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Squiditis

(The scene starts in Jellyfish Fields. Squidward is seen happy with a rainbow over his head. He sighs in bliss.)
Squidward: My what a beautiful day it is outside.(The background behind Squidward fades as we realize it was just a figment of his imagination. He is really in the Krusty Krab.) Too bad I'm cooped up inside the Krusty Krab.
(SpongeBob pops out of the kitchen window.)
SpongeBob: Who are you talking to Squidward?
Squidward: Just where I always seem to be on a nice, sunny day.
SpongeBob: Aw look at it this way Squidward, things could always be worse.
Squidward: Worse how?
SpongeBob: Well uh...
(A customer walks by and sneezes.)
SpongeBob: You could be sick.
Squidward: Sick? Is that really even worse?
SpongeBob: *gasp* Being sick is awful. The aches, the running nose, the fever are bad enough. That's not even the worst part.
Squidward: Oh really?
SpongeBob: No, the worst part is missing a glorious shift here at the Krusty Krab.
(These words echo through Squidward's ears.)
SpongeBob: Squidward? Squidward? Squidward!
Squidward: SpongeBob? Oh SpongeBob I'm suddenly not feeling very well. (He fakes a cough.)
SpongeBob: What's the matter?
Squidward: Well uh, let's see uh.... I have a scratchy throat... uh... in my mouth and um uh... my eyes are itchy. (He scratches them.)
SpongeBob: Squidward what could it be?
Squidward: I'm not sure, but I fear I might be coming down with a dreaded illness.
SpongeBob: Ah! What is the name of this horrible illness?
Squidward: The name? Oh um... Squa... Squi... Squer... Squeer... uh, Squid's Disease.
(SpongeBob gasps again.)
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: Squid's Disease.
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward Squid's Disease!
(SpongeBob gasps once more.)
SpongeBob: Squidward I think this disease is affecting your temper. (SpongeBob leaves the window.)
Squidward: SpongeBob? SpongeBob. (SpongeBob hides behind two bags.) What are you doing back there?
SpongeBob: I hate to be the bearer of bad news Squidward but I think the best thing to do for someone in your condition would be (gulp) go home and not come back until you're fully recovered.
Squidward: Well SpongeBob I think you're probably right.
SpongeBob: I'm so sorry Squidward.
Squidward: Well I better break the bad news to Mr. Krabs. (He coughs again to convince SpongeBob.)
(In Mr. Krabs' office.)
Mr. Krabs: You're sick? (Squidward coughs.) Well you don't look any sicker than you usually do. You know what? I better give you the old Navy oncer just to be sure.
Squidward: The what?
(Mr. Krabs lifts his nose.)
Mr. Krabs: Now open wide.
Squidward with his mouth open: Aaah.
(Mr. Krabs looks at his tongue.)
Mr. Krabs: Tongue looks fine. (He looks at Squidward's eyeballs.) Eyes check. (He taps his head.)
Squidward: Ow.
Mr. Krabs: Forehead feels normal. Now let's see those knee caps. (He hits them.) Reflexes are a little slow, but I'd expect that from you.
Squidward: Wonderful.
Mr. Krabs: Well Mr. Squidward, in my expert opinion you look as fit as a fittle.
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs-
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Krabs nothing!
Squidward: But I-
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Krabs nothing!
Squidward: But But-
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Krabs nothing! Just go ahead I'm going to keep saying it.
Squidward: But what about the customers? You don't want them to get sick do you?
Mr. Krabs: No and I don't want them to get hungry either. (He pushes Squidward outside his office.) So step to it Mr. Squidward. And oh yeah, and get well soon. (He laughs and Squidward sighs. The next scene shows a long line at the register.)
Squidward: SpongeBob would you bring that order out to table three, please?
SpongeBob: Right away Squidward. (He has a face mask on.)
Squidward: SpongeBob. Turn around please.
(He turns around and it's a gas mask.)
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: And what is that suppose to be?
SpongeBob: This? (He points to the tray.) Oh it's a number two, a Krabby Patty with cheese and medium drink regular-
Squidward: Not that, not that. The thing on your face.
