Here is one of my all time favorite episodes ever. It just so happens that my two favorite episodes, this and YAK Attack are right next to each other in production order. Anyway, the fight between Evil Barney and Nice Barney is the most amazing thing I've ever written. I give you, Minerals Will Make The World.
Episode 41
Minerals Will Make The World
Written by BagelsinEurope
(We open to Bagel waking up. We see, on the screen "SBMtopia, 6:00 AM"
Bagel: Ah, Christmas Day. Let's see what presents I got!
(Bagel walks downstairs and sees one present)
Bagel: I ASKED FOR 16 YOU FAT FLEABITTEN MOTHEATEN FOCKER
(Bagel opens it)
Bagel: Let's see "Thom Yorke and Pals". What's this?
(Bagel unwraps the CD)
Bagel: Okay, it's a CD. I didn't want a CD, but I don't mind.
(Bagel plays the CD)
CD: After years of waiting
Nothing came
After years of waiting
You realize
I'm a reasonable man, get off my case-
(Bagel destroys the CD)
Bagel: I'VE HEARD THAT SONG ON THE RADIO WAY TOO MANY TIMES
(We cut to IAmBagel's house)
IAmBagel: Let's see what I got!
(IAmBagel sees 16 presents)
IAmBagel: 16? I only asked for one!
(IAmBagel opens the presents)
IAmBagel: Aw. I didn't get "Thom Yorke and Pals". That was all I wanted.
(We cut to Christmas in the SBMtopia streets)
SpongeCob: Merry Christmas everyone!
Popeye: I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm Jewish.
SpongeCob: WELL ::dolphin noise::ING START CELEBRATING IT NOW OR DIE
Spongy: WHAT SOMEONE DOESNT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS
(Spongy shoots lasers out of her eyes)
Popeye: AAAAH I NEVER KNEW HOW CHRISTIAN THIS CITY WAS
(Popeye hides behind a trash can)
Popeye: Okay, I'm safe here.
Hobo: HEY CARLOS I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU
Popeye: Oh no. No. Get away from me. Not you again.
Hobo: CMON LETS PLAY TEETH AGAIN
(The hobo starts biting Popeye's neck)
Popeye: AAAAAAAAAH
Hobo: HEY CARLOS LETS PLAY BOOMERANG
(The hobo throws Popeye against the wall)
Hobo: You didn't come back.
(The hobo throws Popeye against the wall)
Hobo: You didn't come back.
(The hobo throws Popeye against the wall)
Hobo: You didn't come back.
(The hobo throws Popeye against the wall)
Hobo: You didn't come back.
Narrator: HOURS LATER
Hobo: SNUGGLE TIME
(Popeye gets crushed by the Hobo, but squeezes out and runs into his house)
Popeye (panting): Thank god that's over.
(Popeye locks 10 locks on the door, locks the back door, locks the roof and windows)
Popeye: Ah. No way in. And I can sit in peace and listen to quality music.
(Popeye puts "Thom Yorke and Pals" on)
CD: After years of waiting
Nothing came
After years of waiting
You realize
I'm a reasonable man, get off my case.
(We cut to Bagel's front yard, on the corner of the screen, saying SBMtopia, 12:00 PM)
Bagel: Guess I could check the mail, see if my presents came that way.
(Bagel opens the mailbox and sees a letter)
Bagel: A letter?
(Bagel opens it)
Bagel: You are invited
(We cut to IAmBagel reading the same letter)
IAmBagel: to Prez's Christmas Party
(We cut to Brick reading the same letter)
Brick: at his house at 7 PM.
(We cut back to Bagel)
Bagel: Huh. Prez never invites me to his parties.
(We cut to Prez's house, in the corner saying "Prez's house, 6:00 PM")
Prez: This party was such a great idea! Nobody can refuse a Christmas Party, so they'll all come. And as soon as they get injected with this gas when they step on the pressure plate at the doorstep, they'll be KO'd! Which means I can finally get rid of them and SBMtopia will be mine! ALL MINE!
