iPlankton
The Original Single-Celled Organism
Born Again Krabs
[its approaching night at the Krusty Krab. Squid switches the Open sign to Closed.]
Squidward: Closing time: the happiest time of the day. [cut to Sponge in the kitchen sobbing]
Spongebob: Closing time: the saddest time of the day. [he falls to the ground sobbing] Huh? [he sees an old black patty under the filthy grill] Its a Krabby Patty. [Sponge goes to pick it up, but theres gum stuck under it] Ew Its cold and hard. [he takes the patty out] This could have rolled under there years ago. [he pats it] There, there, little one, your journey is almost over. [Sponge tosses the patty in the trash. A siren goes off and a fishing line goes in and hooks the patty. Krabs runs in]
Krabs: What happened?! [he gasps and runs up to the trash can] Someone tried to throw away a patty! [he takes it off the hook]
Machine: Pinch-o-matic has saved you 5.2 cents.
Spongebob: But, Mr. Krabs, I found that under the grill.
Krabs: And tomorrow a customer will find it under his bun. [he hands it to Sponge]
Spongebob: But its old and cold and so very full of mold.
Krabs: Youre not to make another patty until that one is sold! Understand? [cut to a screen with Pat, Squid, Sponge, and Krabs on all corners of the screen that reads]
Narrator: The next day.
Spongebob: Order up, Squidward. [he puts the tray with a burger on it on the ordering window]
Squidward: Hooray. [he takes it. He smells the aroma of it, and flips the top bun off, revealing the patty to be covered in slime and flies to be swarming around it] Uh Spongebob can I get one with less fog?
Spongebob: Sorry, Squidward, Mr. Krabs orders.
Squidward: Whatever. [he hands the tray to the customer] Here you are, sir, one Krabby Patty. [the customer sniffs it and back-flips out of the restaurant screaming. Cut to later, where Krabs, Squid, and Sponge stand by the door]
Krabs: I dont understand. We havent had a customer in weeks. I wonder if its the new place mats.
Squidward: What? [he stammers] Place mats? Have you lost your mind? Its that old patty you keep trying to sell to everybody! Its gone bad.
Krabs: Gone bad? Thats nonsense. Bring it here, Spongebob. [he picks up a cage with the patty inside it] Uh why is it in a cage?
Spongebob: Because it growled at me. [the patty starts jumping up, growling and barking. Squid hides behind Krabs]
Krabs: You two would have never have lasted in the navy. Lets see how bad you are. [he takes the patty out of the cage and it continues to growl and bark] No! No [it growls and barks still] Stay [he pops a little treat into the pattys mouth and it becomes calm] Thatta girl! [he pats it] There, there. See? Good enough to eat. [he brings it to his lips. Cut to an ambulance going by with its siren on. Krabs notices it] Oh, look. An ambulance. [it passes by] Now, then. [he bites into it. Cut to him, now all green, being rolled into the hospital on a cart, moaning] Spongebob? [Sponge walks beside him]
Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?
Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that patty, Im not finished with it yet! [hes rolled into the operating room. Cut to later, Krabs is in his hospital bed and the doctor fish talks to him]
Doctor: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite the scare.
Krabs: So Im gonna be OK, doc?
Doctor: Well, if you dont want to take my word for it, lets just check your chart. [he picks it up and looks at it] Lets see here. Hmm oh no. [he starts shuddering] Oh no! This is terrible! [he drops the clipboard]
Krabs: Everything OK, doc?
Doctor: Dont touch me! [he runs out screaming]
Krabs: Thats not a good sign. [thunder sounds and the room turns green. Evil laughter is heard, and then, the Flying Dutchman appears. Krabs pulls his covers over his head] Oh no! Its the Flying Dutchman!
Dutchman: Eugene Krabs, your time has come. [thunder sounds]
Krabs: Im not Eugene Krabs, Im, uh, Harold! Harold, uh [he looks over at the vase of flowers at the desk next to him] Flower!
Dutchman: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong room. [he floats out] Excuse me, nurse?
Nurse: [in hall] Yes?
Dutchman: [in hall] Im looking for Eugene Krabs.
Nurse: [in hall] Oh, hes in that room right there.
Dutchman: [in hall] No, thats Harold Flowers room.
Nurse: [in hall] Harold Flower? [the Dutchman flies in again and points at Krabs]
Dutchman: So, Krabs, you thought you could fool the Flying Dutchman?
Krabs: What do you want from me?
Dutchman: Im here to escort you to the resting place of all bad undersea folk [thunder sounds] Davy Jones locker!
Krabs: Davy Jones locker? Why do I have to go there? Im not a bad crab!
Dutchman: Ah, but you were cheap, and being cheap is a terrible thing. Next stop, [he grabs Krabs hand] Davy Jones locker! [he laughs and smoke fills the room as thunder sounds again. Cut to a cave where Jones locker is and the Dutchman and Krabs reappear] Here we are! [Krabs smells a foul aroma]
Krabs: Blecch! Why does it smell so foul?
Dutchman: Davy Hones works out a lot. [he opens the locker, revealing a pile of smelly socks] These are his socks. Get in! [Krabs gets on his knees sobbing]
Krabs: Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman! I dont want to go in there! Ill do anything! Please, give me another chance!
Dutchman: Come on, Krabs, show a little dignity.
Krabs: [still sobbing] Mommy!
Dutchman: Alright, alright, stop your crying. Ill give you another chance. But you must always be generous, never cheap.
Krabs: You have me word as a sailor. [smoke fills the room. Cut to the Krusty Krab, all broken down and dirty. A sign over the Krusty Krab sign reads, Out of Business. Squid looks through Krabs desk drawers]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs nose hair clippers. I could use these. [pan out to show Sponge with his hat and spatula on, teary eyed]
Spongebob: [sadly] Squidward, you shouldnt be going through Mr. Krabs belongings. [he sniffles] He wont like it!
Squidward: Spongebob, I told you what the doctor said: Mr. Krabs isnt coming back. [he attempts to open the safe] Now, keep quiet so I can hear the tumblers in his safe. [Krabs busts in]
Krabs: Hey boys! [Sponge screams, Squid turns around guilty]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! I knew it! Hes alive! [he jumps onto Krabs] Squidward, look, its Mr. Krabs! Isnt this too good to be true?
Squidward: Well, it was.
Krabs: You know, boys, being sick made me do a lot of thinking. My whole life has been about money. Saving money, collecting money, [obsessed] touching money [gets over himself] Well, you get the picture. But no more. Youre looking at the new, improved, non-cheap Mr. Krabs. [cut to the Krusty Krab exterior with a giant Grand Re-Opening sign on it and balloons, and signs reading Buy and Free in the window. Inside, we see business is booming as Krabs speaks over a megaphone] Welcome, all, welcome! [a kid walks by Krabs] Hello, little one. What you got there?
