Happy 25 years of SpongeBob! And it's also the first of a new month! Of course, you know what that means... 3 NEW SPONGEBOB SHORTS by me! Starting today, we're turning up the heat! Over the next few months, these shorts are going to get longer and more interesting. I'll still make them funny, but at the same time, I kind of want to change up the humor style a little bit, and you might notice this in today's shorts. I'll also be introducing more of my own characters into these shorts. Also, if you want to check out all 39 of my shorts, click this link HERE to view the ultimate collection!
In the shorts, Patrick Star gets accused of a terrible crime, Mr. Krabs gets the ultimate test of patience, and Patrick takes a journey into the scariest place in the world... the FURNITURE DEPARTMENT. (Yes, it's even scarier than the perfume department. You'll soon find out why.)
Now, I'll quit lollygagging around, let's get right into the fun!
37. A Star is Busted!
with Patrick
special guest: Officer Slugfish
ONE DARK AND RAINY NIGHT…
[The camera shows the Bikini Bottom Police Station, and it zooms inside the building and into a dark room]
CLICK
[A light suddenly turns on, and we see Patrick sitting in a chair with a shocked expression]
Patrick: GAAAAAH! The light! It's blinding me! Make it stop! Please, make it stop!
[Patrick closes his eyes and covers them with his arms, when a mysterious shadow starts to approach him]
Patrick: Please! I'm begging you! Don't hurt me! DON'T HURT ME!
Mysterious Shadow (in a low voice): Relax, Mr. Star. You know what you did. Now it's time to pay the price. Heh heh…
[The mysterious shadow steps into the light, revealing himself to be Officer Slugfish]
Officer Slugfish: Good evening, Mr. Star.
Patrick: Where am I? Why am I here?
[Officer Slugfish sits down across the table from Patrick and grabs a clipboard and pencil]
Officer Slugfish: Mr. Star, I am not here to hurt you. You are not in trouble. I am Officer Slugfish from the Bikini Bottom Police, and I am simply going to interrogate you.
Patrick: "Interrogate?" Does that mean you will kill me? Please, no! Have mercy!
Officer Slugfish: No, Mr. Star, you are thinking of "exterminate," which I would not do to you. All I am going to do is ask you a few simple questions.
Patrick: Questions? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Patrick starts to cry and covers his eyes again]
[Officer Slugfish slams his fist down on the table]
Officer Slugfish: No time for lollygagging, Mr. Star! Sit up!
[Patrick sits straight up in fear]
Officer Slugfish: So, Mr. Star, as you may know, a horrific incident occurred last Thursday evening at the Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat. A surveillance camera recorded an unidentified perpetrator walking up to the Goofy Goober mascot and pulling its pants off. Before the authorities could apprehend the suspect, he ran out of the back door of the restaurant while screaming and wearing the Goofy Goober mascot's pants on his face. You have been suspected as a potential wrongdoer of this heinous, devious crime. Tell me, Mr. Star, where were you last Thursday night?
[Patrick looks around uneasily while Officer Slugfish glares at him, waiting for an answer]
Patrick (sweating nervously): I… uh… I plead the third!
Officer Slugfish: It's "I plead the fifth," Mr. Star. I bet you don't even know what that means.
[Officer Slugfish squints his eyes at Patrick in suspicion, and Patrick shakes his head]
Officer Slugfish: Now… I want you to tell me the truth. Where were you last Thursday evening? And do not even let the thought of lying cross your mind! We always catch the liars… our trusty lie detector here senses everything.
[Officer Slugfish points to a machine behind him, which actually is a coffee maker with a paper taped to it saying "Lie Detector"]
Patrick (sweating nervously): I… I… I was at my house the entire night! Watching TV and eating canned coral! I didn't go anywhere!
Officer Slugfish: Mm hmm. Then, Mr. Star, how do you explain this?
[Officer Slugfish holds up a crumpled-up piece of paper and shoves it in Patrick's face]
Officer Slugfish: This here's a Goofy Goober's receipt that our officers recovered from the scene on that fateful Thursday evening. It says your name here at the top… "Patrick Star…" and that you ordered a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise with three scoops of extra sprinkles. Wow, you are surely a glutton. *clears throat* But look down here…
[Officer Slugfish points to the bottom of the receipt]
Officer Slugfish: It says that you made your order at 6:46 PM, which is the same exact time as the incident took place. Mr. Star, do you have anything to say about this?
Patrick (sweating even more now): That… That wasn't me! That was my identical twin… he's also… also named Patrick!
Officer Slugfish: Mm hmm, so, you have an identical twin. I never knew about that. Here, let me head on over to the other room and find his birth certificate. And if it turns out he's not real and that you've been lying this entire time… well, there's a spot in the ol' slammer waiting for you.
[Patrick realizes that it is over for him now and his eyes suddenly shrink in fear]
Officer Slugfish: Is there something you want to say, Mr. Star? I'm waiting.
[Patrick starts to hyperventilate and profusely sweat, when he finally breaks down]
Patrick (screaming): THAT'S IT! I ADMIT IT! I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH! I was the one that pulled the pants off the Goofy Goober! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
[Officer Slugfish starts writing down Patrick's words as the starfish starts to cry]
Patrick: It was just that they gave me two scoops of extra sprinkles and not three scoops! And that just made me feel so mad! I felt cheated on! So I just had to take my anger out on the Goofy Goober… Once again, I'm really sorry! I feel terrible! I never should've done it! I never should've ran away! I should've just accepted my two scoops of extra sprinkles! BUT I DIDN'T!!