(Prez hears the doorbell ring)
Prez: THEY'RE HERE!
(Prez opens the door)
Prez: Come right in!
(Everyone walks in, also stepping on the pressure plate)
Everyone: This is a nice house you've got, man I'm feeling tired-
(Everyone falls on the floor and goes to sleep)
Prez: YES! IT WORKED!
(Prez walks downstairs to his laboratory)
Prez: Now to open the portal.
(Prez hits a button, and we cut back to upstairs)
(In the center of the floor, a giant tornado starts forming, which sucks everybody into a giant portal, which slowly closes in until it shuts)
Prez: I gotta see if it worked.
(Prez climbs upstairs)
Prez: YES! IT DID! SBMTOPIA IS MINE TO RULE!
(We cut to Bagel's POV, just waking up)
Bagel: What? Where am I? What is this place?
(We cut out of Bagel's POV and everyone is waking up)
Bagel: What kind of place is this?
(We see the ground is complete concrete and the sky is red)
ryan: This place is weird.
Storm: This doesn't look like a pizza-eating town.
Popeye: Oh god. I know exactly where we are.
Bagel: Where?
Popeye: We're in the Time Bomb dimension.
Bagel: What kind of-
Popeye: Here. We need to hide. Come with me.
(We cut to BobSponge, Bagel, Brick, Popeye and ssj hiding in a trash can)
Bagel: Do we have to hide here?
Popeye: Yep. It's the only place safe from the citizens.
Bagel: What's bad about them?
Popeye: If you look at them, you become one of them.
Bagel: But what makes us different from them?
Popeye: They have unremovable time bombs on their chests. Which means you will die.
Brick: daddy I'm scared
Popeye: It looks like that a-hole Prez sent us here.
ssj: So how do we get out?
Popeye: We need a dimensional manipulator.
ssj: Like the one BobSponge is eating?
(We see BobSponge chewing on one)
BobSponge: Hey, it tastes good.
Popeye: GIVE US THAT THING
BobSponge: No. It's yummy.
(BobSponge swallows it)
Brick: u fail
Bagel: Hey guys, I know CPR! I can get the thing out!
ssj: That isn't what CPR is, Bagel.
Bagel: What? The famous Colorado Punch Regurgitation move?
ssj: ...oh
(Bagel punches BobSponge, causing him to spit out the dimensional manipulator)
Brick: YOU WIN
Popeye: Okay guys, hold on!
(The five are sent to another dimension, which seems like an amusement park)
Popeye: Where are we now?
(A staff from the amusement park walks over)
Staff: WELCOME TO THOM YORKE LAND THE #1 ABUSEMENT PARK DIMENSION
Popeye: Don't you mean "amusement park"?
Staff: NO I DO MEAN ABUSEMENT PARK
(The staff guy throws rocks at Popeye)
Popeye: OW THIS HURTS
(The staff guy throws a giant rock at Popeye)
Popeye: OW THAT ONE REALLY HURT STOP
Staff: NO
(We cut to Prez in his lab)
Prez: FINALLY! SBMTOPIA IS MINE! Well, since I own the land, I can be dictator!
(Prez walks over to the town hall)
Prez: Yes! ATTENTION NOBODY OF SBMTOPIA, YOU ARE ALL MY SLAVES!
(We cut back to Thom Yorke Land)
Popeye: STOP THROWING ROCKS AT ME
Staff: NO YOU STOP YELLING AT ME
(The staff guy throws more rocks)
Popeye: OW WHY EVEN
Bagel: Should we?
ssj: Yeah.
(We cut to a dimension that is just sea)
ssj: Well, at least it's just sea and we're floating.
