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Pat No Pay

Episode Info | Pictures
Typed By: sireatsalot

(Open in the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is at the register which is empty and full of cobwebs.)
Mr. Krabs: Yeesh, we need some customers in here.
(Patrick comes through front doors.)
Patrick: (stumbling to the register) Uh, mmph...duh.
Mr. Krabs: What's gotten into you?
Patrick: Oooh...Oh no! (stomach rumbles) What's happening to me?!
SpongeBob: (coming out of the kitchen) I think I can explain. (studying Patrick's belly) Yes, I've seen this one before. It's a common symptom. Patrick is suffering from krabby patty withdrawal. (turning to Mr. Krabs) He needs one, or he'll keep mumbling about it for the next three and a half minutes.
Mr. Krabs: Oooh! He needs one, eh? (to the cash register) Me thinks a payin' customer is in our midst! (grabbing Patrick) Patrick! How's a krabby patty with extra cheese sound?
Patrick: Gimme!!
Mr. Krabs: Not yet, first I have to no-o...can ya pay for it?
Patrick: (drooling) Uh, yeah, I can pay for it.
Mr. Krabs: Good boy!
(Mr. Krabs tosses the patty onto the top of a patty pyramid, we see Patrick proceed to vacuum them into his mouth, finishing every last one.)
Patrick: (now about four times his normal size and painfully full) Uuhh...
French Narrator: Ten seconds later...
(Patrick is seen lying on the floor, stomach huge, sleeping.)
Mr. Krabs: My good man, how ya doin'?
(Patrick mumbles something unintelligible.)
Mr. Krabs: (holding up a bill) Excellent. Now, let's get down to business.
Patrick: What's that?
Mr. Krabs: It's your bill.
Patrick: I don't have any money!
Mr. Krabs: What?! I thought you said you could pay fer it?
Patrick: Ooohh, I'm payin' for it, alright. (burps)
Mr. Krabs: NON-PAYIN' CUSTOMER!!! (alarms go off)
Patrick: Huh?!
Mr. Krabs: (grabbing Patrick by the head) You're gonna pay, one way or another.

(Cut to Krusty Krab bathroom.)
Mr. Krabs: Alright, Patrick, if you're not gonna pay for your food with money, you're gonna pay with hard, physical labor! I want ya ta swab the latrine. I'll be back in a while ta check up on ya. (mumbling under his breath) Bottom feeding imbecile.
Patrick: No problem! (pushes mop still in bucket around the floor) Oh la la, la la. Work, work, work, work...
(Mr. Krabs pops in.)
Mr. Krabs: So, Patrick, how are ya...(gasps, Patrick is seen on the floor, a large swirl of green stuff on his belly, and it's also oozing from his mouth) What in blazes did you do?!
Patrick: I accidentally tried the hand soap. (scoops some off his belly and eats it) It doesn't taste as good as it smells.
(Mr. Krabs shoves Patrick into the kitchen.)
Mr. Krabs: See these ice cube trays? I want you to put ‘em in that bucket.
Patrick: How do I do it?
Mr. Krabs: Figure it out.
Patrick: Duuuhh...I have to be very gentle. (picks up entire freezer and slams it into the bucket, breaking both into pieces)
Mr. Krabs: (hearing the noise from outside the kitchen) What the? (rushes into kitchen) What are ya doing?!
Patrick: (making an ice cube sculpture) Almost done, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: You've destroyed me refrigerator! (sobbing and picking up some ice cubes) You've destroyed many of the things I love. I've got another job that even a nimrod like you couldn't mess up!

(Cut to a room full of trash bags and a trash disposer machine.)
Mr. Krabs: Alls ye gotta do is throw all these trash bags down the trash chute, like so. (throws in a bag to demonstrate) See?
Patrick: Yup.
Mr. Krabs: Good, because if ya mess this up, you'll never eat another krabby patty again!
Patrick: AAAHH!!! Uh, huh...hurry, hurry, hurry! (rapidly tosses all the bags into the chute)
Mr. Krabs: (in his office with SpongeBob) Here, boy. Take this sack o' loot and put ‘er in me safe.
SpongeBob: Okey-dokey, Mr. Krabs! (He whistles as he walks away, when he comes to the Trash Room, he stops when he hears Patrick's commotion.) Huh?
Patrick: Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry! (stuffs last bag into the overflowing machine)
SpongeBob: Patrick? What's up, buddy?
Patrick: I have to get rid of this trash but it won't go down!
SpongeBob: (laughs) That's because you didn't hit the trash compactor switch.
(SpongeBob switches it to "on", all the bags get shredded.)
Patrick: (gasps) SpongeBob, you're a genius! (spies the money bag SpongeBob is holding) Oh no, there's one left!
SpongeBob: Patrick, that's not a...(Patrick tosses it in the chute) trash bag. (It gets stuck in the hole, Patrick freaks out.)
Patrick: Ooh! Why won't you go down?! (switches it on and off several times)
Mr. Krabs: (coming in the door) Well, well, let's see how the poor boy's doin'. (the machine is bouncing around, about to burst) Well, did ya earn me money back yet, Patrick?
(We see it finally burst and the Krusty Krab explodes, as well. Mr. Krabs, SpongeBob, and Patrick are all lying on the ground where the Krusty Krab once stood, the machine falls next to them. They sit up to see the money bag fall into the mouth of the machine and get shredded into tiny pieces which land on top of Mr. Krabs.)
Patrick: (to Mr. Krabs) Can I eat now?
(Mr. Krabs just glares at him.)