[Patrick collapses out of his chair and rolls around on the floor of the interrogation room while crying]
Officer Slugfish (writing down Patrick's words): Well, Mr. Star, that's all the evidence we need. Follow me. It's time for your mugshot.
[Patrick continues crying as he follows Officer Slugfish out of the interrogation room and into another room]
Patrick (crying): I'm sorry! I'm sorry, officer! I'm sorry, Goofy Goober! I'm sorry, Mom and Dad! I REALLY AM!
[Patrick makes his way up to the mugshot wall as he is handed a metal plaque on it that says
"P. STAR, BIKINI BOTTOM JAIL"]
CLICK
[Officer Slugfish takes a mugshot of Patrick, puts handcuffs on him, and drags him down the hall, all while Patrick is still crying]
Patrick (crying): So… officer… How long will I be serving? Please! Not a life sentence! This starfish has so much more to live for! I'm begging you!
Officer Slugfish: Oh, heh heh. No need to worry, Inmate #665321. It won't be that long. You'll be sentenced to… one day in jail.
Patrick (crying so loud the police station shakes): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Patrick screams and cries as he gets stuffed into the back of a police car]
[As the police car drives away, Patrick's screams and cries grow fainter and fainter until nothing is heard… but the sound of thunder and rain.]
THE END
[P.S. Patrick made it out of jail. But let's just say it wasn't a fun time for him.]
--
38. Much Ado About Krabbing
with Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob
[It's a quiet day at the Krusty Krab, and Fred the fish is seen sitting at a table and waiting for his food]
SLAM
[The door to the kitchen swings open, revealing SpongeBob holding a tray with a Krabby Patty and coral bits]
SpongeBob (excitedly): Order up! One Krabby Patty and medium coral bits, served hot and ready to go!
[Fred raises his fin and SpongeBob walks up to his table]
SpongeBob (placing the tray down): Alright, Fred! You've been our first customer every day for the past three months! What makes you come here so early every day?
Fred: I finally got a divorce!
SpongeBob: That's awesome, Fred! Keep it up, and we'll give you a one cent discount the next time you come! Now… enjoy your meal!
Fred: You too!
[Fred realizes what he had just said to SpongeBob and smacks himself]
SpongeBob (walking away): Now… What's even a "divorce," anyway?
[SpongeBob stops when he hears Mr. Krabs's voice over the loudspeaker]
Mr. Krabs (through the loudspeaker): Attention, Krusty Krew! Please report to me office immediately!
SpongeBob: Yes sir, Mr. Krabs!
[SpongeBob pretends to salute and runs into Mr. Krabs's office]
[Meanwhile, Squidward is seen climbing out of the register boat in frustration]
Squidward (muttering): Out of all the times… that crab wants me in his office… it's always when I'm trying to take a well-deserved nap!
[Squidward puts his Krusty Krab hat back on and walks to Mr. Krabs's office, when…
THUD
[Squidward slips on a puddle of grease and falls over, and Fred giggles and points at him]
Squidward (getting back up): You didn't see that. Jerk.
[Fred continues giggling as Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs's office]
INSIDE MR. KRABS'S OFFICE…
[SpongeBob and Squidward are both seen facing Mr. Krabs, who is looking at both of them sternly with his claws clasped together]
Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Mr. SpongeBob. Good morning, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Bad morning to you, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Both of you are probably wondering why I called you to me office on this quiet morning. But this isn't an ordinary quiet morning. Today I have some very exciting things to discuss with both of you.
Squidward: What? Are you finally going to give me a raise?
Mr. Krabs: Actually, Mr. Squidward, I'm going to cut your salary by a dollar, starting tomorrow.
[Squidward makes a very goofy frown and quietly says curse words to Mr. Krabs under his breath]
Mr. Krabs (raising his eyebrow): Mr. Squidward, did you just call me a "bottom-feeding barnacle licker?"
Squidward (nervously): No… uhh… I didn't! I totally didn't! I called you a… uhh… "very kind and generous boss!" Now, let's get going, okay?
Mr. Krabs: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. Your pay cut is not the point of today's meeting anyway. Are there any more questions from you two before I get to my very special announcement?
[SpongeBob raises his hand]
Mr. Krabs: What's the matter, SpongeBob? And don't ask me for a raise, because you're not getting one either.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's a "divorce?"
Mr. Krabs: Don't ask me about that, boyo! It brings me back to some bad times. Alright, enough lollygagging around. Can I finally tell both of you something very, very important?
[SpongeBob raises his hand again, causing Mr. Krabs to shake his head in disappointment]
Mr. Krabs (getting impatient): Now what could this be, SpongeBob? Is it any more important than what I am about to tell you right now?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, before you make your announcement, I just wanted to let you know that we're out of mayonnaise.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, you've told me this like a thousand times this week already! Yes! I know! We are out of mayonnaise! And I've told you a thousand times that I will buy another shipment of mayonnaise next week! Now, can I finally tell you what I've been waiting to tell you this ENTIRE TI–
SpongeBob (interrupting): Mr. Krabs, I should also mention that we're also all out of salt and pepper. And sea tomatoes. And seahorse radish. And the deep fryer is broken. And the grease trap is full. And the refrigerator feels hot. And all the floorboards are creaking. And all of the plates are chipped. And all of the pickle jar lids are missing. And all of the bathroom lights are burnt out. And all of the switches on the grill fell off. And there's a swarm of highly aggressive sea urchins living in the cupboards. One of them even bit my finger off. I gotta say, Mr. Krabs, those things have nasty bites. It really hur–
[Mr. Krabs finally loses his patience and raises both claws in the air]
Mr. Krabs (at the top of his lungs): AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! CAN YOU JUST LET ME FINISH TALKING??