SpongeBob: Um this? (He points to his mask.)
Squidward: Yes.
SpongeBob: Oh this is just a precautionary measure in case anybody in the work place happen to fall ill which in this case you have. I wear it to protect my body from spreading germs and bacterias.
(Squidward comes up smiling in front of SpongeBob.)
Squidward breathing intentionally hard: Hi SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hello Squidward.
Squidward: Can I see that?
SpongeBob: Um actually no.
Squidward: I find this all so very interest- (He purposely sneezes inside SpongeBob's mask.) -ing. (SpongeBob yells and runs away into Mr. Krabs' office.)
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: Neptune's kneehighs how many times do I have to remind you to knock?
SpongeBob: (He knocks.) Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: That's better. Now what can I do you for-
SpongeBob: It's Squidward, he's sick.
Mr. Krabs: That's funny you're the second person today who told me that.
SpongeBob: Who was the first?
Mr. Krabs: Squidward. I checked out the slimy green cashier personally and if he's sick and I'm next mayor of Marbleway Mountain. That doesn't sound like a bad gig actually.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs you have to believe me. Squidward's got a terrible disease called Squid's Disease. Scratchy throat, itchy eyes, dry mouth and fevers and boils and miss work days and ahh..
(At the register with Squidward.)
Customer: One Krabby Patty please.
(Mr. Krabs walks up to the register.)
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward got a minute?
Squidward: (sarcastically) Oh of course. It's not like I'm busy working or anything.
Mr. Krabs: We got a situation with the kid. Something's got him spooked. He can't cook in this condition. No cookin', no patties. No patties no money.
Squidward: And you're telling me this why?
Mr. Krabs: I need you to make yourself scarce for a while.
Squidward: So you're telling me to go home?
Mr. Krabs: Well I don't care where you go just as long as you get out of here.
Squidward: Eeee yippee! Ahahaha! (He walks out the door.) Thanks Mr. Krabs- I mean (he fakes another cough.) Hahaha!
SpongeBob: Poor Squidward.
(The scene transitions to SpongeBob making patties.)
SpongeBob: My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is- (He scratches his eye.) My favorite thing about Krabby Patties is- (He scratches it again.) that's funny, my eyes feel itchy. (He coughs.) And my throat feels scratchy too. Dahaha- (he drops his spatula) itchy eyes, scratchy throat? (He touches his tongue.) Even my mouth feels dry. I've contracted Squid's Disease! (SpongeBob screams and Mr. Krabs comes out of his office.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! Everything alright in here?
SpongeBob: Everything's fine captain. Just a little howl for pleasure.
Mr. Krabs: Well how about a little less pleasure and a little more work. (He shuts his office door.)
SpongeBob: If Mr. Krabs finds out I have the Squid's Disease he'll send me home. Just like Squidward. Wait that's it. Why go home when I have Grandma's down home folk remedies right here? (SpongeBob draws a pot of hot water and puts his feet in it.) Grandma always said if you might be coming down with an illness just stick your feet in hot water. Or was it cold water? (He puts his feet in another pot of ice in the freezer.) Something tells me it wasn't that either. Of course it wasn't hot water or cold water, it was boiling oil. (He places his feet in the fryer.) Ah huh, I can never really feel this dismal quality. (He picks up his feet and they're fried.) Oh no!
(Krabs opens his door again.)
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, are you sure everything's alright?
SpongeBob: Yes everything's fine in here. (Mr. Krabs closes the door.) Just dandy. I better conceal these unsightly blemishes or Mr. Krabs will get suspicious. (SpongeBob covers his legs with mustard.) This super hot, spicy mustard will do the trick. Well actually that burns real bad. Hah hah, stay calm just need to cool it off. Cucumber, cucumber will cool it off. (He looks on a rack with stuff.) Just need to find some cucumber- pickles! Pickles are like cucumbers. (SpongeBob pours the jar of pickle on his legs and feet.) Sweet relief here I come. (He sighs with relief but then realizes how painful it is.) Ooooow! Sweet vinegar, it burns! It burns, it burns! (He trips and crashes into some trash cans. He yells with pain. The scene changes to the fish waiting in line.)