Kid: A Krabby Patty. [Krabs chuckles]
Krabs: Of course you do! You know what that means, right?
Kid: I dont go hungry?
Krabs: No, silly! It means: free toy! [he takes out a little purple person toy. The kid takes it]
Kid: Gee, thanks, Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a cheap old tightwad. [Krabs turns to face the camera]
Krabs: I was, son, I was. Free toys for everyone! And free refills! [everyone cheers. Krabs runs up to Sponge at the counter] Hello boy! Say, wheres Squidward?
Spongebob: Oh, hes taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the employee lounge. [we see in Krabs office is a bed that Squid is sleeping in]
Krabs: Great! [a woman runs up to him]
Woman: Excuse me, but I dropped my Krabby Patty. Could I get another one?
Krabs: Spongebob?
Spongebob: Yes sir. [he takes the patty and lifts the top bun, revealing a disclaimer written on the patty with ketchup] Krusty Krab policy clearly states that once the burger has reached the customer, it is his/her responsibility.
Krabs: Spongebob! [he puts down the top bun] Thats the old policy. Now run back and bring out a fresh one.
Spongebob: Aye, aye, sir. [he runs back to the kitchen. Krabs turns to the woman]
Krabs: Sorry about the confusion. [he pulls out another toy] Free toy? [the woman takes it. Squid walks up in nightgown and hat]
Squidward: Eugene, my man.
Krabs: Squidward! Hows the break coming?
Squidward: Should be over in a couple of hours. Have Spongebob send back a patty and an iced tea, will you? [he walks off]
Krabs: Sure thing, Squidward. Take it easy. [he walks up to a customer watching a movie on a TV] Are you enjoying your in-meal movie?
Customer: This movie hasnt even been in the theaters yet!
Krabs: No expense spared for my valued customers. [cut to Krabs and Sponge in the front of the restaurant] Look at all those happy faces. It sure does feel good to be generous. [Squid walks in with two envelopes]
Squidward: Heres your mail, Eugene.
Krabs: Thanks, Squidward. You look rested.
Squidward: Yeah, these naps at work are doing wonders for me. [Krabs takes the mail]
Krabs: Credit card bills. Well, I knew this was coming. [he opens the envelope and reads the statement] Only ten thousand dollars, thats not so bad. [Krabs runs up to the cash register] Ill just subtract it from todays profit. [he opens the register, revealing it to be empty] And theres no money in here. [he laughs] How delightful. [Squid and Sponge watch, worried]
Spongebob: Squidward, Im worried about Mr. Krabs.
Squidward: Me too, how are we going to get paid? [the two walk up to Krabs] Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
Krabs: Oh, its just a bad dream. Ill wake up soon. [Sponge and Squid exchange worried glances]
Squidward: Uh, dream?
Krabs: Sure. Im still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!
Spongebob: Um, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
Squidward: Heres the bill. [Squid gives the bill to Krabs]
Krabs: You mean Im awake?! [he screams and his head breaks right down the middle, but another takes its place. Then that one breaks down the middle, but another takes its place. He runs up to a guy drinking a soda and snatches it away from him] No free refills! [he brings it to the soda machine, and the drink floats back into it. Then he runs up to two kids playing with the toys and takes them] Give me back them toys, you freeloaders! [he runs over to the man watching the movie with a remote] Shows over, cheapskate! [he turns it off. Then he presses it again, and the entire memory of the movie simmers out of the man and back into the TV. Another guy finds a penny on the floor]
Guy: Hey, its my lucky day, a penny! [he reaches to grab it]
Krabs: Your luck just ran out! [he clenches the guys hand]
Guy: Hey man, ease back, youre crushing my arm.
Krabs: Unhand that penny, or the arm comes off. [lightning strikes and the Flying Dutchman appears again. The guy runs off]
Dutchman: Aha! That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones locker for eternity! [thunder sounds]
Krabs: Im not cheap! Im generous!
Squidward: You almost tore a mans arm off for a penny.
Krabs: Thanks, Squidward, I knew I could count on you. [the Dutchman picks up Krabs] Well, a deals a deal. Lets go. [the Dutchman floats off]
Spongebob: Wait just a burger-flipping second. [the Dutchman turns around and thunder sounds again]
Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?
Spongebob: That would be me: Spongebob Back-sass Pants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea.
Dutchman: Hed sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
Spongebob: Id bet my soul he wouldnt.
Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. OK, Krabs, Ill let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between Spongebob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
Krabs: That depends, how much money we talking about?
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs? [the Dutchman presents some change]
Dutchman: Sixty-two cents.
Krabs: Ill take the money.
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs?!
Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. Sixty-two cents. [he gives him the change and picks up Sponge] Next stop: Davy Jones locker! [Sponge screams and the Dutchman laughs evilly, as they both disappear]
Krabs: Look, Squidward, money!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I cant believe Im saying this, but how could you trade Spongebob for sixty-two cents?
Krabs: You think I couldve gotten more?
Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Krabs: Oh, what have I done? [he starts sobbing] I want another chance! I didnt learn anything! I lost me best fry cook! I dont want this foul money! [he throws the change to the ground] I want Spongebob back! [he continues sobbing. Then, the Dutchman reappears and drops Sponge to the floor]
Dutchman: Here, take him back.
Krabs: You heard what I said about the money?
Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldnt hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds [we see Sponge and the Dutchman at Davy Jones locker, Sponge talks excessively] and its jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! Hes your problem now. [he laughs evilly and disappears]
Krabs: Eh heh, about trading you for pocket change
Spongebob: Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing.
Krabs: You would have?
Spongebob: No. [the three laugh. Cut to later, the Dutchman is sitting reading a book when the phone rings. He answers it]
Dutchman: Dutchmans residence. [we see Sponge on the other line and he starts talking excessively. The Dutchman groans]
END
I Had An Accident
[at Sand Mountain, Pat goes screaming down hills on a shell, wearing a bucket on his head. He flies off a cliff, loses grip of the shell, and hits a mountain top. His head, arms, and legs fly off of him and he slides down the mountain. The word DEAD appears in red on the top of the screen and we hear a video game beeping sound. It is revealed that this was all a hand held video game Pat was playing while skiing down Sand Mountain]
Patrick: Oh I got dead again. This game stinks. [he trips over a rock and flies through the air screaming. He hits the same mountain and his head and appendages fly off again. Sponge and Sandy watch from the top of another mountain]
Sandy: See, thats why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
Spongebob: Im listening to you, mountain! [Sponge jumps on his shell and slides down the mountain. He passes Pat, who is stuck head first in the sand] Dont eat the yellow sand, Patrick. [we see a bit further down is Pats head sticking out of the sand holding a plate with light yellow sand and a spoon]
Patrick: Oh yeah, I forgot. [he eats the snow with his spoon anyway]
Spongebob: Hey Sandy, watch me do the Grouchy Squidward. [he slides by Squid, who is at a table drinking from a mug and wearing a ski cap]
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me! [Sponge goes down the hill, his eyes oval and his pupils rectangular, his nose large, his lips large, and with four legs, just like Squid]
Spongebob: [imitating Squid] Everybodys an idiot except for me.