BobSponge: BUT I CAN'T SWIM
(We see BobSponge struggling while the others are floating)
Bagel: bobsponge we can float
BobSponge: I DON'T TELL YOU HOW TO LIVE YOUR LIFE
Popeye: This is no ordinary sea, it's the SODA CAN DIMENSION-
(We cut to a person drinking a soda, while the five are screaming inside the can)
(We cut back inside the can)
ssj: DO SOMETHING
Bagel: I DONT KNOW! THE DIMENSIONAL MANIPULATOR IS STUCK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE CAN!
ssj: JUST FIGURE SOMETHING OUT
Bagel: Wait! BobSponge! Try to swim!
BobSponge: BUT I CAN'T SWIM!
Bagel: Just do it!
(BobSponge tries to swim, but fails, drowns, and reaches the bottom where he lands on the dimensional manipulator, sending the five to what looks like a a normal living room)
Bagel: Hey, it's just a normal living room!
Popeye: We must be in the real world. Let's just get out of this house then transport out. There's people in here.
Bagel: I can't find the door!
Brick: NUUU NOW I'LL NEVER MEET KEVIN BACON
Bagel: but why-
Brick: I CAN DREAM HAROLD
Bagel: SHUT UP AND LOOK FOR THE DOOR
(We see the five looking for the door)
ssj: I can't find the door!
BobSponge: I found it!
(BobSponge opens the door, and an 8th Grade Math Teacher runs out)
8th Grade Math Teacher: POP QUIZ
BobSponge: BUT I DIDN'T STUDY!
(BobSponge starts crying)
Popeye: Oh. This must be "The Door of People You Never Want To See Again" in the Pearls Before Swine dimension.
Bagel: There's nobody too bad in here-
(The Home Depot Bears run out)
Home Depot Bears: GET THE HOME DEPOT
Bagel: CLOSE IT
ssj: Hold on, let me just find the manipulator-
(The mole from Mountains Out Of Molehills comes out of the door)
Popeye: LOOK FASTER
(Jason Funderburker comes out)
Jason Funderburker: YOU DON'T HAVE BONES
(We cut to Prez in SBMtopia)
Prez: Well, I need someone to rule. Clones!
(We see a montage of Prez cloning himself and brainwashing his clones. Soon he has 15 clones)
Prez: BOW DOWN TO ME, MINDLESS CLONES!
Prez Clone: Prez is lord. Prez is lord. Prez is lord.
Prez: MUAHAHAHA
Prez Clone: We all love Prez. He is our overlord. You are inferior to Prez.
Prez: Dam straight, man.
(We cut back to ssj trying to find the dimensional manipulator, now surrounded by even more enemies from past episodes)
Popeye: SSJ JUST FIND IT
ssj: Oh wait, I don't have it! Brick does!
(Everyone but ssj facepalm)
Brick: AND TO THINK I WAS IN FINDER THE WHOLE TIME
(We cut to a dimension that looks like Teen Titans Go!)
Popeye: Oh god. Teen Titans Go.
Brick: I'm too disturbed.
Bagel: I don't actually find this show to be bad.
Robin: TITANS GO
Cyborg: No way dude.
Beast Boy: Yeah, just chill dude!
Robin: NO LISTEN TO ME
Cyborg: No! Booyah!
Raven: Leave me alone. (plays with ponies)
Starfire: The who are they?
Robin: TITANS GO
(The titans start beating up the five)
Bagel: Okay, you can go to the next dimension.
(We cut to a dimension a picture of a flower on a bulletin board)
Bagel: Where are we now?
Popeye: We're in the picture of a flower on a bulletin board dimension.
Bagel: Okay, this dimension is just pointless. Why does it even exist?
Brick: SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SHARE MEMORIES!
Bagel: But it's just a flower.
Brick: THAT'S JUST YOUR OPINION! (starts crying)
Bagel: Let's go already.
(We cut to a dimension that is a recording studio)
Andy Gill: Okay. Time to record Get Up And Jump. This time, actually try to not come off like a few insane teenagers.
Jack Sherman: But we are a few insane teenagers!
Andy Gill: I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR SOCIAL SITUATIONS
Flea: I have to use the bathroom.
Bagel: Let's go.
