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The Splinter

(Opens with a shot of SpongeBob, Squidward and Mr Krabs stood outside the Krusty Krab. Krabs is unlocking the door.)
SpongeBob: (Looking at his watch) Seven … six … five … four … three … two … wooooow! Open for business!
Squidward: Yah, woo. (He goes inside)
SpongeBob: (Excitedly) Oh Mr Krabs, can I do it today, can I, can I do it?
Mr Krabs: I suppose you can have the honor today, lad.
(SpongeBob goes inside and flips the sign to "open". He steps on Squidward's head and punts though the serving hatch into the kitchen. He whips a spatula from his sock, uses it to unlock his pants and take out the ingredients stored there.)
SpongeBob: Freshness, check! Buns, check! Fresh patties! (He launches his spatula into the freezer and it returns with a pile of frozen patties.) Check. Oh, silly me, I'm forgetting one more minor detail. (He holds his breath and squeezes his hat through one of his pores.) Oh, yeah. Is it getting hot in here? Or is it just you? (He leans over the grill and his eyelashes burn. A bell rings and he takes an order slip from the serving hatch and reads it aloud.) 2 krabby patties, PS SpongeBob you're an idiot. Love, Squidward. Oh, love you too, Squiddy! 2 Krabby patties coming right up! Whoa. (He accidentally throws his spatula in the air and it gets stuck in the ceiling.)
(Cut to scene of SpongeBob balanced on a pile of boxes trying to reach his spatula.)
SpongeBob: Gotcha! (He grabs it and pulls.) This thing is stuck pretty good. (He pulls it out but falls from the pile of boxes toward a bunch of swords stuck upright in mayonnaise.) I guess this is it. (He closes his eyes. The spatula catches on a sword on the way down and he slides to safety.) You really saved me! (He looks at the spatula then takes a step forward and slips on mayonnaise. He falls in slow motion and gets a splinter in his thumb.) Hey, a splinter! OK, well it's been nice knowing you but you have got to go … now. (He tries to pull it out.) OK, out we go. Oh, that kinda hurts. Come on. Oh, that really hurts. Aw, barnacles this hurts! Conch shelled manatees, this is painful! (He tries to pry it out with his spatula.) OK, you're tough, you're smart, and you are charming. But you are still no match for me! Look, a bald eagle with a moustache! (He turns his thumb and tries to bite the splinter. His face tears off his body.) OK, fine, stay, but I hope you like making Krabby Patties.
(Cut to a costumer ordering at the register.)
Customer: Excuse me, sir, but, um, I ordered a couple of Krabby Patties a while ago and I'm wondering when they'll be out.
Squidward: (Looks between his feet and pretends to crush the customer's head in his hand.) Ha! Looks like I'm crushing your face.
Customer: So will they be ready soon?
Squidward: Yeah yeah yeah, don't move to much, it ruins it.
(Back in the kitchen, SpongeBob tries to pick up his spatula with his splinter hand).
SpongeBob. Ow. Ow. Ow. (Points to splinter) You're making this a little bit difficult. Luckily, I am ambidextrous. (He ties the spatula to his nose and uses it to cook patties.) Perfection. (He puts the plates on the order window and rings the bell in time to the background music.)
Squidward: I hear you, I hear you!
SpongeBob: (Leans through the order window and pokes Squidward in the eyes with his nose-spatula.) OK, good, because these two Krabby Patties are ready!
Squidward: (Bursts angrily into the kitchen) SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes?
Squidward: Can I ask you something?
SpongeBob: Yes.
Squidward: What's that? (Points to the spatula on his nose)
SpongeBob: What's what?
Squidward: You know. (He twangs the spatula)
SpongeBob: Know what?
Squidward: This.
SpongeBob: What?
Squidward: This thing here.
SpongeBob: What thing where?
Squidward: The spatula TIED TO YOUR NOSE!
SpongeBob: Ahahah, this! Well, you see, this got stuck up there so I stacked stuff and I climbed up to reach it, I reached it, grabbed it, I got it, but then I fell, I screamed, I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and – Squidward. Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, see, and I couldn't hold my spatula with my hand so I used my nose, makes sense now, right?
Squidward: (Sarcastically) Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit. (He walks away)
SpongeBob: (Laughing) Good one, Squiddy!
Squidward: Grrr … injury. Your brain is injured! (He stops walking and smiles deviously) Wait a minute. Did you say you got that splinter injury at work?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: Oh, that's not good.
SpongeBob: I know, it hurts so bad.
Squidward: When Mr Krabs finds out … oh man.
SpongeBob: Finds out what?
Squidward: Finds out about this injury.
SpongeBob: You mean my splinter?
Squidward: He'll be forced to send you home.
SpongeBob: (Worried) Home? But I'm fine!
Squidward: (Takes SpongeBob's hat and spatula) Here, let me take this for you.
SpongeBob: Why? Hey wait, I'm fine!
Squidward: (Walking toward the bathroom) It was a good shift while it lasted.
SpongeBob: While it lasted? What are you doing? (Squidward flushes the hat and spatula) W-w-w-why are you-?