Squidward: Well its true. [he takes a sip of his drink. Sponge laughs like Squid, and Pat and Sandy laugh. Sandy gasps and points]
Sandy: Spongebob! [we see a tree wearing an aquatic mask and oxygen tank] Look out for that tree!
Spongebob: Huh? [he swerves and avoids the tree, then flashes Pat and Sandy the thumbs up] Dont worry guys, everythings under control. Cause Im an expert! [hes sliding down and hits a log at the edge of a cliff and flies off spinning in mid-air. He stops abruptly when he sees a tree upside-down] Hmm, thats funny. Someone turned the mountain upside-down. [the camera turns 180 degrees to its normal state. Sponge plummets to the ground screaming]
Sandy: Spongebob, land on your bottom! Itll cushion the impact of the fall! [Sponge, who was falling headfirst, now turns around 180 degrees. He takes off his pants and goes into a sort-of sitting position]
Spongebob: Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Dont you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until four. [Sponge falls to the ground and we hear glass shatter. His entire lower half has broken into dozens of pieces. Pieces are strewn all over the place, and all over Pat and Sandy]
Sandy: Ow, thats gotta hurt.
Patrick: Do it again, I wasnt looking! [cut to the hospital, where the doctor fish has bandaged Sponges buttocks]
Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
Spongebob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butts all better. [he walks over to an x-ray] Its really quite amazing. [he flips the lights, making the x-ray visible. We see normal bone structure, but instead of regular hips, its Sponges square bottom. We see it cracked into many pieces but its taped back together] It took twenty hours to put it all back together. [he holds up a stapler] We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick. [he holds one up] Yep, youre a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck-boy. But from now on, Id like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there [he gestures to Tom, who has his buttocks enclosed in a giant iron lung, except with more gismos protruding from it] in the Iron Butt.
Tom: Oh man, it itches. [cut to Sponge, his bottom half still bandaged up, walking down the road from the hospital]
Spongebob: You heard the doctor, Spongebob, one more injury like that and its the Iron Butt! Ive been too careless back there. [he pats his bottom] From now on I am on round-the-clock butt patrol. [he salutes. Then he notices a man standing behind him. He circles around him, waving his arms in protection] Hey, step away from the backside, Im warning you.
Man: Whats your problem? [he walks off]
Spongebob: That was close! [a whistle goes off]
Football Player: Hey Spongebob! [we see him on a football field] Why dont you join us? We need an extra player? [another player runs over and catches the ball] Nice catch, Percy! [he slaps Percy on the rear. Sponge yelps. Another man walks up behind Sponge]
Man 2: Hey Spongebob! [Sponge turns and screams] Youve got to try this, dude! [we see a giant line of people with their legs open, and the man crawls on all fours] We finally got enough people for a seven-mile spanking machine! [he crawls through, and each person slaps him on the rear as he goes]
First Man in Line: Next! [Sponge runs off screaming. Squid walks up]
Squidward: Is this where the line starts? [Sponge runs into his house]
Spongebob: My butt is not safe out here! [he slams the door and stares out the window] No part of me is safe. [he pulls down the blinds on the window. Cut to Pat and Sandy riding down some small hills on a shell]
Patrick: Woo-hoo!!
Sandy: Yeah, ride em cowboy! [Pat laughs hysterically as the two run into Sponges front door. Sandy walks in giving Pat a piggyback ride] Hey Spongebob! [Pat is still laughing uproariously and Sandy gets peeved. Pat gets off her and eventually calms down]
Patrick: That was fun.
Sandy: Hey Spongebob, you ready to go sand-boarding again? Spongebob? [we see Sponge sitting in the middle of the room with only a penny, a potato chip, and a napkin next to him]
Spongebob: [deadpan] Hello friends. Enjoying the outside world?
Sandy: What yall doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?
Spongebob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that its dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. Im a survivor. And so Ive simply decided I am never leaving my house again.
Sandy: Thats crazy talk!
Patrick: Thats not crazy talk. THIS is crazy talk. [he starts slapping his tongue around jabbering mindlessly. Sandy gets fed up with this and pounds Pats head down into his torso] Sorry
Spongebob: No, Patricks right, Sandy. You saw what happened to me, and next time, it wont just be my butt, itll be my armpit or my forehead.
Patrick: Or your other armpit!
Spongebob: I was wrong to go against nature. Im a sponge, what was I thinking? Walking, my people are sedentary.
Sandy: Just sitting in your house? Aint you gonna get lonesome?
Spongebob: I wont be lonesome. Ive got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny. [he holds up the penny] And Chip. [he holds up the potato chip] And say hello to Used Napkin. [he holds up the napkin]
Sandy: Well, how are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
Spongebob: No problem. [he reaches up to a pole sticking out of the window and wiggles it a little. We follow the pole out the window and into the Krusty Krab. In the kitchen, we see the pole end at the grill, where it is actually a spatula. Sponge flips a patty over] A really long spatula.
Sandy: What about eating?
Spongebob: Im a sponge! Ill just filter-feed. [he breathes deeply a couple times]
Sandy: Spongebob, sooner or later, youre gonna have to go outside.
Spongebob: Listen, I told you that Im never leaving my house again!
Patrick: Never-ever?
Spongebob: Never-ever-ever.
Patrick: Never-never-ever-ever for never-ever?
Spongebob: Never-ever-never-never, ever-ever-never! [Pat starts sweating]
Patrick: Never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever?! [pan out to show a puddle of sweat at Pats feet]
Spongebob: [exasperated] Never-ever-never-ever [Pat starts sweating excessively again and says "never-ever over Sponge. Eventually, Sponge has had it] Alright, Patrick, that is enough! [he picks up Chip] Chip, would you mind showing these two to the door? [he throws the chip at the door, and it opens. Sandy walks out angrily and Pat follows]
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. [he shuts the door] I guess Ill have to find a new best friend. Hey Squidward! [Squid opens his window]
Squidward: No. [he shuts it]
Patrick: Aw.