[Mr. Krabs pants and sweats in exasperation]
SpongeBob: Sure, Mr. Krabs. Now that I've told you everything that I need to tell you, I will let you finish.
Mr. Krabs: Really? Are you really going to let me talk about my super special and very exciting announcement that I've waited this entire time to tell you about?
SpongeBob (nodding): Of course, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: That's great! Because all this time, I just wanted to tell the two of you that it's my birthday!
[Squidward and SpongeBob stare at Mr. Krabs for an awkward moment]
SpongeBob: Oh… well, happy birthday, Mr. Krabs! Now what's the special announcement that you've been so excited to tell us?
Mr. Krabs: That… that was it! I just wanted to let the two of you know that it's my birthday!
[Crickets are heard chirping as SpongeBob and Squidward stand there in silence]
[more silence]
[even more silence]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, let me get this straight. You called me and SpongeBob into your office and wasted my precious time just so you can tell me it's your birthday? Come on, Mr. Krabs! I could've spent that time sleeping!
SpongeBob: And I could've spent that time cooking Krabby Patties! I feel my spatula calling me to come back again…
[A faint whistle of "SpongeBob, come back!" can be heard in the distance]
Mr. Krabs (nervously sweating): So… by the way… Did you two give me any birthday gifts? Any money… perchance?
[SpongeBob and Squidward continue staring at Mr. Krabs unimpressed]
Squidward: That's it. I'm going back to my nap.
[Squidward turns around and leaves the office as SpongeBob continues awkwardly staring at Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm also going back to my work. And you can't just say perchance.
[SpongeBob turns around and leaves the office as well, leaving Mr. Krabs by himself in the office]
[SpongeBob suddenly appears again at the office door]
SpongeBob: Oh Mr. Krabs, and by the way, you should really watch out for those sea urchins. I'm pretty sure I saw one crawling through the air ducts a few days ago.
[SpongeBob walks away from the office]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. I guess I shouldn't have made my birthday sound that important.
[Suddenly, a sea urchin falls down from an air duct above Mr. Krabs and it lands down on his desk with a loud SMACK]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello Mr. Sea Urchin! Did you know that it's my birthday?
[The sea urchin bites Mr. Krabs's claw]
Mr. Krabs: YEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHH!! SPONGEBOB!!
[SpongeBob hears Mr. Krabs screaming from the kitchen]
SpongeBob: Well, I couldn't say that I didn't warn 'em!
[SpongeBob goes back to flipping patties on the grill as Mr. Krabs continues screaming]
THE END
--
39. All's Chair in Love and War
with Patrick
special guest: Salesfish Rob
ONE MORNING…
French Narrator: Ahhh, a new day in the peaceful waters of Bikini Bottom. Today, we're going to see another lazy day in the life of Patrick Star. Let's go and see what he's up to, shall we?
[The camera goes onto Patrick's rock, and he is seen getting ready for breakfast]
[Patrick gets a can of coral and picks up his sand TV remote]
Patrick: Alright! Canned coral and TV! My two favorite things in the world! Besides sleeping and Krabby Patties, of course.
[Patrick turns on his sand TV, where an episode of SCUBA: Super Cool Ultimate Blobfish Army! starts to play]
Patrick: Now, time to sit down and watch some good ol' blobfish action!
[Patrick is about to sit down on his sand chair, when…
FWOOMP!
[Patrick's sand chair suddenly disintegrates, and Patrick's falls over backwards]
Patrick: OW! Barnacles!
[Patrick gets back up, scratches his butt, and turns around, only to see that his sand chair is nothing more than a pile of sand]
Patrick: Not again! That's the third time this week that my chair randomly broke!
[Patrick gets out of his rock and raises a fat fist towards the sky]
Patrick: Hey! Chair gods! Stop messing with me! ANSWER ME!
ZAP!
[Patrick suddenly gets shocked by lightning for disrespecting the Chair Gods]
Patrick (burnt): Now… What should I do?
[A lightbulb lights up atop Patrick's head]
Patrick: Aha! I know what to do… and I might not like it…
[The camera dramatically zooms on Patrick's face]
Patrick: It must be time for me to go into the deepest and darkest depths of the ocean… The scariest, most creepiest place known to fishkind… The place where pure evil lies! Why… that place… is none other… than THE FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.
[dramatic sounding music]
SOME TIME LATER…
[Patrick is now in the Bikini Bottom Mall, where he is facing the Furniture Department]
Patrick: Chair Gods, give this starfish strength. It is time! Time for me to conquer… THE FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.
[dramatic sounding music again as Patrick enters the store]
[Instantly, a furniture salesfish goes up to Patrick and starts vigorously shaking his hand]
Salesfish Rob (talking fast and shaking Patrick's hand): Good morning, valued customer! How are you doing? You're doing well? That's amazing! Nice to have you here. My name is Rob. Not because I, as a salefish, want to rob you of your money, but because it's my actual name! Anyway, how can we help you today! Do you want to take a look at the couches? Or perhaps the tables? Or the beds? Just tell me and I will be happy to assist you! By the way, we're having a 1% sale on all dining sets, a buy one get none free deal on all living room tables, and many more sales that we just have to tell you! And by the way, if you buy from our store, you will get five hours of warranty on your product! That easily beats out all of the competitors! And should I introduce you to our rewards program? If you sign up today, you will get 0.0005% cash back on all purchases of $100,000 or more! Isn't that such a great deal? I know, right? Also, valued customer, if you are dissatisfied with your order, you have a thirty-day money back guarantee! That's the fairest deal out there! Oh, and by the way, should I mention about–
Patrick (being shook): P-p-please l-l-let g-go o-o-of m-m-m-me s-s-sir.
