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Sweet and Sour Squid

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: abney317

(Opens with a view from the outside of the Krusty Krab)
(Closes in on a patty being grilled by SpongeBob)
(SpongeBob pulls an instrument out of his pocket to check the tune and begins whistling. The patties on the grill begin whistling along with him.)
Squidward: (Sticks head into the kitchen area) SpongeBob! What is that horrible racket coming from back here?
SpongeBob: Just a little grill-side harmony. Everyone knows that cooking and music go together like... eating and listening.
Squidward: You wouldn't know what real music is if it came up and hit you in the face.
SpongeBob: Hey! That happened to Patrick once. He must've been listening to hard rock. (laughs) He had a lump on his head--
Squidward: (Now in the kitchen next to SpongeBob) I don't care! If you want to hear what real music sounds like, then listen to this. (Pulls out clarinet, takes a big breath and begins to play poorly.)
Various Fish: (Customers flee out the front door covering their ears) Hey! Make it stop!
Squidward: (Mr. Krabs takes clarinet away) Hey, give it back! I was just reaching my coda.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, well your coda is affecting me quota. The shrill piercing racket of your fish flute is frightening away me money.
Squidward: Fish flute?!
Mr. Krabs: Well, I don't know. That's what they used to call it back in the--
Squidward: None of you simpletons would recognize real musical talent if it came up and kicked you in the face!
SpongeBob: Hey, that happened to Patrick once, too! He--
Squidward: (Squidward leaves out the front door of the Krusty Krab) None of you know a great musician when you hear him! (Waving his clarinet in the air. We see a view of Squidward from a distance now through Plankton's telescope) Not a single one of you! Not even—even—oh, there's nobody there.
Plankton: (View from outside of the Chum Bucket with telescope showing cuts to view of Plankton) He's still doing it, Karen. He's-- Karen?
Karen: (Karen rolls up next to Plankton) Who's doing what, now?
Plankton: The skinny one. (Squidward still waving arms and yelling something) He's been ranting and raving in front of the Krusty Krab for the past half-hour, waving his arms and jumping around like an animal. (Squidward drops to his knees and begins to cry) Oh, he stopped now. He's just broken down on the ground, crying. Karen, Karen, for the first time, it's hit me!
Karen: What, the door on your way out?
Plankton: No, computer-brain. The skinny one may have been the gateway to the secret formula all along. As a veteran employee, he must know the secret formula, too.
Karen: (sighs) I warn you against it. (Karen is sitting in a chair watching what looks to be a soap opera on television)
Plankton: Too late! (Evil laugh)
(Cuts to Plankton whistling and walking towards Squidward who is watering a garden)
(Plankton clears his throat)
Squidward: (Turns head) Who said that?
Plankton: Down here! I am just an innocent passerby who felt the need to stop and tell you what a magnificent garden you have.
Squidward: Oh... Really?
Plankton: Yes.
Squidward: Well, let me tell you something, mister. I know exactly who you are and why you're here.
Plankton: You do?
Squidward: You will not get me to eat at the Chum Bucket, no matter how big the discount is.
Plankton: Well, that's not exactly why I--
Squidward: (Squidward starts watering Plankton) Shameless.
(Cuts to Squidward waling out of his house)
Squidward: You again?!
Plankton: I hope you don't mind me painting on your property, but the light here, it's simply transcendent this time of day.
Squidward: (sighs) Why, yes, it is, isn't it?
Plankton: Yes! It-- (Squidward begins watering Plankton again) Not buying that one either, huh?
Squidward: Nope.
Plankton: (Knocks on Squidward's door) Hey, buddy! (Squidward slams the door) Squidward! (door slams) Free cleaning service? (Plankton holding up a cleaning bottle-door slams) Census taker. (Plankton holding a clipboard-door slams) Good day, kind sir. Why you like to buy some Gil Scout cookies? (Plankton holding cookie box and wearing Gil Scout uniform, dressed like a girl-door slams) Oww!
Karen: (Plankton tearing tape and taping surgical tubing to himself) Plankton, what are you doing?