Sandy: Dont worry, Patrick. Well get Sponge to come outside, and then hell see theres nothing to be afraid of. [Pat lifts up his hand, which now has a boxing glove on]
Patrick: And thats when I punch him, right? [Sandy isnt amused. Cut to later, Sandy and Pat are outside Sponges house with jellyfish nets surrounded by jellyfish]
Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad Spongebob is missing out on all the fun! [Pat nets one]
Patrick: I caught one! [he puts his face in the net, and emerges from it with the jellyfish latched to his face] Huh? [from inside the house, we hear loud zapping and Pat screaming]
Spongebob: Look at those fools risking their lives jellyfishing. My new hobby is much safer, isnt it, Chip? [he puts on his jellyfishing glasses] Dust collecting. [he takes out a very small net and waves it around. He looks in the net] I think I caught one!
Sandy: Weve got to try something else. [cut to Pat and Sandy walking to Sponges house holding a birthday cake]
Pat & Sandy: [singing] Three cheers on your birthday, Spongebob! Three cheers for you!
Sandy: Now, youve got to blow out the candles and make a wish.
Spongebob: I dont need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, lets sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors. [he starts singing] I know of a place where you never get harmed. A magical place with magical charms. Indoors, indoors, indoors! Take it away, Penny! [silence. Outside, Pat and Sandy look through the window. Pat starts to tear]
Patrick: That Penny has the most beautiful voice. [Sandy leans into the window]
Sandy: That is it, Squarepants! Were going to find something thats so dang fun that youll have to come outside! [cut to later, Sandy is outside the window jumping on a trampoline] Trampoline! [cut to Pat holding an ice cream cone]
Patrick: Ice cream! [cut to Sandy surfing]
Sandy: Underwater surfing! [cut to Pat holding two ice cream cones]
Patrick: Two ice creams. [cut to Sandy outside the window on a Ferris wheel]
Sandy: Ferris wheel. [cut to Pat still holding the two ice creams, but theyre starting to melt]
Patrick: Still two ice creams! [cut to Sandy holding open the jaws of a clam]
Sandy: Clam wrestling. [cut to Pat scrubbing the back of an old guy in a tub]
Patrick: Washing an old person. [Sandy walks up]
Sandy: Patrick, thats not fun.
Old Guy: It is for me! [Sandy and Pat look in the window to find Sponge filter-feeding again]
Sandy: Nothings working, Patrick.
Patrick: What do we do? [the old guy comes into view]
Old Guy: I say we take a bath.
Sandy: What will you get out of here? [cut to later. Sandy and Pat peek up from behind a shrubbery of shells near Sponges house. They go back and hide, and we see Pat is in a gorilla suit] Now remember, dont jump out until I give the signal.
Patrick: Right. [Sandy walks out and Pat zips up his suit. Sandy opens Sponges front door]
Sandy: Alright, Spongebob, you win. Stay inside forever. [she backs up a bit] Yours is truly the iron will. [she turns around] Now, Pat! [Pat jumps out in his suit jabbering and howling] Eek! A gorilla! Save me, Spongebob! [Pat continues running in place, blowing raspberries, and acting goofy]
Spongebob: OK guys, really. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows thats Patrick in the same costume he wore for Halloween last year. [Pat is still running in place and dancing]
Sandy: No, really! Youve got to come save me. [Pat walks over, holding an ice cream cone]
Patrick: Hey Sandy, whos your friend?
Sandy: But but youre supposed to be in the gorilla suit.
Gorilla: I am in the gorilla suit. [he unzips the costume, revealing he is Pat] I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
Sandy: If youre Patrick, then whos that? [the other Pat unzips his costume and reveals that he is an actual live-action gorilla. Sandy gasps] A real gorilla!
Spongebob: Huh? [the gorilla roars and bursts out of his Pat costume. Sandy and Pat scream. The gorilla grabs the two and shoves them in a live-action sack and swings them around and smashes them on the ground and such. Sponge screams in terror as the gorilla punches the bag, jumps on it, and smashes a chair on it] This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about! [he turns to his three items. We still see the gorilla beating on the bag outside] Well, they were asking for it. Its not like I didnt warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know theyre my two dearest friends in the whole world, but I told them I wasnt going outside no matter what. We can do without the name-calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin. I know, Chip, if it was me out there bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. [he stands up] And Ive got to do the same for them. If I dont come back, Chip, take good care of Gary. [he walks off. Gary crawls in and eats the potato chip] Well here I go from the safety of my home to the outside world. [he gulps and reaches for the door. His entire body is shaking as the door rattles and opens. Sponge looks out nervously] Im taking my first step. [he steps outside] So far so good. [he continues tiptoeing] I think I can do this! [a piece of paper flies into his face and he screams] Oh, dear Neptune! Get off of me! [we see Squid watering his plant, trying to ignore Sponge] Get off of me! Chip, help me, help me! [he gasps and pulls the paper off of him, panting] Im still alive. I did it! I made it outside! Nothing can stop me now! [the gorilla picks him up and puts him over his head] Is it too late to go back inside yet? [the gorilla rips him in two. His two parts now speak separately. His left side speaks now] Its too late. [the gorilla shrieks] Patrick? Sandy?
Pat & Sandy: [from sack] Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: [left side] Im sorry I caused all this. Im not scared of going outside anymore. But Im terrified of gorillas now.
Sandy: [from sack] Thats OK, Spongebob, us too.
Spongebob: [left side] You know what I dont understand, though? [right side] What? [left side] Whats a gorilla doing underwater in the first place? [the gorilla snorts]
Gorilla: [normal voice] Uh, well its funny you should I mean, you see, the George, theyre onto us! [a man in a spotted horse outfit runs up]
Horse: Lets get out of here. [the gorilla gets on the horse and rides off into the sunset. Sandy, Pat, and Sponges two halves watch them go as The End appears on the screen. Pan out to reveal this was being watched on TV by a mother, father, and two kids. They all stare in confusion. The mother and father look at each other, the father gives a look of disapproval and turns the episode off with his remote]
END
[its approaching night at the Krusty Krab. Squid switches the Open sign to Closed.]
Squidward: Closing time: the happiest time of the day. [cut to Sponge in the kitchen sobbing]
Spongebob: Closing time: the saddest time of the day. [he falls to the ground sobbing] Huh? [he sees an old black patty under the filthy grill] Its a Krabby Patty. [Sponge goes to pick it up, but theres gum stuck under it] Ew Its cold and hard. [he takes the patty out] This could have rolled under there years ago. [he pats it] There, there, little one, your journey is almost over. [Sponge tosses the patty in the trash. A siren goes off and a fishing line goes in and hooks the patty. Krabs runs in]
Krabs: What happened?! [he gasps and runs up to the trash can] Someone tried to throw away a patty! [he takes it off the hook]
Machine: Pinch-o-matic has saved you 5.2 cents.
Spongebob: But, Mr. Krabs, I found that under the grill.
Krabs: And tomorrow a customer will find it under his bun. [he hands it to Sponge]
Spongebob: But its old and cold and so very full of mold.