Brown fish: You guys hear what's going on back there?
Harold: Yes and I'm very puzzled.
Nat: So am I. In fact I might be a little concerned.
Harold: Well I don't know if I would go that far.
(SpongeBob groans and crawls out of the kitchen covered in garbage. He falls down next to the three.)
SpongeBob: Sorry I think I might be coming down with something.
Harold: Coming down with something?
Nat: I refuse to be served by a sick frycook.
Harold: Me too. Let's get out of here.
Brown fish: Good idea.
Fish: There is no way that-
(Other people start to leave with them and Mr. Krabs enters.)
Mr. Krabs: *gasp* Me customers. You look terrible.
SpongeBob: Thank you Mr. Krabs. (cough)
Mr. Krabs: Well I can't just stand around as my restaurant becomes a breeding ground for infection. SpongeBob, go home. That's an order.
SpongeBob: But who's going to run the restaurant?
Mr. Krabs: Heh, who's going to run it? I could run this restaurant blindfolded with one claw tied behind me back. I'll show ya.
(We now see Squidward taking a tan outside his home.)
Squidward: (sigh of relief) Who thought having a illness could feel so good? (He sips a drink.)
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward.
(Squidward spits it out.)
Squidward: No no. What happened to you?
SpongeBob: I fell ill. Mr. Krabs said I can't work again until I'm better. Well at least we can spend the day recovering together. After all, misery loves company. Right Squidward? (cough) Squidward?
(Squidward has some tea and is going to sit down on his sofa inside.)
Squidward: Well so much for enjoying the great outdoors. But at least I can sit down and enjoy some (sighs) afternoon tea.
SpongeBob: That sounds like a great idea Squidward.
(Squidward gets spooked and yells.)
Squidward: SpongeBob! What have I told you about coming in my house?
SpongeBob: I figured I can't make you well Squidward but can at least make you comfortable. I brought hot compresses, the good kind with snail butter and even a romantic comedy for us to watch. I know they're suppose to be funny, but I always cry.
(Back at the Krusty Krab, customers are getting angry as Mr. Krabs tries to run the business himself at the register.)
Mr. Krabs: Twenty five Krabby Patties.
(He jumps through the kitchen window and comes out with the patties. He throws them to everyone's faces.)
Mr. Krabs: Order up. Order up. Order up. Order up.
(A fish gets a burger in his face like the others.)
Fish's friend: Hahaha!
(The fish's friend one in his face too.)
Fish: Hahaha!
Green fish: Hey, I didn't order a table patty.
Pink fish: Yeah or a window patty.
Blue fish: Or a face patty. I want a refund.
(All the customers chant the word refund. Back at Squidward's house they're watching a movie.)
Female fish on TV: I love you Dan.
Dan: Ditto.
(The two laugh and the movie ends. Squidward and Squidward are wearing heat compresses and etc. We see SpongeBob sniffling up from the touching moment.)
SpongeBob: Wasn't that great Squidward?
Squidward: Oh yeah howdy. That's too bad it had to end finally.
SpongeBob: Oh no worry, we have all ninety nine sequels to watch next.
Squidward: Will you look at that I'm just starting to feel much much better. I'm going to go work now, bye.
(Squidward runs off to the Krusty Krab and of course SpongeBob follows.)
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward wait! Squidward you're not well enough to return to work. I can't let you.
Squidward: Please just stop. Nyeh. Stop following me.
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward! (They go into the Krusty Krab.) Squidward! (They stop when they see Mr. Krabs on the floor in a mess.)
SpongeBob and Squidward: Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs: I told ye I could run this place all by meself. Blindfolded with one me claw tied behind me back.
SpongeBob: But Mr. Krabs what are you doing here lying on the floor?
Mr. Krabs: Well SpongeBob, funny you should ask. Because in me expert medical opinion, I think I might be coming down with a nasty case of Squid's Disease.
SpongeBob: Squid's Disease? I know just the cure. (He pulls out a VCR tape.)
Mr. Krab: Romantic Comedy? Nooo! Aaahh! Get that thing away from me!
End