Popeye: It doesn't seem bad-
Bagel: Trust me. I read the liner notes.
(We cut to a dimension that is a island in the sky)
Bagel: Okay, let me guess, it's the island in the sky dimension.
Popeye: Nope! It's the "Island in the clouds" dimension!
(Bagel facepalms)
(We cut to a husband and wife in a car, on the highway)
Husband: I need to stop here and get some gas.
Wife: But didn't you hear about the massive disappearance in this city in the news?
Husband: I don't watch the news. I only watch golf.
(The car takes an exit that goes into SBMtopia. They drive to the gas station on Schadenfreude St.)
Husband: Okay. I'll just gas up here.
(The husband puts the pump in the tank)
Prez Clone: Prez is god.
Husband: No, God is god.
Prez Clone: Do you dare insult Prez?
(The Prez Clone stuffs the husband in a bag)
Prez Clone: I will take you to Prez.
Wife: Leave him alone!
Prez Clone: I will take you too.
(The wife is stuffed in a separate bag)
Prez Clone: Never insult the overlord.
(The Prez Clone walks away)
(We cut back to Bagel, ssj, Popeye, BobSponge and Brick)
Bagel: Okay, what other dimensions are there?
Popeye: There's over 10 billion dimensions. We just have to get back to the internet dimension.
Bagel: How will we get back to that?
Popeye: We just have to keep going through dimensions until we reach it.
Bagel: Okay, let's go.
(The group go to a dimension that looks like a classroom, with the five sitting at desks)
Popeye: Is this the classroom dimension?
(Barney walks in to the class)
Barney: GOOD MORNING CLASS
ssj: WHO HAS THE DIMENSIONAL MANIPULATOR
(BobSponge burps)
ssj: Oh no.
(ssj gulps)
Narrator: Several horrible, painful, Barney-filled hours later...
BobSponge: I have to go to the bathroom.
(BobSponge walks into the bathroom)
BobSponge (offscreen): Hey, that's where the manipulator went!
(We cut back to SBMtopia, which is black, since it's in the husband/wife's POV. When they open their eyes, we see a bunch of Prez Clones all aligned in a circle while Prez walks down the carpet)
Prez: Well well well, what do we have here?
Husband: LET US GO WE JUST WANTED GAS
Prez: SILENCE! I am your overlord! Now, give me one reason to not kill you.
Husband: We were just getting gas?
Prez: SILENCE! I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK! That's one more reason to kill you.
Prez: Hmm...so I'm 99% sure I should kill you for all these reasons: Trespassing, insulting, using gas illegally, insulting clones, following a different religion then Prezism, not having permission to speak-
(The husband sighs)
Prez: YOU ALSO DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO SIGH
(We cut back to the Barney dimension)
Barney: I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME, LETS BE ONE HAPPY FAMILY
(Barney starts walking up to ssj trying to hug him)
ssj: BOBSPONGE PRESS THE BUTTON
(BobSponge presses the button where they land on top of a truck on a highway but Barney comes with them)
ssj: OF COURSE
Different Barney: Who is that impostor?
Bagel: Oh! You must be Evil Barney that haunted me when I was 7.
Evil Barney: No, I am THE Barney. Not just some cheap nice knockoff
Nice Barney: Oh, you wanna go?
Bagel: It probably would be more convenient if this was in a different location, but I'm watching this!