Krabs: Youre not to make another patty until that one is sold! Understand? [cut to a screen with Pat, Squid, Sponge, and Krabs on all corners of the screen that reads]
Narrator: The next day.
Spongebob: Order up, Squidward. [he puts the tray with a burger on it on the ordering window]
Squidward: Hooray. [he takes it. He smells the aroma of it, and flips the top bun off, revealing the patty to be covered in slime and flies to be swarming around it] Uh Spongebob can I get one with less fog?
Spongebob: Sorry, Squidward, Mr. Krabs orders.
Squidward: Whatever. [he hands the tray to the customer] Here you are, sir, one Krabby Patty. [the customer sniffs it and back-flips out of the restaurant screaming. Cut to later, where Krabs, Squid, and Sponge stand by the door]
Krabs: I dont understand. We havent had a customer in weeks. I wonder if its the new place mats.
Squidward: What? [he stammers] Place mats? Have you lost your mind? Its that old patty you keep trying to sell to everybody! Its gone bad.
Krabs: Gone bad? Thats nonsense. Bring it here, Spongebob. [he picks up a cage with the patty inside it] Uh why is it in a cage?
Spongebob: Because it growled at me. [the patty starts jumping up, growling and barking. Squid hides behind Krabs]
Krabs: You two would have never have lasted in the navy. Lets see how bad you are. [he takes the patty out of the cage and it continues to growl and bark] No! No [it growls and barks still] Stay [he pops a little treat into the pattys mouth and it becomes calm] Thatta girl! [he pats it] There, there. See? Good enough to eat. [he brings it to his lips. Cut to an ambulance going by with its siren on. Krabs notices it] Oh, look. An ambulance. [it passes by] Now, then. [he bites into it. Cut to him, now all green, being rolled into the hospital on a cart, moaning] Spongebob? [Sponge walks beside him]
Spongebob: Yes, Mr. Krabs?
Krabs: Make sure you wrap up that patty, Im not finished with it yet! [hes rolled into the operating room. Cut to later, Krabs is in his hospital bed and the doctor fish talks to him]
Doctor: Well, Mr. Krabs, you gave us quite the scare.
Krabs: So Im gonna be OK, doc?
Doctor: Well, if you dont want to take my word for it, lets just check your chart. [he picks it up and looks at it] Lets see here. Hmm oh no. [he starts shuddering] Oh no! This is terrible! [he drops the clipboard]
Krabs: Everything OK, doc?
Doctor: Dont touch me! [he runs out screaming]
Krabs: Thats not a good sign. [thunder sounds and the room turns green. Evil laughter is heard, and then, the Flying Dutchman appears. Krabs pulls his covers over his head] Oh no! Its the Flying Dutchman!
Dutchman: Eugene Krabs, your time has come. [thunder sounds]
Krabs: Im not Eugene Krabs, Im, uh, Harold! Harold, uh [he looks over at the vase of flowers at the desk next to him] Flower!
Dutchman: Oh, sorry. I must have the wrong room. [he floats out] Excuse me, nurse?
Nurse: [in hall] Yes?
Dutchman: [in hall] Im looking for Eugene Krabs.
Nurse: [in hall] Oh, hes in that room right there.
Dutchman: [in hall] No, thats Harold Flowers room.
Nurse: [in hall] Harold Flower? [the Dutchman flies in again and points at Krabs]
Dutchman: So, Krabs, you thought you could fool the Flying Dutchman?
Krabs: What do you want from me?
Dutchman: Im here to escort you to the resting place of all bad undersea folk [thunder sounds] Davy Jones locker!
Krabs: Davy Jones locker? Why do I have to go there? Im not a bad crab!
Dutchman: Ah, but you were cheap, and being cheap is a terrible thing. Next stop, [he grabs Krabs hand] Davy Jones locker! [he laughs and smoke fills the room as thunder sounds again. Cut to a cave where Jones locker is and the Dutchman and Krabs reappear] Here we are! [Krabs smells a foul aroma]
Krabs: Blecch! Why does it smell so foul?
Dutchman: Davy Hones works out a lot. [he opens the locker, revealing a pile of smelly socks] These are his socks. Get in! [Krabs gets on his knees sobbing]
Krabs: Oh, please, Mr. Dutchman! I dont want to go in there! Ill do anything! Please, give me another chance!
Dutchman: Come on, Krabs, show a little dignity.
Krabs: [still sobbing] Mommy!
Dutchman: Alright, alright, stop your crying. Ill give you another chance. But you must always be generous, never cheap.
Krabs: You have me word as a sailor. [smoke fills the room. Cut to the Krusty Krab, all broken down and dirty. A sign over the Krusty Krab sign reads, Out of Business. Squid looks through Krabs desk drawers]
Squidward: Mr. Krabs nose hair clippers. I could use these. [pan out to show Sponge with his hat and spatula on, teary eyed]
Spongebob: [sadly] Squidward, you shouldnt be going through Mr. Krabs belongings. [he sniffles] He wont like it!
Squidward: Spongebob, I told you what the doctor said: Mr. Krabs isnt coming back. [he attempts to open the safe] Now, keep quiet so I can hear the tumblers in his safe. [Krabs busts in]
Krabs: Hey boys! [Sponge screams, Squid turns around guilty]
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs! I knew it! Hes alive! [he jumps onto Krabs] Squidward, look, its Mr. Krabs! Isnt this too good to be true?
Squidward: Well, it was.
Krabs: You know, boys, being sick made me do a lot of thinking. My whole life has been about money. Saving money, collecting money, [obsessed] touching money [gets over himself] Well, you get the picture. But no more. Youre looking at the new, improved, non-cheap Mr. Krabs. [cut to the Krusty Krab exterior with a giant Grand Re-Opening sign on it and balloons, and signs reading Buy and Free in the window. Inside, we see business is booming as Krabs speaks over a megaphone] Welcome, all, welcome! [a kid walks by Krabs] Hello, little one. What you got there?
Kid: A Krabby Patty. [Krabs chuckles]
Krabs: Of course you do! You know what that means, right?
Kid: I dont go hungry?
Krabs: No, silly! It means: free toy! [he takes out a little purple person toy. The kid takes it]
Kid: Gee, thanks, Mr. Krabs. I thought you were a cheap old tightwad. [Krabs turns to face the camera]
Krabs: I was, son, I was. Free toys for everyone! And free refills! [everyone cheers. Krabs runs up to Sponge at the counter] Hello boy! Say, wheres Squidward?
Spongebob: Oh, hes taking one of those break things in your office, I mean, the employee lounge. [we see in Krabs office is a bed that Squid is sleeping in]
Krabs: Great! [a woman runs up to him]
Woman: Excuse me, but I dropped my Krabby Patty. Could I get another one?
Krabs: Spongebob?