Salefish Rob: Sure, valued customer! So, need help with anything?
Patrick: Uh, yeah… So, my armchair broke, and I want to get a new–
Salesfish Rob: I'm on it, valued customer! Follow me!
ZOOM
[The salesfish grabs Patrick's arm again, starts sprinting, and yanks him all the way down the aisles until they reach the chair section]
Salesfish Rob (pointing to all the chairs): Here they are, valued customer! Our chair collection! Feel free to try as many as you want!
Patrick: Thank you, kind sir!
[Patrick goes up the first armchair, which is a fancy blue and gold chair]
Patrick (sitting down): This one looks nice!
BONK
[The chair cushion is so hard, Patrick's butt breaks when he sits down on it]
Patrick: OW!! My butt! What is this chair even made of?
Salesfish Rob: The cushions are filled with rocks. But not just any rocks! They're special, very rare rocks fresh from the Mariana Trench! You can get it now for only $4,999! And it's on sale too! Normally it would be $7,999!
[Patrick looks and sees that his butt has broken and fallen off]
Patrick: Well I'm not buying it! Is there anything… softer?
Salesfish Rob (pointing to another chair): Then you should try this one over there!
[Patrick goes up to a second chair, which is a red and white armchair]
Patrick (sitting down): This one looks nice. And it looks familiar too. I think my friend has this model!
Salesfish Rob: That's cool! And by the way, this one's also on sale for the amazing low price of $5,999!
FWOOMP!
[The chair is so soft, Patrick falls inside the center of the chair cushion]
Patrick (stuck in the chair): Help me! HELP! I'm stuck!
[Salesfish Rob runs up to Patrick and pulls him out of the chair]
Salesfish Rob: So, did you like it? You looked comfy in there!
Patrick: No! I'll suffocate inside the chair cushions! It's too soft!
Salesfish Rob: Well, then I guess you'll just have to keep looking around 'til you find one that fits!
[Patrick looks around, and sees that there are rows and rows of chairs all around him]
Patrick: Huh– there's so many choices here! Which chair is best?
Salesfish Rob (with an evil smile): I don't know! How about you go and try out all of them?
Patrick: I guess that's the only option I have! I don't have anything better to do, anyway. Wait…
[Patrick notices something at the far end of the store]
Salesfish Rob: What is it? Have you found the perfect chair? Are you finally going to give us money? Please! Tell me! Which one is it!
[Patrick points all the way to the end of the aisle…
…where there's just a pile of sand on the ground]
Salesfish Rob: Uh, valued customer, you're pointing to a pile of sand.
Patrick: Yes! Yes! That pile of sand is going to be my new chair!
Salesfish Rob: Sorry, but that's not for sale. It's for our ongoing renovations to our store.
Patrick (disappointed): But why? It's perfect chair material! Sand is soft but not too soft, and it's hard but not too hard!
Salesfish Rob: I'd love to sell it to you so I can touch your delicious money, but–
[Patrick suddenly pulls out a briefcase and pulls out ten thousand dollars]
Patrick (with a stack of 10,000 dollars in his hand): Then will this be enough to change your mind? All the money in my hand, for this awesome pile of sand?
[Salesfish Rob's eyes are about to explode seeing all that money, and he jumps around and dances happily]
Salesfish Rob (crazy): YES!! YES!! TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS? OF COURSE!! FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID, THAT SAND IS ALL YOURS! ALL YOURS! OH, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! GO AND TAKE IT!! NO NEED FOR PAPERWORK OR TAXES OR ANY OF THAT STUPID LEGAL STUFF!! I'LL TAKE THE MONEY, YOU TAKE THE SAND! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!
[Patrick hands Salesfish Rob all 10,000 dollars]
Salesfish Rob: OH MY CHAIR GODS… ALL THIS MONEY IN MY FINS… MY DEED AS A SCUMMY FURNITURE SALESFISH HAS BEEN FULFILLED!! YES!! I HAVE DONE IT!! I HAVE D–
BOOM
[Salesfish Rob spontaneously combusts from all the happiness inside of him]
Patrick (waving to Salesfish Rob's ashes): Well thank you, kind sir. Nice doing business with you!
[Patrick goes down the aisle, scoops up all the sand, puts it into his pants, and walks out of the store]
BACK AT HOME…
[Patrick is back in his rock, and he empties out all the sand from his pants and into the floor]
Patrick: Now that was some ten thousand dollars well spent! Time for me to make my perfect chair!
[Patrick starts sculpting his new armchair out of the pile of sand, creating a dust cloud]
[After the dust cloud disappears, Patrick's new sand armchair is complete, which looks exactly the same as his old one]
Patrick: There we go. Another amazing sand armchair! Now, back to my two favorite things in the world– some canned coral and some super cool ultimate blobfish!
[Patrick sits down on the new sand chair, makes himself comfortable, and starts watching TV]
Patrick (laughing): Ahh, this is the best chair I ever had! Looks like this sea star's gonna have a happy day!
[Patrick continues eating coral bits while he laughs]
THE END
--
And I hope you enjoyed this set of SpongeBob shorts! Stay tuned for Part 14, which may or may not come out June 1st, 2024. I have been busy with schoolwork recently, but I do have a few completed SB shorts that I could release next month. As for right now, the shorts for next time will be titled "Million Dollar Dimwits", "Airport Insecurity", and "Bogan Meets Pearl". Thank you for reading, and have a spongy day!
