen! Don't you leave me, Karen. Not again. (opens Karen 2's battery compartment, takes out the battery, and puts it in Karen's) I hope this works. Oh, Karen. Wake up. I promise never to take you for granted, again.
Karen: (reboots) What happened?
Plankton: I had a reality check. That's what happened.
(the customers applaud)
Plankton: Come on. Let's go home to the Chum Bucket, honey.
Karen: I had the strangest dream. I dreamt there were two of me.
Plankton: Two of you? Well, that is strange.
(the two leave the Krusty Krab. Karen 2's screen blows up. The customers leave)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, great. There goes me revenue. What am I gonna do, now?
SpongeBob: Well... (holds up Karen 2's screen) we could rebuild Karen 2.
(cut to Squidward at the cash register. He is wearing Karen 2's screen)
Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. May I take your order? Beep. Beep.
Mr. Krabs: Keep it up, Mr. Squidward. The kids love robots.
Squidward: (sighs) What I wouldn't do to have my face in a toilet, right now.