Spongebob: Yes sir. [he takes the patty and lifts the top bun, revealing a disclaimer written on the patty with ketchup] Krusty Krab policy clearly states that once the burger has reached the customer, it is his/her responsibility.
Krabs: Spongebob! [he puts down the top bun] Thats the old policy. Now run back and bring out a fresh one.
Spongebob: Aye, aye, sir. [he runs back to the kitchen. Krabs turns to the woman]
Krabs: Sorry about the confusion. [he pulls out another toy] Free toy? [the woman takes it. Squid walks up in nightgown and hat]
Squidward: Eugene, my man.
Krabs: Squidward! Hows the break coming?
Squidward: Should be over in a couple of hours. Have Spongebob send back a patty and an iced tea, will you? [he walks off]
Krabs: Sure thing, Squidward. Take it easy. [he walks up to a customer watching a movie on a TV] Are you enjoying your in-meal movie?
Customer: This movie hasnt even been in the theaters yet!
Krabs: No expense spared for my valued customers. [cut to Krabs and Sponge in the front of the restaurant] Look at all those happy faces. It sure does feel good to be generous. [Squid walks in with two envelopes]
Squidward: Heres your mail, Eugene.
Krabs: Thanks, Squidward. You look rested.
Squidward: Yeah, these naps at work are doing wonders for me. [Krabs takes the mail]
Krabs: Credit card bills. Well, I knew this was coming. [he opens the envelope and reads the statement] Only ten thousand dollars, thats not so bad. [Krabs runs up to the cash register] Ill just subtract it from todays profit. [he opens the register, revealing it to be empty] And theres no money in here. [he laughs] How delightful. [Squid and Sponge watch, worried]
Spongebob: Squidward, Im worried about Mr. Krabs.
Squidward: Me too, how are we going to get paid? [the two walk up to Krabs] Gee, Mr. Krabs, you sure are taking total bankruptcy well.
Krabs: Oh, its just a bad dream. Ill wake up soon. [Sponge and Squid exchange worried glances]
Squidward: Uh, dream?
Krabs: Sure. Im still in the hospital sleeping like a baby!
Spongebob: Um, you checked out of the hospital this morning.
Squidward: Heres the bill. [Squid gives the bill to Krabs]
Krabs: You mean Im awake?! [he screams and his head breaks right down the middle, but another takes its place. Then that one breaks down the middle, but another takes its place. He runs up to a guy drinking a soda and snatches it away from him] No free refills! [he brings it to the soda machine, and the drink floats back into it. Then he runs up to two kids playing with the toys and takes them] Give me back them toys, you freeloaders! [he runs over to the man watching the movie with a remote] Shows over, cheapskate! [he turns it off. Then he presses it again, and the entire memory of the movie simmers out of the man and back into the TV. Another guy finds a penny on the floor]
Guy: Hey, its my lucky day, a penny! [he reaches to grab it]
Krabs: Your luck just ran out! [he clenches the guys hand]
Guy: Hey man, ease back, youre crushing my arm.
Krabs: Unhand that penny, or the arm comes off. [lightning strikes and the Flying Dutchman appears again. The guy runs off]
Dutchman: Aha! That little display of parsimonious penny pinching just earned you a nice little spot in Davy Jones locker for eternity! [thunder sounds]
Krabs: Im not cheap! Im generous!
Squidward: You almost tore a mans arm off for a penny.
Krabs: Thanks, Squidward, I knew I could count on you. [the Dutchman picks up Krabs] Well, a deals a deal. Lets go. [the Dutchman floats off]
Spongebob: Wait just a burger-flipping second. [the Dutchman turns around and thunder sounds again]
Dutchman: Who dares back-sass the Flying Dutchman?
Spongebob: That would be me: Spongebob Back-sass Pants. I say you got the wrong crab. This Mr. Krabs is the most generous, big-hearted, non-skinflinted crab in the whole sea.
Dutchman: Hed sell your soul for a couple of bucks.
Spongebob: Id bet my soul he wouldnt.
Dutchman: You got yourself a bet. OK, Krabs, Ill let you stay, but first, help me settle a bet. If you had to choose between Spongebob and all the money I have in my pocket, which would you take?
Krabs: That depends, how much money we talking about?
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs? [the Dutchman presents some change]
Dutchman: Sixty-two cents.
Krabs: Ill take the money.
Spongebob: Mr. Krabs?!
Dutchman: Here you go, Krabs. Sixty-two cents. [he gives him the change and picks up Sponge] Next stop: Davy Jones locker! [Sponge screams and the Dutchman laughs evilly, as they both disappear]
Krabs: Look, Squidward, money!
Squidward: Mr. Krabs, I cant believe Im saying this, but how could you trade Spongebob for sixty-two cents?
Krabs: You think I couldve gotten more?
Squidward: He stuck up for you and you sold him out. You should be ashamed of yourself!
Krabs: Oh, what have I done? [he starts sobbing] I want another chance! I didnt learn anything! I lost me best fry cook! I dont want this foul money! [he throws the change to the ground] I want Spongebob back! [he continues sobbing. Then, the Dutchman reappears and drops Sponge to the floor]
Dutchman: Here, take him back.
Krabs: You heard what I said about the money?
Dutchman: Heard what you said? I couldnt hear myself thinking with this one around. I only had him for thirty seconds [we see Sponge and the Dutchman at Davy Jones locker, Sponge talks excessively] and its jellyfishing this and Mermaid Man that. Why, not giving him back is a fate worse than death! Hes your problem now. [he laughs evilly and disappears]
Krabs: Eh heh, about trading you for pocket change
Spongebob: Say no more, Mr. Krabs. You did it for the Krusty Krab. I would have done the same thing.
Krabs: You would have?
Spongebob: No. [the three laugh. Cut to later, the Dutchman is sitting reading a book when the phone rings. He answers it]
Dutchman: Dutchmans residence. [we see Sponge on the other line and he starts talking excessively. The Dutchman groans]
END
I Had An Accident
[at Sand Mountain, Pat goes screaming down hills on a shell, wearing a bucket on his head. He flies off a cliff, loses grip of the shell, and hits a mountain top. His head, arms, and legs fly off of him and he slides down the mountain. The word DEAD appears in red on the top of the screen and we hear a video game beeping sound. It is revealed that this was all a hand held video game Pat was playing while skiing down Sand Mountain]
Patrick: Oh I got dead again. This game stinks. [he trips over a rock and flies through the air screaming. He hits the same mountain and his head and appendages fly off again. Sponge and Sandy watch from the top of another mountain]
Sandy: See, thats why you must always pay attention to the mountain.