Plankton: There's nothing a little duct tape and surgical tubing can't accomplish.
(Cuts back to Squidward walking out of his house in a robe to get the paper)
Plankton: (tubing gets caught and smacks his face) Ow! I knew I should've used pipe cleaners. Hello! I'm your long-lost relative. Can I have the secret formula?
(Squidward kicks Plankton-door slams)
Plankton: Well, that's a fine way to treat a family member.
SpongeBob: Hi, Plankton. Nice dress.
Plankton: Out of my way, SpongeBrain!
SpongeBob: I overheard you and Squidward playing door slam and I wanted to see if I could get in to the next round. (Plankton starts crying) Don't cry, Plankton. Door slam is easy to play, hard to master.
Plankton: None of my tactics are making any impression on him whatsoever.
SpongeBob: Well, let's see. If you really want to impress Squidward, try talking to him about music.
Plankton: Music?
SpongeBob: Yeah, especially his favorite kind of music, his own.
Plankton: Oh, is that right?
(Cuts to Squidward's house)
Squidward: (singing to himself. Opens music sheet and Plankton is inside it) Not again.
Plankton: Wait! Don't irrigate me! I've come to hear your music. It soothes the place my soul would occupy if I had one.
Squidward: Are you sure you've got the right squid?
Plankton: I've never been sure of anything, but I am sure of this: play for me. Fill my ear sockets with the strains of your sweet, sweet magic. (eyelashes flutters)
Squidward: Finally, someone actually appreciates my brilliance. I will play for you, my tiny cyclops. I will play such that Neptune himself will hear me upon his very throne, or whatever chair he's sitting on.
Plankton: Uh-oh. I mean, goodie.
(Squidward takes a deep breath and begins to play poorly, and messes up when he gets to the note Plankton is in front of)
Plankton: (Covering his ears and screaming) yyy-OOOWWWWW! Sweet mother of Aphrodite! Please, make it end!
Squidward: Huh, huh? How are you enjoying the music so far?
Plankton: It's delightful! (Squidward continues to play. Plankton pulls out "Professional Grade Earplugs" and puts them in) Bravo! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! (whistles and claps) Encore, encore! Yes, yes, bravo, bravo! Whoo-hoo!
Squidward: (sighs) My very own fan. (Keeps playing off key. Cuts to the beach)
Male Beach Fish: Did you hear that?
Female Beach Fish: How could I not?
(Squidward walks by playing clarinet)
Both beach fish: (yell) It's terrible! (They get up and run away)
Plankton: Bravo!
Lifeguard: No, no! Make it stop! (Jumps off stand to dive into the water. Swims away)
(Tomatoes and various fruits and vegetables being thrown at Squidward as he walks downtown)
Various Fish: Boo! You sounds like p-u. You're bad! (More yelling at Squidward. Tomato hits Plankton)
Plankton: (clapping) Encore, encore, encore!
Squidward: I'm so glad you're enjoying the performance.
Plankton: Enjoying it? Why, I'm enjoying it so much, it's making me want to... it's making me want to...
Squidward: Want to... sing?
Plankton: That's the word I was looking for!
Squidward: A-one, a-two, a-one, a-two, a-three, a-four. (Squidward plays and background music begins with him)
(background changes to star shapes)
Plankton: (Song in in tune in similar tune and parody of The Who's, "Pinball Wizard")
Skinny arms a-flappin', long nose looks real swell.
Shiny head is bulging, he plays really well.
On the fact that he's a genius you can surely bet,
This strange-looking blue guy, sure plays a neat clarinet!
(Squidward playing some clarinet)
To hear his music playing is like, uh, music to my ears.
His delightful melodies reduce grown men to tears.
If you haven't heard this mollusk play you ain't hear nothing yet.
This funny-looking blue guy sure plays a neat clarinet!
(Fireworks go off in background as Squidward plays some more clarinet)
No one does it better. He's the best there is.
When you ask him how he does it he says...