Squidward: I know it's hard to say goodbye.
SpongeBob: But Squidward, I'm fine. (Dancing) I'm fine, I'm OK, look at me, nothing's wrong, see, see – (He ties toilet paper over his splinter) See, see!
Squidward: Oh I believe you, SpongeBob, but unfortunately the rules clearly state that you must be sent home.
SpongeBob: No, anything but that! (He grabs hold of Squidward) Please, Squidward, you can't let this happen! (Cries) You can't let them force me away!
Squidward: Sorry, the rules are the rules. (He walks back into the kitchen, dragging SpongeBob behind him) Yeah, it'll be pretty quiet around here with Mr Krabs sending you home early and all. I just hope we'll make it though the whole rest of this day without you here.
SpongeBob: Please, Squidward, don't tell Mr Krabs!
Squidward: What, me, tell Mr Krabs? Oh, no! No, no, no no no (repeats). No. (SpongeBob sighs with relief) Well, maybe. I don't have to tell Mr Krabs, because he already knows. (Squidward puts pillows over his eyes and SpongeBob screams; the force of it blows Squidward out of the door and into the kitchen)
SpongeBob: He does?
Squidward: Oh yeah. Krabs has preternatural instincts when it comes to situations like this. It's almost as if, when something's amiss in his restaurant, he can smell it.
(Cut to Krabs crawling along the Krusty Krab floor, sniffing out coins in customer's pockets)
Mr Krabs: These quarters smell sad. You're not planning on getting a refill with 'em, are ya?
Customer #2: No, I wasn't. (He leaves)
SpongeBob: (Gasps) You're right, Squidward. I need help!
(Cut to SpongeBob dialing the phone)
SpongeBob: Please pick up, please pick up, please pick up … (Patrick picks up but says nothing) Patrick?
Patrick: Yeah?
SpongeBob: Thank goodness you're there, I got a splinter in my thumb and -
Patrick: Mmmhm. I see. Well, I'm pretty booked today, but I think I can fit you in.
(Cut to SpongeBob walking outside where Patrick is waiting in the dumpster)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick.
Patrick: No problem. (He dives into the dumpster and reappears dressed like a doctor) You called the right person, Mr SpongeBob. Now, let's see where the problem's at. (He picks up SpongeBob's leg and examines it) Hmm. Interesting.
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick?
Patrick: (Puts SpongeBob's foot in his mouth) Hmm. Interesting.
SpongeBob: Patrick? Patrick, this isn't helping!
Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were a doctor.
SpongeBob: I'm not.
Patrick: Oh, but I'm sure you can figure it out with your 12 years of med school.
SpongeBob: Patrick, you didn't got to med school.
Patrick: So?
SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm sorry, I really need your help!
Patrick: Oh no no, it looks like you have things under control.
SpongeBob: Please, Patrick, I don't wanna go home early! (Starts to cry)
Patrick: OK, but we play by my rules, SquareBob. (SpongeBob nods)
(Cut to Patrick examining the splinter with a magnifier)
Patrick: Well here's your problem. But don't you worry, buddy, we're gonna make it go away. (He pulls out a mallet and a steak of wood)
SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick, you're a lifesaver. (Patrick hammers the wood into the splinter) Oowwww! (It swells)
Patrick: There appears to be a little bit of swelling. This garbage compress should help that go down. (He puts garbage on the splinter and it becomes infected) That doesn't look good but my shift is over. Call me in the morning if you can still dial a phone. (He walks away)
(SpongeBob sneaks back into the kitchen and sighs, then gasps when he sees Squidward and Krabs waiting for him)
Mr Krabs: What's that?
SpongeBob: (Hiding his hand behind his back) What's what?
Mr Krabs: Behind your back.
SpongeBob: You mean … this? (He pulls out his hand, which has a Krusty Krab hat hiding the infected thumb)
Mr Krabs: Put your hat on, boy, show some company pride!
SpongeBob: (Puts his hat one) Company pride, of course.
Mr Krabs: Uh, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: (Sweating) Yes?
Mr Krabs: Have you always had three legs?
SpongeBob: (Disguising his splinter hand as an extra leg) Yes.
Mr Krabs: Interesting. Well, what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about? (SpongeBob gasps) All right, boy, let's see it. (SpongeBob whimpers) Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter! I mean how back could it – (SpongeBob show his splinter) Oh, merciful Neptune! (Squidward faints) OK. No problem. No problem. (He removes the splinter and is showered with confetti) Problem sol – (The splinter showers him in green liquid, then returns to normal) Phew. For a second there I thought I was going to have to pay you workman's comp-ersation!
SpongeBob: What's workman's compensation?
Mr Krabs: You know. When you get paid for sitting at home.
Squidward: You mean I can get paid while I'm at home?
Mr Krabs: Yeah, what do you think comp-ersation stands for? (Squidward hits himself with the cash register) Uh … Squidward?
Squidward: I get my comp-ersation now?
Mr Krabs: Nope, sorry Squidward, your shift ended two minutes ago.
End