In the shorts, Patrick Star gets accused of a terrible crime, Mr. Krabs gets the ultimate test of patience, and Patrick takes a journey into the scariest place in the world... the FURNITURE DEPARTMENT. (Yes, it's even scarier than the perfume department. You'll soon find out why.)
Now, I'll quit lollygagging around, let's get right into the fun!
37. A Star is Busted!
with Patrick
special guest: Officer Slugfish
ONE DARK AND RAINY NIGHT…
[The camera shows the Bikini Bottom Police Station, and it zooms inside the building and into a dark room]
CLICK
[A light suddenly turns on, and we see Patrick sitting in a chair with a shocked expression]
Patrick: GAAAAAH! The light! It's blinding me! Make it stop! Please, make it stop!
[Patrick closes his eyes and covers them with his arms, when a mysterious shadow starts to approach him]
Patrick: Please! I'm begging you! Don't hurt me! DON'T HURT ME!
Mysterious Shadow (in a low voice): Relax, Mr. Star. You know what you did. Now it's time to pay the price. Heh heh…
[The mysterious shadow steps into the light, revealing himself to be Officer Slugfish]
Officer Slugfish: Good evening, Mr. Star.
Patrick: Where am I? Why am I here?
[Officer Slugfish sits down across the table from Patrick and grabs a clipboard and pencil]
Officer Slugfish: Mr. Star, I am not here to hurt you. You are not in trouble. I am Officer Slugfish from the Bikini Bottom Police, and I am simply going to interrogate you.
Patrick: "Interrogate?" Does that mean you will kill me? Please, no! Have mercy!
Officer Slugfish: No, Mr. Star, you are thinking of "exterminate," which I would not do to you. All I am going to do is ask you a few simple questions.
Patrick: Questions? NOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Patrick starts to cry and covers his eyes again]
[Officer Slugfish slams his fist down on the table]
Officer Slugfish: No time for lollygagging, Mr. Star! Sit up!
[Patrick sits straight up in fear]
Officer Slugfish: So, Mr. Star, as you may know, a horrific incident occurred last Thursday evening at the Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat. A surveillance camera recorded an unidentified perpetrator walking up to the Goofy Goober mascot and pulling its pants off. Before the authorities could apprehend the suspect, he ran out of the back door of the restaurant while screaming and wearing the Goofy Goober mascot's pants on his face. You have been suspected as a potential wrongdoer of this heinous, devious crime. Tell me, Mr. Star, where were you last Thursday night?
[Patrick looks around uneasily while Officer Slugfish glares at him, waiting for an answer]
Patrick (sweating nervously): I… uh… I plead the third!
Officer Slugfish: It's "I plead the fifth," Mr. Star. I bet you don't even know what that means.
[Officer Slugfish squints his eyes at Patrick in suspicion, and Patrick shakes his head]
Officer Slugfish: Now… I want you to tell me the truth. Where were you last Thursday evening? And do not even let the thought of lying cross your mind! We always catch the liars… our trusty lie detector here senses everything.
[Officer Slugfish points to a machine behind him, which actually is a coffee maker with a paper taped to it saying "Lie Detector"]
Patrick (sweating nervously): I… I… I was at my house the entire night! Watching TV and eating canned coral! I didn't go anywhere!
Officer Slugfish: Mm hmm. Then, Mr. Star, how do you explain this?
[Officer Slugfish holds up a crumpled-up piece of paper and shoves it in Patrick's face]
Officer Slugfish: This here's a Goofy Goober's receipt that our officers recovered from the scene on that fateful Thursday evening. It says your name here at the top… "Patrick Star…" and that you ordered a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise with three scoops of extra sprinkles. Wow, you are surely a glutton. *clears throat* But look down here…
[Officer Slugfish points to the bottom of the receipt]
Officer Slugfish: It says that you made your order at 6:46 PM, which is the same exact time as the incident took place. Mr. Star, do you have anything to say about this?
Patrick (sweating even more now): That… That wasn't me! That was my identical twin… he's also… also named Patrick!
Officer Slugfish: Mm hmm, so, you have an identical twin. I never knew about that. Here, let me head on over to the other room and find his birth certificate. And if it turns out he's not real and that you've been lying this entire time… well, there's a spot in the ol' slammer waiting for you.
[Patrick realizes that it is over for him now and his eyes suddenly shrink in fear]
Officer Slugfish: Is there something you want to say, Mr. Star? I'm waiting.
[Patrick starts to hyperventilate and profusely sweat, when he finally breaks down]
Patrick (screaming): THAT'S IT! I ADMIT IT! I'LL TELL YOU THE TRUTH! I was the one that pulled the pants off the Goofy Goober! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!
[Officer Slugfish starts writing down Patrick's words as the starfish starts to cry]
Patrick: It was just that they gave me two scoops of extra sprinkles and not three scoops! And that just made me feel so mad! I felt cheated on! So I just had to take my anger out on the Goofy Goober… Once again, I'm really sorry! I feel terrible! I never should've done it! I never should've ran away! I should've just accepted my two scoops of extra sprinkles! BUT I DIDN'T!!
[Patrick collapses out of his chair and rolls around on the floor of the interrogation room while crying]
Officer Slugfish (writing down Patrick's words): Well, Mr. Star, that's all the evidence we need. Follow me. It's time for your mugshot.
[Patrick continues crying as he follows Officer Slugfish out of the interrogation room and into another room]
Patrick (crying): I'm sorry! I'm sorry, officer! I'm sorry, Goofy Goober! I'm sorry, Mom and Dad! I REALLY AM!