Spongebob: Im listening to you, mountain! [Sponge jumps on his shell and slides down the mountain. He passes Pat, who is stuck head first in the sand] Dont eat the yellow sand, Patrick. [we see a bit further down is Pats head sticking out of the sand holding a plate with light yellow sand and a spoon]
Patrick: Oh yeah, I forgot. [he eats the snow with his spoon anyway]
Spongebob: Hey Sandy, watch me do the Grouchy Squidward. [he slides by Squid, who is at a table drinking from a mug and wearing a ski cap]
Squidward: Stop naming moves after me! [Sponge goes down the hill, his eyes oval and his pupils rectangular, his nose large, his lips large, and with four legs, just like Squid]
Spongebob: [imitating Squid] Everybodys an idiot except for me.
Squidward: Well its true. [he takes a sip of his drink. Sponge laughs like Squid, and Pat and Sandy laugh. Sandy gasps and points]
Sandy: Spongebob! [we see a tree wearing an aquatic mask and oxygen tank] Look out for that tree!
Spongebob: Huh? [he swerves and avoids the tree, then flashes Pat and Sandy the thumbs up] Dont worry guys, everythings under control. Cause Im an expert! [hes sliding down and hits a log at the edge of a cliff and flies off spinning in mid-air. He stops abruptly when he sees a tree upside-down] Hmm, thats funny. Someone turned the mountain upside-down. [the camera turns 180 degrees to its normal state. Sponge plummets to the ground screaming]
Sandy: Spongebob, land on your bottom! Itll cushion the impact of the fall! [Sponge, who was falling headfirst, now turns around 180 degrees. He takes off his pants and goes into a sort-of sitting position]
Spongebob: Like this?
Patrick: No, your other bottom!
Sandy: Dont you have to be stupid somewhere else?
Patrick: Not until four. [Sponge falls to the ground and we hear glass shatter. His entire lower half has broken into dozens of pieces. Pieces are strewn all over the place, and all over Pat and Sandy]
Sandy: Ow, thats gotta hurt.
Patrick: Do it again, I wasnt looking! [cut to the hospital, where the doctor fish has bandaged Sponges buttocks]
Doctor: Well, it looks like your gluteus maximus has made a full recovery.
Spongebob: My what has a what now?
Doctor: Your butts all better. [he walks over to an x-ray] Its really quite amazing. [he flips the lights, making the x-ray visible. We see normal bone structure, but instead of regular hips, its Sponges square bottom. We see it cracked into many pieces but its taped back together] It took twenty hours to put it all back together. [he holds up a stapler] We actually ran out of staples and had to use a glue stick. [he holds one up] Yep, youre a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, luck-boy. But from now on, Id like you to be more careful. One more injury like that and you could wind up like that poor creature there [he gestures to Tom, who has his buttocks enclosed in a giant iron lung, except with more gismos protruding from it] in the Iron Butt.
Tom: Oh man, it itches. [cut to Sponge, his bottom half still bandaged up, walking down the road from the hospital]
Spongebob: You heard the doctor, Spongebob, one more injury like that and its the Iron Butt! Ive been too careless back there. [he pats his bottom] From now on I am on round-the-clock butt patrol. [he salutes. Then he notices a man standing behind him. He circles around him, waving his arms in protection] Hey, step away from the backside, Im warning you.
Man: Whats your problem? [he walks off]
Spongebob: That was close! [a whistle goes off]
Football Player: Hey Spongebob! [we see him on a football field] Why dont you join us? We need an extra player? [another player runs over and catches the ball] Nice catch, Percy! [he slaps Percy on the rear. Sponge yelps. Another man walks up behind Sponge]
Man 2: Hey Spongebob! [Sponge turns and screams] Youve got to try this, dude! [we see a giant line of people with their legs open, and the man crawls on all fours] We finally got enough people for a seven-mile spanking machine! [he crawls through, and each person slaps him on the rear as he goes]
First Man in Line: Next! [Sponge runs off screaming. Squid walks up]
Squidward: Is this where the line starts? [Sponge runs into his house]
Spongebob: My butt is not safe out here! [he slams the door and stares out the window] No part of me is safe. [he pulls down the blinds on the window. Cut to Pat and Sandy riding down some small hills on a shell]
Patrick: Woo-hoo!!
Sandy: Yeah, ride em cowboy! [Pat laughs hysterically as the two run into Sponges front door. Sandy walks in giving Pat a piggyback ride] Hey Spongebob! [Pat is still laughing uproariously and Sandy gets peeved. Pat gets off her and eventually calms down]
Patrick: That was fun.
Sandy: Hey Spongebob, you ready to go sand-boarding again? Spongebob? [we see Sponge sitting in the middle of the room with only a penny, a potato chip, and a napkin next to him]
Spongebob: [deadpan] Hello friends. Enjoying the outside world?
Sandy: What yall doing sitting in the middle of the floor like that?
Spongebob: Oh, living out the remainder of my life in safety. If you guys were smart, you would join me. That accident made me realize that its dangerous out there. I was one of the lucky ones. Im a survivor. And so Ive simply decided I am never leaving my house again.
Sandy: Thats crazy talk!
Patrick: Thats not crazy talk. THIS is crazy talk. [he starts slapping his tongue around jabbering mindlessly. Sandy gets fed up with this and pounds Pats head down into his torso] Sorry
Spongebob: No, Patricks right, Sandy. You saw what happened to me, and next time, it wont just be my butt, itll be my armpit or my forehead.
Patrick: Or your other armpit!
Spongebob: I was wrong to go against nature. Im a sponge, what was I thinking? Walking, my people are sedentary.
Sandy: Just sitting in your house? Aint you gonna get lonesome?
Spongebob: I wont be lonesome. Ive got all the friends I need right here. This is Penny. [he holds up the penny] And Chip. [he holds up the potato chip] And say hello to Used Napkin. [he holds up the napkin]
Sandy: Well, how are you gonna keep your job at the Krusty Krab?
Spongebob: No problem. [he reaches up to a pole sticking out of the window and wiggles it a little. We follow the pole out the window and into the Krusty Krab. In the kitchen, we see the pole end at the grill, where it is actually a spatula. Sponge flips a patty over] A really long spatula.
Sandy: What about eating?
Spongebob: Im a sponge! Ill just filter-feed. [he breathes deeply a couple times]
Sandy: Spongebob, sooner or later, youre gonna have to go outside.
Spongebob: Listen, I told you that Im never leaving my house again!
Patrick: Never-ever?
Spongebob: Never-ever-ever.
Patrick: Never-never-ever-ever for never-ever?