Squidward: It's all in the wrist! (plays some off key notes)
Plankton: (clapping) Hooray!
Squidward: (bows) Thank you, thank you.
Plankton: Say, uh, musical genius?
Squidward: Yes?
Plankton: When you're not sharing your songs of joy and splendor, one might find you working a shift at the Krusty Krab, correct?
Squidward: It is an unfortunate truth.
Plankton: And you've been working there for a pretty long time, haven't you?
Squidward: That's an understatement.
Plankton: Well, I... I was just wondering, O incredibly musical one, what do they put in one of those Krabby Patties, anyway... secret-wise?
Squidward: Oh, I don't work the grill. I work the register. (plays clarinet and walks away)
Plankton: (Plankton follows) But... surely, you've been near the grill. You must've seen... something. (nervous laugh)
Squidward: Nope. Haven't seen a thing. (continues playing clarinet)
Plankton: You work in the same place for 20 years and you've never noticed ingredients of the sole item on your menu?! Cut the comedy, octopus! I want that formula, and I want it now!
Squidward: Oh, don't you see, Sheldon? Thanks to you, I'm getting better and better as a musician.
Plankton: What?!
Squidward: It's been your constant encouragement that has helped me progress to new musical heights. I'm hitting notes I never even knew existed. (Takes breath and plays loudly and poorly. High pitch note shatters windows)
(Cuts to boating school)
Mrs. Puff: We have-- (windows shatter)
(Cuts to Larry looking in mirror and lifting weights. Mirror shatters)
Sandy: (In helicopter. Windshield shatters) Mayday! Mayday! (Helicopter starts going down)
Squidward: In fact, thanks to you, I'm going to quit my job at the Krusty Krab and become a full-time musician.
Plankton: But then I'll never get my hands on that secret formula. (grunts and ear plugs pop out) Uh-oh. (ear plugs fall from clarinet where Plankton was standing) My Professional Grade Earplugs! Nooooo! (Earplugs spring off ground in slow motion. Plankton jumps off clarinet. Squidward inhaling deeply) Come back! I need you! (Squidward beings to play. Sound waves seen hitting Plankton) Aaaah! Aaah! (Plankton grabs the clarinet) Stop playing this infernal pipe! You're killing me!
Squidward: (Chasing Plankton) Hey! (panting) Come back!
SpongeBob: (Squidward stops in front of SpongeBob) Hi, Squidward. I heard you and Plankton out here playing (air quotes) "door slam," and I was wondering if I could--
Squidward: Plankton stole my clarinet, and I have to get it back!
SpongeBob: Whoo! I wanna play! (Chases along with Squidward downtown)
Plankton: (panting) Aha! Okay, fish flute, time to play a little avant-garde. (Sliding down using clarinet) Guardrail, that is. (evil laugh and keeps running. SpongeBob and Squidward fall down stairs and start and groan)
SpongeBob: Ouch, Squidward. this game is fun!
Plankton: You'll never catch me, you hear! Never! (Plankton stops)
Police Fish #1: We've got you surrounded.
Plankton: You do? Oh.
Police Fish #1: (Police Fish #2 walks towards the scene) We've received hundreds of reports of an excruciating musical disturbance, and you're the only one holding an instrument.
Plankton: Wait a minute, I've never seen this instrument before in my life.
SpongeBob: He's right, officer. Plankton doesn't even play clar-- (Mr. Krabs covers SpongeBob's mouth as he continues to try and speak. SpongeBob points at Plankton)
Mr. Krabs: There, there, laddie. Just let the legal system run its course.
Police Fish #1: (holding top of Plankton's head) Watch your head. (putting Plankton into boatmobile)
Plankton: No, wait! Please! Karen, help! (in handcuffs)
Police Fish #1: Oh, you won't be needing this where you're going. (Drops clarinet. Police siren goes off and the boatmobile runs over the clarinet)
SpongeBob: Boy, that was a close one, huh, Squidward? He almost got your clarinet. (Clarinet snaps as Squidward takes it from SpongeBob)
Squidward: Once again, I hate people.