[Patrick makes his way up to the mugshot wall as he is handed a metal plaque on it that says
"P. STAR, BIKINI BOTTOM JAIL"]
CLICK
[Officer Slugfish takes a mugshot of Patrick, puts handcuffs on him, and drags him down the hall, all while Patrick is still crying]
Patrick (crying): So… officer… How long will I be serving? Please! Not a life sentence! This starfish has so much more to live for! I'm begging you!
Officer Slugfish: Oh, heh heh. No need to worry, Inmate #665321. It won't be that long. You'll be sentenced to… one day in jail.
Patrick (crying so loud the police station shakes): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
[Patrick screams and cries as he gets stuffed into the back of a police car]
[As the police car drives away, Patrick's screams and cries grow fainter and fainter until nothing is heard… but the sound of thunder and rain.]
THE END
[P.S. Patrick made it out of jail. But let's just say it wasn't a fun time for him.]
--
38. Much Ado About Krabbing
with Mr. Krabs, Squidward, and SpongeBob
[It's a quiet day at the Krusty Krab, and Fred the fish is seen sitting at a table and waiting for his food]
SLAM
[The door to the kitchen swings open, revealing SpongeBob holding a tray with a Krabby Patty and coral bits]
SpongeBob (excitedly): Order up! One Krabby Patty and medium coral bits, served hot and ready to go!
[Fred raises his fin and SpongeBob walks up to his table]
SpongeBob (placing the tray down): Alright, Fred! You've been our first customer every day for the past three months! What makes you come here so early every day?
Fred: I finally got a divorce!
SpongeBob: That's awesome, Fred! Keep it up, and we'll give you a one cent discount the next time you come! Now… enjoy your meal!
Fred: You too!
[Fred realizes what he had just said to SpongeBob and smacks himself]
SpongeBob (walking away): Now… What's even a "divorce," anyway?
[SpongeBob stops when he hears Mr. Krabs's voice over the loudspeaker]
Mr. Krabs (through the loudspeaker): Attention, Krusty Krew! Please report to me office immediately!
SpongeBob: Yes sir, Mr. Krabs!
[SpongeBob pretends to salute and runs into Mr. Krabs's office]
[Meanwhile, Squidward is seen climbing out of the register boat in frustration]
Squidward (muttering): Out of all the times… that crab wants me in his office… it's always when I'm trying to take a well-deserved nap!
[Squidward puts his Krusty Krab hat back on and walks to Mr. Krabs's office, when…
THUD
[Squidward slips on a puddle of grease and falls over, and Fred giggles and points at him]
Squidward (getting back up): You didn't see that. Jerk.
[Fred continues giggling as Squidward goes into Mr. Krabs's office]
INSIDE MR. KRABS'S OFFICE…
[SpongeBob and Squidward are both seen facing Mr. Krabs, who is looking at both of them sternly with his claws clasped together]
Mr. Krabs: Good morning, Mr. SpongeBob. Good morning, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Bad morning to you, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Both of you are probably wondering why I called you to me office on this quiet morning. But this isn't an ordinary quiet morning. Today I have some very exciting things to discuss with both of you.
Squidward: What? Are you finally going to give me a raise?
Mr. Krabs: Actually, Mr. Squidward, I'm going to cut your salary by a dollar, starting tomorrow.
[Squidward makes a very goofy frown and quietly says curse words to Mr. Krabs under his breath]
Mr. Krabs (raising his eyebrow): Mr. Squidward, did you just call me a "bottom-feeding barnacle licker?"
Squidward (nervously): No… uhh… I didn't! I totally didn't! I called you a… uhh… "very kind and generous boss!" Now, let's get going, okay?
Mr. Krabs: Why, thank you, Mr. Squidward. Your pay cut is not the point of today's meeting anyway. Are there any more questions from you two before I get to my very special announcement?
[SpongeBob raises his hand]
Mr. Krabs: What's the matter, SpongeBob? And don't ask me for a raise, because you're not getting one either.
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's a "divorce?"
Mr. Krabs: Don't ask me about that, boyo! It brings me back to some bad times. Alright, enough lollygagging around. Can I finally tell both of you something very, very important?
[SpongeBob raises his hand again, causing Mr. Krabs to shake his head in disappointment]
Mr. Krabs (getting impatient): Now what could this be, SpongeBob? Is it any more important than what I am about to tell you right now?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, before you make your announcement, I just wanted to let you know that we're out of mayonnaise.
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, me boy, you've told me this like a thousand times this week already! Yes! I know! We are out of mayonnaise! And I've told you a thousand times that I will buy another shipment of mayonnaise next week! Now, can I finally tell you what I've been waiting to tell you this ENTIRE TI–
SpongeBob (interrupting): Mr. Krabs, I should also mention that we're also all out of salt and pepper. And sea tomatoes. And seahorse radish. And the deep fryer is broken. And the grease trap is full. And the refrigerator feels hot. And all the floorboards are creaking. And all of the plates are chipped. And all of the pickle jar lids are missing. And all of the bathroom lights are burnt out. And all of the switches on the grill fell off. And there's a swarm of highly aggressive sea urchins living in the cupboards. One of them even bit my finger off. I gotta say, Mr. Krabs, those things have nasty bites. It really hur–
[Mr. Krabs finally loses his patience and raises both claws in the air]
Mr. Krabs (at the top of his lungs): AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! CAN YOU JUST LET ME FINISH TALKING??
[Mr. Krabs pants and sweats in exasperation]
SpongeBob: Sure, Mr. Krabs. Now that I've told you everything that I need to tell you, I will let you finish.