Spongebob: Never-ever-never-never, ever-ever-never! [Pat starts sweating]
Patrick: Never-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever?! [pan out to show a puddle of sweat at Pats feet]
Spongebob: [exasperated] Never-ever-never-ever [Pat starts sweating excessively again and says "never-ever over Sponge. Eventually, Sponge has had it] Alright, Patrick, that is enough! [he picks up Chip] Chip, would you mind showing these two to the door? [he throws the chip at the door, and it opens. Sandy walks out angrily and Pat follows]
Patrick: Thank you, Chip. [he shuts the door] I guess Ill have to find a new best friend. Hey Squidward! [Squid opens his window]
Squidward: No. [he shuts it]
Patrick: Aw.
Sandy: Dont worry, Patrick. Well get Sponge to come outside, and then hell see theres nothing to be afraid of. [Pat lifts up his hand, which now has a boxing glove on]
Patrick: And thats when I punch him, right? [Sandy isnt amused. Cut to later, Sandy and Pat are outside Sponges house with jellyfish nets surrounded by jellyfish]
Sandy: Look at all the jellyfish out here! Too bad Spongebob is missing out on all the fun! [Pat nets one]
Patrick: I caught one! [he puts his face in the net, and emerges from it with the jellyfish latched to his face] Huh? [from inside the house, we hear loud zapping and Pat screaming]
Spongebob: Look at those fools risking their lives jellyfishing. My new hobby is much safer, isnt it, Chip? [he puts on his jellyfishing glasses] Dust collecting. [he takes out a very small net and waves it around. He looks in the net] I think I caught one!
Sandy: Weve got to try something else. [cut to Pat and Sandy walking to Sponges house holding a birthday cake]
Pat & Sandy: [singing] Three cheers on your birthday, Spongebob! Three cheers for you!
Sandy: Now, youve got to blow out the candles and make a wish.
Spongebob: I dont need the wish, Penny. Everything I could ever want is right here. In fact, lets sing our own song about the joy of staying indoors. [he starts singing] I know of a place where you never get harmed. A magical place with magical charms. Indoors, indoors, indoors! Take it away, Penny! [silence. Outside, Pat and Sandy look through the window. Pat starts to tear]
Patrick: That Penny has the most beautiful voice. [Sandy leans into the window]
Sandy: That is it, Squarepants! Were going to find something thats so dang fun that youll have to come outside! [cut to later, Sandy is outside the window jumping on a trampoline] Trampoline! [cut to Pat holding an ice cream cone]
Patrick: Ice cream! [cut to Sandy surfing]
Sandy: Underwater surfing! [cut to Pat holding two ice cream cones]
Patrick: Two ice creams. [cut to Sandy outside the window on a Ferris wheel]
Sandy: Ferris wheel. [cut to Pat still holding the two ice creams, but theyre starting to melt]
Patrick: Still two ice creams! [cut to Sandy holding open the jaws of a clam]
Sandy: Clam wrestling. [cut to Pat scrubbing the back of an old guy in a tub]
Patrick: Washing an old person. [Sandy walks up]
Sandy: Patrick, thats not fun.
Old Guy: It is for me! [Sandy and Pat look in the window to find Sponge filter-feeding again]
Sandy: Nothings working, Patrick.
Patrick: What do we do? [the old guy comes into view]
Old Guy: I say we take a bath.
Sandy: What will you get out of here? [cut to later. Sandy and Pat peek up from behind a shrubbery of shells near Sponges house. They go back and hide, and we see Pat is in a gorilla suit] Now remember, dont jump out until I give the signal.
Patrick: Right. [Sandy walks out and Pat zips up his suit. Sandy opens Sponges front door]
Sandy: Alright, Spongebob, you win. Stay inside forever. [she backs up a bit] Yours is truly the iron will. [she turns around] Now, Pat! [Pat jumps out in his suit jabbering and howling] Eek! A gorilla! Save me, Spongebob! [Pat continues running in place, blowing raspberries, and acting goofy]
Spongebob: OK guys, really. This is your saddest attempt yet. Even Chip knows thats Patrick in the same costume he wore for Halloween last year. [Pat is still running in place and dancing]
Sandy: No, really! Youve got to come save me. [Pat walks over, holding an ice cream cone]
Patrick: Hey Sandy, whos your friend?
Sandy: But but youre supposed to be in the gorilla suit.
Gorilla: I am in the gorilla suit. [he unzips the costume, revealing he is Pat] I thought I was doing a pretty good job.
Sandy: If youre Patrick, then whos that? [the other Pat unzips his costume and reveals that he is an actual live-action gorilla. Sandy gasps] A real gorilla!
Spongebob: Huh? [the gorilla roars and bursts out of his Pat costume. Sandy and Pat scream. The gorilla grabs the two and shoves them in a live-action sack and swings them around and smashes them on the ground and such. Sponge screams in terror as the gorilla punches the bag, jumps on it, and smashes a chair on it] This is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about! [he turns to his three items. We still see the gorilla beating on the bag outside] Well, they were asking for it. Its not like I didnt warn them about the dangers of outside. Yes, Chip, I know theyre my two dearest friends in the whole world, but I told them I wasnt going outside no matter what. We can do without the name-calling, thank you very much, Used Napkin. I know, Chip, if it was me out there bagged by an ape, Patrick and Sandy would risk anything to save me. [he stands up] And Ive got to do the same for them. If I dont come back, Chip, take good care of Gary. [he walks off. Gary crawls in and eats the potato chip] Well here I go from the safety of my home to the outside world. [he gulps and reaches for the door. His entire body is shaking as the door rattles and opens. Sponge looks out nervously] Im taking my first step. [he steps outside] So far so good. [he continues tiptoeing] I think I can do this! [a piece of paper flies into his face and he screams] Oh, dear Neptune! Get off of me! [we see Squid watering his plant, trying to ignore Sponge] Get off of me! Chip, help me, help me! [he gasps and pulls the paper off of him, panting] Im still alive. I did it! I made it outside! Nothing can stop me now! [the gorilla picks him up and puts him over his head] Is it too late to go back inside yet? [the gorilla rips him in two. His two parts now speak separately. His left side speaks now] Its too late. [the gorilla shrieks] Patrick? Sandy?
Pat & Sandy: [from sack] Yeah, Spongebob?
Spongebob: [left side] Im sorry I caused all this. Im not scared of going outside anymore. But Im terrified of gorillas now.
Sandy: [from sack] Thats OK, Spongebob, us too.
Spongebob: [left side] You know what I dont understand, though? [right side] What? [left side] Whats a gorilla doing underwater in the first place? [the gorilla snorts]
Gorilla: [normal voice] Uh, well its funny you should I mean, you see, the George, theyre onto us! [a man in a spotted horse outfit runs up]
Horse: Lets get out of here. [the gorilla gets on the horse and rides off into the sunset. Sandy, Pat, and Sponges two halves watch them go as The End appears on the screen. Pan out to reveal this was being watched on TV by a mother, father, and two kids. They all stare in confusion. The mother and father look at each other, the father gives a look of disapproval and turns the episode off with his remote]
END