(We see the five in lounge chairs eating popcorn)
(Evil Barney punches Nice Barney in the face. Nice Barney falls onto the floor, but then kicks Evil Barney in the nuts, which gives him time to get up. Nice Barney uppercuts Evil Barney, but Evil Barney lands on his head, causing Nice Barney to freak out, and fall down. Evil Barney grabs Nice Barney by the leg and spins him around where Barney falls on the highway. Evil Barney walks away, but then Nice Barney uses a grappling hook to get back on the truck. Nice Barney puts the grappling hook in Evil Barney's face, causing him to fall onto the windshield, which causes the driver to freak out and do two flips on the truck and crash. The two jump off the truck onto the exit punching each other until Evil Barney chokes Nice Barney, which causes Nice Barney to do a flip somersault where he kicks Evil Barney on to the moon, but Evil Barney, stealing the grappling hook, brings the moon down to crush Nice Barney, who at the last second jumps on the moon which is spinning, crushing the city. The two Barneys jump in a crater where Evil Barney punches Nice Barney out, which causes him to land on the roof of the dollar store, which the moon rolls under, causing the roof to cover the crater, suffocating Evil Barney who comes out of another crater. The two then fight on the dollar store roof, which falls off the spinning moon and hits the asphalt, which causes an impact so big the two fly out onto a hill in the wild right above the Pacific Ocean. Evil Barney kicks Nice Barney into the ocean, who grabs Evil Barney at the last second so the both fall into the ocean. Evil Barney uses the stolen grappling hook to grab onto the sewage pipe while Nice Barney drowns and dies. The five SBM characters are seen sitting in the sewage pipe, mouths agape)
Evil Barney: I didn't say I was the real Barney for no reason.
Bagel: Well, since the real world is pretty much destroyed, we should get back to the internet.
Popeye: There's no real choice, Bagel. It's all random.
(We cut back to the family and Prez)
Prez: Okay! I have made my decision! I will execute you.
Husband: What? No! That's ridiculous! We were just coming here to get gas and you want to kill us? What is wrong with this town?!
Prez: Hey, hey, hey. It was in the rule book!
Husband: Well, we didn't get the rule book!
Prez: Because I don't give rule books to trespassers!
Husband: Well how did we know we were trespassing? The exit was open to anyone!
Prez: Because it was in the rule book!
Husband: BUT WE DIDN'T GET THE RULE BOOK!
Prez: BECAUSE I DONT GIVE THE RULE BOOK TO TRESPASSERS!
(We cut back to the five in the sewage pipe)
Bagel: Okay, so what if it's all random? We can flip through as many dimensions it takes!
Popeye: If you say so.
(We cut to a dimension that's in the show Boobah)
Bagel: FLIP FASTER
(We have a montage of the five flipping through Mario, Puppet World, 1999 Creepypasta (look it up), Kingdumb, fireplace, sunglasses, falling chickens and Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors on loop as background music dimensions)
(We cut back to SBMtopia)
Husband: YOU'RE BEING UNREASONABLE HERE!
Wife: He's right.
Prez: ME? BEING UNREASONABLE?
Wife: Yeah. You are.
Prez: SHUT UP YOU BOLOGNA FILLED PLASTIC SURGERY OVERUSER
Wife: Who you calling bologna-filled?
Prez: Oh, it's on.
(We cut back to the five flipping through Scientifically Accurate SpongeBob, Pig Goat Banana Cricket, family therapy, sugar high, riding the whale, YouChew, Children's Hospital (the adult swim series), Ferguson, John Frusciante's house, the bill Plympton cartoon "Your Face", Jackie Chan and the Chan Clan concert, Giant mutant cows, MAD, and easy listening concert dimensions)
Wife: If I wasn't tied up here I'd punch you!
Prez: If I was dumb enough to free you causing a fight I'd use a robot to create a magnitude forcefield ball that would explode destroying the space time continuum making you die.
Wife: If I was smart enough to understand what you just said I would come up with a witty comeback.
Prez: IT'S 12TH GRADE SCIENCE
(We cut back to the five flipping through banana pictures, Cartoon Network bumpers, The Eric Andre Show, charging clickers, cookie clickers, mobile keyboard, sentient blanket, Bob the Builder, Pay-Per-View, horribly bad SpongeBob Fanon Wiki episodes, Geometry Dash, Jelly Truck, Jimbles Notronbo's egg palace, and Mr. Clean dimensions)
Wife: OH SUUUURE. I HAVE A 12TH GRADE DIPLOMA AND I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT.
Prez: PROVE YOURSELF
Thom Yorke: PROVE YOURSELF
Prez: Clones, kill him.