Mr. Krabs: Really? Are you really going to let me talk about my super special and very exciting announcement that I've waited this entire time to tell you about?
SpongeBob (nodding): Of course, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: That's great! Because all this time, I just wanted to tell the two of you that it's my birthday!
[Squidward and SpongeBob stare at Mr. Krabs for an awkward moment]
SpongeBob: Oh… well, happy birthday, Mr. Krabs! Now what's the special announcement that you've been so excited to tell us?
Mr. Krabs: That… that was it! I just wanted to let the two of you know that it's my birthday!
[Crickets are heard chirping as SpongeBob and Squidward stand there in silence]
[more silence]
[even more silence]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, let me get this straight. You called me and SpongeBob into your office and wasted my precious time just so you can tell me it's your birthday? Come on, Mr. Krabs! I could've spent that time sleeping!
SpongeBob: And I could've spent that time cooking Krabby Patties! I feel my spatula calling me to come back again…
[A faint whistle of "SpongeBob, come back!" can be heard in the distance]
Mr. Krabs (nervously sweating): So… by the way… Did you two give me any birthday gifts? Any money… perchance?
[SpongeBob and Squidward continue staring at Mr. Krabs unimpressed]
Squidward: That's it. I'm going back to my nap.
[Squidward turns around and leaves the office as SpongeBob continues awkwardly staring at Mr. Krabs]
SpongeBob: Yeah, I'm also going back to my work. And you can't just say perchance.
[SpongeBob turns around and leaves the office as well, leaving Mr. Krabs by himself in the office]
[SpongeBob suddenly appears again at the office door]
SpongeBob: Oh Mr. Krabs, and by the way, you should really watch out for those sea urchins. I'm pretty sure I saw one crawling through the air ducts a few days ago.
[SpongeBob walks away from the office]
Mr. Krabs: Hmm. I guess I shouldn't have made my birthday sound that important.
[Suddenly, a sea urchin falls down from an air duct above Mr. Krabs and it lands down on his desk with a loud SMACK]
Mr. Krabs: Oh, hello Mr. Sea Urchin! Did you know that it's my birthday?
[The sea urchin bites Mr. Krabs's claw]
Mr. Krabs: YEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWCCCCHHHH!! SPONGEBOB!!
[SpongeBob hears Mr. Krabs screaming from the kitchen]
SpongeBob: Well, I couldn't say that I didn't warn 'em!
[SpongeBob goes back to flipping patties on the grill as Mr. Krabs continues screaming]
THE END
--
39. All's Chair in Love and War
with Patrick
special guest: Salesfish Rob
ONE MORNING…
French Narrator: Ahhh, a new day in the peaceful waters of Bikini Bottom. Today, we're going to see another lazy day in the life of Patrick Star. Let's go and see what he's up to, shall we?
[The camera goes onto Patrick's rock, and he is seen getting ready for breakfast]
[Patrick gets a can of coral and picks up his sand TV remote]
Patrick: Alright! Canned coral and TV! My two favorite things in the world! Besides sleeping and Krabby Patties, of course.
[Patrick turns on his sand TV, where an episode of SCUBA: Super Cool Ultimate Blobfish Army! starts to play]
Patrick: Now, time to sit down and watch some good ol' blobfish action!
[Patrick is about to sit down on his sand chair, when…
FWOOMP!
[Patrick's sand chair suddenly disintegrates, and Patrick's falls over backwards]
Patrick: OW! Barnacles!
[Patrick gets back up, scratches his butt, and turns around, only to see that his sand chair is nothing more than a pile of sand]
Patrick: Not again! That's the third time this week that my chair randomly broke!
[Patrick gets out of his rock and raises a fat fist towards the sky]
Patrick: Hey! Chair gods! Stop messing with me! ANSWER ME!
ZAP!
[Patrick suddenly gets shocked by lightning for disrespecting the Chair Gods]
Patrick (burnt): Now… What should I do?
[A lightbulb lights up atop Patrick's head]
Patrick: Aha! I know what to do… and I might not like it…
[The camera dramatically zooms on Patrick's face]
Patrick: It must be time for me to go into the deepest and darkest depths of the ocean… The scariest, most creepiest place known to fishkind… The place where pure evil lies! Why… that place… is none other… than THE FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.
[dramatic sounding music]
SOME TIME LATER…
[Patrick is now in the Bikini Bottom Mall, where he is facing the Furniture Department]
Patrick: Chair Gods, give this starfish strength. It is time! Time for me to conquer… THE FURNITURE DEPARTMENT.
[dramatic sounding music again as Patrick enters the store]
[Instantly, a furniture salesfish goes up to Patrick and starts vigorously shaking his hand]
Salesfish Rob (talking fast and shaking Patrick's hand): Good morning, valued customer! How are you doing? You're doing well? That's amazing! Nice to have you here. My name is Rob. Not because I, as a salefish, want to rob you of your money, but because it's my actual name! Anyway, how can we help you today! Do you want to take a look at the couches? Or perhaps the tables? Or the beds? Just tell me and I will be happy to assist you! By the way, we're having a 1% sale on all dining sets, a buy one get none free deal on all living room tables, and many more sales that we just have to tell you! And by the way, if you buy from our store, you will get five hours of warranty on your product! That easily beats out all of the competitors! And should I introduce you to our rewards program? If you sign up today, you will get 0.0005% cash back on all purchases of $100,000 or more! Isn't that such a great deal? I know, right? Also, valued customer, if you are dissatisfied with your order, you have a thirty-day money back guarantee! That's the fairest deal out there! Oh, and by the way, should I mention about–
Patrick (being shook): P-p-please l-l-let g-go o-o-of m-m-m-me s-s-sir.
