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Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: SarahGiraffe

(the episode opens showing the title card: The New Adventures of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy)
Mermaid Man: You'll never escape this time, Man Ray. Our molecular bubble is impenetrable.
Man Ray: That's exactly what I was hoping for. (laughs evilly)
(Man Ray rolls over them in the bubble to the doorway of their lair)
Mermaid Man: Stop! (he and Barnacle Boy shoot him with wrist lasers, to no avail)
Man Ray: Thanks for making this easy. Till next time. (laughs evilly and rolls away)
TV Announcer: You've just enjoyed another exciting episode of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Brought to you by the new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy book.
(SpongeBob and Patrick, who are sitting on the couch watching the TV, gasp excitedly and hug each other)
(The TV shows the inside of the comic book)
TV Announcer: For the first time ever, we learn of these legendary superheroes' origins.
And their rise to stardom. Tomorrow, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy will appear in the flesh signing their new book.
Don't delay. Arrive early to make sure you get your copy signed. Doors open at 8:00 am.
Patrick: Oh, boy! We're gonna get our books and then we're gonna meet Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy and then we're gonna shake their hands, and then they're gonna sign our books!
SpongeBob: There's only one problem! (sadly) I can't.
Patrick: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: I'll be in boating school at 8:00 am tomorrow.
Patrick: Oh, well, well, Can't you just skip a day? Just call in sick. Always works for Squidward.
SpongeBob: And tarnish my reputation for never missing one day of school? I couldn't. Besides, that would be lying. And lying is wrong.
Patrick: Okay. Hmm. Oh, oh, I got it! What are those things you use when after you eat, and you need to take a-
SpongeBob: Oh! Take a, take a bathroom break.
Patrick: That's the one! What if you take a bathroom break tomorrow, sneak out of the window, get your book signed, and sneak back into class. It wouldn't take long at all.
SpongeBob: But what if I don't need to use the bathroom?
Patrick: Oh! There's always a catch. (he mumbles and walks to the kitchen) Need brain fuel.
Patrick: (he opens the fridge, but it's only filled with seltzer) SpongeBob, how am I gonna feed my brain when all you have is your fancy bubbly water? Well, it'll have to do.
(Patrick starts gulping down the seltzer)
SpongeBob: Patrick, is this really neces-
Patrick: -sary?! Yes, it is!
(as SpongeBob watches Patrick drink, he sees the inside of him, and his belly filling up with water)
SpongeBob: (pokes Patrick) Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah?
SpongeBob: Y-You feeling all right?
Patrick: (turns away from the fridge, and he's now very fat) Uh-huh. (burps loudly) Why?
SpongeBob: Nothing, nothing. (a lightbulb dings) That's it!
Patrick: What? (burps again)
SpongeBob: I won't go to the bathroom till tomorrow. And when I have to go, I'll really have to go. (laughs)
(bubble transition to the next morning at Mrs. Puff's Boating School)
Mrs. Puff: Can anyone tell me what the hand signal is for a left turn?
(SpongeBob moans and twists his legs together)
Mrs. Puff: Something the matter, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Yes, a little. Ooh, ooh! I gotta, gotta go to the-
Mrs. Puff: I'd say so. (holds up a key)
SpongeBob: The bathroom key!
Mrs. Puff: And make sure you return this bathroom key to my desk or you're in big trouble, mister.
SpongeBob: Thank you, Mrs. Puff. (walks up to her and takes the key)
Mrs. Puff: And hurry back; no dilly-dallying.
SpongeBob: Thanks, will do. (he walks outside)
(bubble transition to Near Mint Comic Books, where there's a long line of people waiting outside.)
Barnacle Boy: (signs a comic book and hands to a kid fish) There you are, young man.
Kid Fish: Oh, boy. Signed by Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Now I shall be the envy of the Superhero Fan Club.
Barnacle Boy: Next.
Mermaid Man: Boy, I sure do like signing books. What's this for, again?
SpongeBob: Hi, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Will you sign our books?
Barnacle Boy: Of course. (he and Mermaid Man both sign them, and he hands them back) There you go.
SpongeBob and Patrick: Thank you!
Barnacle Boy: Mmm, any time, boys.
Mermaid Man: And remember: Stay on the path of evil!
Barnacle Boy: It's stay away from the path of evil.
Mermaid Man: Oh. What is evil?
Barnacle Boy: (smacks forehead) Oh, for the love of-
(bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick walking through Jellyfish Fields)
SpongeBob: Okay, that was fun. Now, I really should be getting back to class.
Patrick: SpongeBob, look! (a jellyfish swims around) Let's go catch it!
SpongeBob: But what about my class?
Patrick: This is a shortcut.
SpongeBob: Oh, man. Wait up! You don't even have a net. (a net suddenly appears in his hand) Patrick!
SpongeBob: (gasps when he sees a whole swarm of jellyfish) Wow. Neptune's scepter, I don't believe this.
Patrick: Pretty cool, huh? (he's riding on top of some jellyfish)
SpongeBob: How'd you do that?
Patrick: I didn't. They did. They're friendly. (he pats one)
SpongeBob: Wow! (a jellyfish smiles and swims into his net) Oh, boy! You weren't kidding. (laughs and catches a whole swarm of jellyfish in his net) You're free to go, guys. (the jellyfish swim out)
(bubble transition shows SpongeBob and Patrick walking through town)
Patrick: Ice cream! (he runs to the cart)
SpongeBob: Oh, come on. I don't have time for this.
Patrick: (to ice cream vendor) Yeah, four scoops. (she hands him his ice cream)
SpongeBob: Patrick, have you forgotten I gotta go?
Patrick: Oh, don't be such a sourpuss. Here, I'll buy you a cone. (he hands over a dollar, and confetti rains down as the vendor plays a kazoo)
Vendor: (to SpongeBob) Congratulations. You're my 100th customer. From now on, you can come back and have all the free ice cream you want.