Thom Yorke: You and whose army?
(Thom Yorke gets dragged away)
Prez: So yeah, give me proof you have a 12th Grade diploma.
Wife: Go to these coordinates to reach my drawer. 141:190
Prez: Okay. I will!
Narrator: Minutes later... (timecard)
Prez: Okay, you do have a 12th Grade Diploma, but that doesn't mean you had good grades in 12th grade.
Wife: That I didn't keep.
Prez: Well, you should've.
Wife: You think I planned on being on this situation?
Prez: Be prepared for anything.
Wife: This whole situation isn't even logical. How would I prepare for it?
(Bagel, ssj, Popeye, Brick and BobSponge jump into the scene)
Bagel: This must be the "Prez runs SBMtopia dimension." Next.
Wife: Wait! You've got to help us!
Bagel: I guess it doesn't hurt to help someone.
(Bagel unties the wife and husband)
Prez: Wait a minute, is that Bagel, BobSponge, Popeye, Brick and ssj?
ssj: Yup.
Prez: Well then. How about I execute you instead?
(The husband and wife run away)
Bagel: Oh no. What has become of SBMtopia?
Brick: NO!
(Everyone gasps)
Prez: Go away, clones. I'll take this one.
(The clones leave the area)
Prez: What do you have to say, weirdo? Let's get it on with so I can have the execution.
Brick: Over the time I've been hopping around dimensions, I've learned to approach fear with destiny. So when I saw the monster in that one creepy giant mutant cow dimension, you know what I said to him?
Prez: What? Get on with it.
Brick: I said...MINERALS WILL MAKE THE WORLD!
Prez: That's what you say? Of all things to say-
Brick: But most importantly, I learned that...I'm...I'm...
Prez: Uh...what's happening...?
Brick: I'M A LUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
(The music from Goofy Goober Rock starts playing)
Brick: YOU'RE A LUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
WE'RE ALL LUNATIC PRESERVES! ROCK!
LUUUUUUUUUUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
PUT YOUR FOOD AWAY
CAUSE ALL I GOT TO SAY WHEN YOU TELL ME TO TURN INTO THE CALIFORNIA BAY
NO!
NO NO FREAKING WAY!
I'M A MANIACAL FREAK YOU SAY, AND THEN I SAY SAY IT AGAIN AND I SAY KEWL!
KEWL BRUH!
SO IF YOU THINK I'M A DONKEY
THEN GO GET REKT
SHREK WILL SET YOU FREE
I'M A LUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
YOU'RE A LUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
WE'RE ALL LUNATIC PRESERVES! ROCK!
LUUUUUUUUUUNATIC PRESERVE! ROCK!
Prez: Alright! Enough!
(Brick starts playing the guitar solo, which shoots lasers at all of the clones, killing all of them)
Bagel: Whoa, I never knew Brick could play guitar!
Prez: WHAT EVEN ARE LUNATIC PRESERVES? WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS SONG?
ssj: Your time is up, Prez.
Prez: Hey, what? I was just kidding! I didn't mean to send you to another dimension!
(Prez is put in a police car)
Prez: I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUUUUUUUU-
(Brick keeps playing the guitar solo, as the episode fades to black)
(We open to the next day)
Bagel: Hmm...how will the others get back?
Popeye: If you die in a dimension, you get sent to another one. Eventually they'll get here.
Bagel: Does that mean?
Popeye: Yes. Another hiatus.
(Everyone sighs)
BobSponge: Well, at least I still have this yummy thing.
(BobSponge is about to eat the dimensional manipulator, when the three bears from We Bare Bears come out of a portal)
Panda: Guys I'm getting pretty scared. Those weird "SBMtopians" sent us out of our dimension!
Ice Bear: Ice Bear will take care of it.
(Ice Bear steals the dimensional manipulator and the three bears dissapear)
ssj: Well, that was odd.
Bagel: I still think the episode with Jack Sherman and the children's hospital was the best.
The end