Salefish Rob: Sure, valued customer! So, need help with anything?
Patrick: Uh, yeah… So, my armchair broke, and I want to get a new–
Salesfish Rob: I'm on it, valued customer! Follow me!
ZOOM
[The salesfish grabs Patrick's arm again, starts sprinting, and yanks him all the way down the aisles until they reach the chair section]
Salesfish Rob (pointing to all the chairs): Here they are, valued customer! Our chair collection! Feel free to try as many as you want!
Patrick: Thank you, kind sir!
[Patrick goes up the first armchair, which is a fancy blue and gold chair]
Patrick (sitting down): This one looks nice!
BONK
[The chair cushion is so hard, Patrick's butt breaks when he sits down on it]
Patrick: OW!! My butt! What is this chair even made of?
Salesfish Rob: The cushions are filled with rocks. But not just any rocks! They're special, very rare rocks fresh from the Mariana Trench! You can get it now for only $4,999! And it's on sale too! Normally it would be $7,999!
[Patrick looks and sees that his butt has broken and fallen off]
Patrick: Well I'm not buying it! Is there anything… softer?
Salesfish Rob (pointing to another chair): Then you should try this one over there!
[Patrick goes up to a second chair, which is a red and white armchair]
Patrick (sitting down): This one looks nice. And it looks familiar too. I think my friend has this model!
Salesfish Rob: That's cool! And by the way, this one's also on sale for the amazing low price of $5,999!
FWOOMP!
[The chair is so soft, Patrick falls inside the center of the chair cushion]
Patrick (stuck in the chair): Help me! HELP! I'm stuck!
[Salesfish Rob runs up to Patrick and pulls him out of the chair]
Salesfish Rob: So, did you like it? You looked comfy in there!
Patrick: No! I'll suffocate inside the chair cushions! It's too soft!
Salesfish Rob: Well, then I guess you'll just have to keep looking around 'til you find one that fits!
[Patrick looks around, and sees that there are rows and rows of chairs all around him]
Patrick: Huh– there's so many choices here! Which chair is best?
Salesfish Rob (with an evil smile): I don't know! How about you go and try out all of them?
Patrick: I guess that's the only option I have! I don't have anything better to do, anyway. Wait…
[Patrick notices something at the far end of the store]
Salesfish Rob: What is it? Have you found the perfect chair? Are you finally going to give us money? Please! Tell me! Which one is it!
[Patrick points all the way to the end of the aisle…
…where there's just a pile of sand on the ground]
Salesfish Rob: Uh, valued customer, you're pointing to a pile of sand.
Patrick: Yes! Yes! That pile of sand is going to be my new chair!
Salesfish Rob: Sorry, but that's not for sale. It's for our ongoing renovations to our store.
Patrick (disappointed): But why? It's perfect chair material! Sand is soft but not too soft, and it's hard but not too hard!
Salesfish Rob: I'd love to sell it to you so I can touch your delicious money, but–
[Patrick suddenly pulls out a briefcase and pulls out ten thousand dollars]
Patrick (with a stack of 10,000 dollars in his hand): Then will this be enough to change your mind? All the money in my hand, for this awesome pile of sand?
[Salesfish Rob's eyes are about to explode seeing all that money, and he jumps around and dances happily]
Salesfish Rob (crazy): YES!! YES!! TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS? OF COURSE!! FORGET ABOUT EVERYTHING I SAID, THAT SAND IS ALL YOURS! ALL YOURS! OH, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!! GO AND TAKE IT!! NO NEED FOR PAPERWORK OR TAXES OR ANY OF THAT STUPID LEGAL STUFF!! I'LL TAKE THE MONEY, YOU TAKE THE SAND! THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!
[Patrick hands Salesfish Rob all 10,000 dollars]
Salesfish Rob: OH MY CHAIR GODS… ALL THIS MONEY IN MY FINS… MY DEED AS A SCUMMY FURNITURE SALESFISH HAS BEEN FULFILLED!! YES!! I HAVE DONE IT!! I HAVE D–
BOOM
[Salesfish Rob spontaneously combusts from all the happiness inside of him]
Patrick (waving to Salesfish Rob's ashes): Well thank you, kind sir. Nice doing business with you!
[Patrick goes down the aisle, scoops up all the sand, puts it into his pants, and walks out of the store]
BACK AT HOME…
[Patrick is back in his rock, and he empties out all the sand from his pants and into the floor]
Patrick: Now that was some ten thousand dollars well spent! Time for me to make my perfect chair!
[Patrick starts sculpting his new armchair out of the pile of sand, creating a dust cloud]
[After the dust cloud disappears, Patrick's new sand armchair is complete, which looks exactly the same as his old one]
Patrick: There we go. Another amazing sand armchair! Now, back to my two favorite things in the world– some canned coral and some super cool ultimate blobfish!
[Patrick sits down on the new sand chair, makes himself comfortable, and starts watching TV]
Patrick (laughing): Ahh, this is the best chair I ever had! Looks like this sea star's gonna have a happy day!
[Patrick continues eating coral bits while he laughs]
THE END
--
And I hope you enjoyed this set of SpongeBob shorts! Stay tuned for Part 14, which may or may not come out June 1st, 2024. I have been busy with schoolwork recently, but I do have a few completed SB shorts that I could release next month. As for right now, the shorts for next time will be titled "Million Dollar Dimwits", "Airport Insecurity", and "Bogan Meets Pearl". Thank you for reading, and have a spongy day!