SpongeBob: (laughs)
(bubble transition to Goo Lagoon, where SpongeBob and Patrick are licking their ice cream. Patrick sticks his tooth in his last scoop, swallows it, shivers, and exhales icy breath, and SpongeBob does the same)
(they both eat their cones, and SpongeBob dusts his hands off)
SpongeBob: Well, this certainly has been a glorious day, but I'd better get back to class.
Patrick: (tries to say something, but it's mumbled because of the cone in his mouth)
SpongeBob: Oh-ho, you said it, buddy. (starts to leave)
Sandy: Where do you think you're going, Squarepants? You just got here.
SpongeBob: Oh, I'm sorry, Sandy, but I just gotta get back to class.
Sandy: Sure you can't stay for just a short spell, SpongeBob? I mean it's such a nice day and everyone's having a good time.
Group of fish: Hi, SpongeBob. (they wave)
SpongeBob: No. I gave Mrs. Puff my word, and I shall not betray her.
Sandy: Not even for a game of badminton with me and Dale here?
SpongeBob: Okay, maybe just one game.
(bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick playing badminton against Sandy and Dale)
Sandy: I'm servin' it up, SpongeBob. Ready or not. (she hits the birdy)
SpongeBob: Patrick, you remember how to play this game?
Patrick: (mumbles, "I don't know")
SpongeBob: Is this the one where the lowest score wins? (as he's talking, his net accidentally hits the birdy across the net)
Sandy: (tries to catch it, but misses) Nice job, SpongeBob. Your serve.
SpongeBob: Here it comes! (he tries to serve with his net, but misses, falls over, and kicks it across the net with his shoe, which Sandy and Dale miss again)
SpongeBob: Hey, I'm getting pretty good at this game.
(Patrick serves the birdy to Sandy, who hits it through Patrick's head)
(SpongeBob cringes as the birdy comes near him again, and inadvertently hits it again)
Fish #1: He's about to beat the undefeated Sandy Cheeks at her own game.
(crowd of fish cheer SpongeBob on)
(SpongeBob plays a few more times, managing to hit it with his net each time, and wins)
Crowd of fish: Yay!
SpongeBob: Well, I had better be off now.
Crowd of fish: No!
Fish #1: Don't go, SpongeBob. Think about your fans.
SpongeBob: Well, if it's for the fans, I guess I could play just one game more.
Police Fish: Not today, yellow. You're playing with a convicted felon. And we know he's violated his parole somehow. You might as well confess, Dale.
Dale: Hey, man. I haven't done nothing.
Police Fish: Oh, yeah? What have you got in there? (reaches into Dale's pocket, and pulls out a bag of candy) Hmm, Quasi-Gummy Chewy Candy Fish.
Police Fish: Is this how you have fun? By eating your own kind? Scum like you make me sick. Cuff him.
(Police Fish #2 does so, and leads Dale to the squad car)
Fish #1: It's a shame what happened to Dale. We were classmates back in boating school. He was a good student, until he started cutting class. Ever since then, he's lived the lonely life of a criminal.
SpongeBob: C-c-c-c-criminal?! (he pulls down his eyelids in fear, and they go back to normal) I gotta get back to class! (he runs, but on the ceiling) I can't be a ditcher!
(as he's running, he's accidentally used as a volleyball, and is run over by a guy on skates)
SpongeBob: (gets back up and starts running again) Almost there. Just have to get past the-(stops short) Bikini Bottom Hug Fest?
Woman Fish: Aw, does someone need a hug?
SpongeBob: No, no, no, not right now, please. (she scoops him up into a hug)
Woman Fish: Don't fight the love, kid.
SpongeBob: Miss, if you don't let me go right now, I'm gonna have to turn into a criminal. (jumps out of her arms)
Woman Fish: (gasps) That sounded like a threat.
Man Fish: I am so sorry. (they hug each other)
SpongeBob: (rolls off of a cliff and lands into black goo, where bubbles and a skull come up) The Tar Pits?
SpongeBob: (screams and waves his arms) Help, I'm sinking! Well, I guess this is the end, Squarepants. But like the old saying goes: Better to end up sinking into a prehistoric lake of tar, than to turn to a life of crime.
SpongeBob: (as he's sinking) Good bye, world. Good bye, Mrs. Puff. I'll always cherish those last kind words that you said to me.
(thought bubble shows Mrs. Puff saying, "Make sure you return this bathroom key to my desk or you're in big trouble, mister.")
(SpongeBob goes completely under, and then his arm holding the key emerges, and then his whole body)
SpongeBob: Oh! I never returned Mrs. Puff's bathroom key!
(as he crawls out of the tar pits, a group of fish cheer him on)
(he struggles onto a cliff, and runs back to the school)
SpongeBob: (checks his watch) I made it! And a minute before the final bell. I am home free. (he turns and smacks right into Mrs. Puff)
SpongeBob: Mrs. Puff. Please forgive me, I'm really sorry! I don't know what happened! Everything just got away from me! (tearfully) I brought back your bathroom key, though.
Mrs. Puff: I haven't the foggiest idea what you're carrying on about, SpongeBob. But I don't have time for it. (the two police fish from earlier appear behind her and handcuff her) I've got my own problems.
Mrs. Puff: Johnny Law finally caught up to me for ditching jury duty.
Mrs. Puff: (as the police fish put her in the squad car) Let this be a lesson to you, son: Never ditch. (the police fish slam the back door of the squad car)
SpongeBob: Okay, Mrs. Puff. I'll never ditch again!
Mrs. Puff: That's a good boy, SpongeBob. Good-again?! What do you mean, again?!
(the squad car drives off)